The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Dream Work)

In the past few weeks I have experienced some pretty challenging times emotionally and relationally. Two major rows with my husband sent me back to my journal to try and write my through the ins and outs of my experience. What is going on for me in all of this? So after quite a number of venting pages I became clearly aware of how a deep yearning of mine was impacting on my experience.

“I want to live in a congruent world where I can trust people will speak and act honestly. I want people to be congruent.”

I know – it sounds naive. I know it sounds childlike and inside me the yearning does have a childlike quality. This part of me doesn’t want to be cynical or jaded.

So, then I took my statement and started some “Work” on it.

Is it true that people and the world are not congruent?And what follows is my journal entry…it is stream of consciousness so bear with the chaos…

YES! all the evidence points to people not being congruent.  What do I mean by being congruent? That people are real in that they are genuine, authentic; that their inner experience and outer expression match – and there is some honesty in this too.

AND NO! Hmmm…so actually, at some level, a more realistic level, the world and people are congruent in as much as they do do what they do. I may not like what they do, I may not be able to predict what they will do, I may not be able to mitigate the impact of their words/actions…

How do I react when I think this thought?  I cannot be sure that what someone says is what they think and I feel both sad and frustrated and helpless that the world isn’t congruent. As I write this I can feel my need for safety coming up. Clarity and predictability too that is more about being able to “read” the situation than knowing what will happen ahead of time. The child in me is letting me know that being able to “read” the situation makes the world feel more safe for me. I can make sense of it. It makes the difference between safety and unsafety, fear and terror, control and helplessness. I need congruence to be able to protect myself. I also need it to prevent embarrassment, humiliation or being shamed (from getting my reading wrong, saying or doing the wrong thing, making a mistake, being insensitive etc).

So…hmm…I can’t (couldn’t in the past) walk into a room or situation and just be myself because first I have to work out how it is in there…how are people feeling, what are they needing, what is going on, what’s the general atmosphere. Then, I needed not show this anxiety, nervousness or fear because that is not acceptable and will be met with negative responses. So on goes (went) a mask of confidence, competence – my persona.  I have become somewhat hyper vigilant, other-focused and incongruent. My outer expression is not the same as my inner experience.

Well, no wonder I don’t like it in other people. I have pushed my real, vulnerable self into the shadowland. I, without self-awareness, was not being congruent myself. This is my turnaround. I want to be more congruent with myself. I want to be more congruent in the world.

Ohh…I can feel a welling of compassion for all the confusion, the mixed messages, the loss of a sense of safety in the world. I can feel it for the childlike part of me and for me now, in the here and now. A big breath comes into my body and some kind of holding on is released. My body relaxes just a little. And sadness comes too…for being in the world in this way and all the lost opportunities for connection and realness. Niceness, not being selfish, being other-focused has it’s price. I disconnected with my real self which is sensitive, vulnerable, often unsure and a bit confused, needing support or understanding. And in doing so I became uncomfortable and judgemental about those qualities in others.

I can feel my heart.

I’d like to share this  response that Ann Weiser Cornell wrote recently in her Weekly Tips and Support Newsletter.

“Focusing is a simple matter of holding a kind of open, non-judging attention to something which is directly experienced but not yet in words.” –from the introduction to The Focusing Student’s and Companion’s Manual by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin.

Something which is directly experienced but not yet in words? What is that?
Well, that’s what we call a “felt sense,” and it’s really the heart of the matter.

A “felt sense” is what a problem or a situation “feels like” when you pause and get a sense of the whole thing. It’s not your usual emotions or thoughts–which can get stuck and keep you going around in circles–but rather it’s fresh, immediate, and often contains new information or a new perspective.

People are not used to pausing and getting felt senses. If more people would do this, I believe the world would be quite different!
Focusing starts with that pause…

‘Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’

Viktor Frankl

This space, for me, can be tiny. It can be over in a nanosecond before I make a habitual move or reaction. However, I am celebrating that nowadays I can sense the space. This is more than I could do a few years ago.

And lately, “an opening into the more” comes for me. The stimulus occurs and I notice it as a stimulus. Ahhh…there is freedom and choice in this moment.

In the next few posts I will explore some of “the more” that comes:

1. Making a Clear Observation
2. Connecting with Myself (self-empathy)
3. Assuming positive intent – looking at both of our intentions
4. Guessing what is going on for the other person (empathy)
5. Making useful assumptions
6. Knowing what I want (clear requests)

Observation as presence

What disconnects us from our natural state of compassion is our thinking and our thinking in a particular way. It is running us, we seem unconscious and lost in thought and or thinking in a way that is judging, blaming – that is when we are caught in thought.

Observation is being the witness to that thinking. I try and make a clear statement about the stimulus- not adding judgements, interpretations, feelings, thoughts or past experiences. I try and keep it simple.

How do we step out of our mind-stream?

1. Drop into the physical sense of feeling in the body as awareness of feeling. Practice mindfulness of body.
2. Observation as being with pure perception. E.g. seeing a thought going through our mind or what we are hearing, seeing, sensing. We are being the observer of our experience vs. being the thinker of our experience.

Practicing observing our outer world

Exercise: Look around the room you are in. look at anything, an object and see if you can see it without even labelling it, without any thoughts about that object. Notice if you hear the words for the object, see if you can let them go by and come back to being the observer. Being the emptiness of your mind that the thoughts and the objects are the content of.

We are used to noticing the world through the frame of language, how we think, what we say.

How does this exercise relate to NVC?

Thinking and the jackal thinking is what disconnects us from our natural compassion. So if we can witness and observe and be that observer it gives us space to choose something else other than our conditioning.

We can observe what is outside of us or observing our own thoughts. We can be the witnessing presence of our own thinking. Then we can choose a response rather than a reaction. It is like strengthening a muscle that is crucial in NVC and to see that thinking with love – so as not to judge our thinking but rather enjoy the jackal show because they are conveying needs and every judgement is an expression of a need. If we get to the need then we find our living energy. Another word to describe the jackal voice is our ego voice.

Practicing observing our inner world

1. Observation language; being able to differentiate language that is just saying what is; evaluation is any interpretation that I am putting on top of it, any kind of story or meaning.

Exercise: Watch your thoughts, watch whatever is going on in your mind. It might help to focus on your 3^rd eye, out your attention there. It is like you are internally looking there and rest there with awareness. We become the container in which the thoughts occur.

Language causing suffering:

There are 2 kinds of feelings: ones where we are directly connected to our needs – there may be pain or sadness, but it is a sweet feeling. But when we feel suffering NVC says it is our thoughts that are doing that. What we are observing outside, the stimulus, is related to what we are feeling but the feeling is connected to our needs being met or not met.

Part of the difficulty of observing is:

1. Our language is static because of the verb “to be” we say “people are this or that” implying that it won’t or doesn’t change

2. Verbs are connotative (they imply good/bad etc): “Mary dawdles”.

3. Implications/opinions are often expressed as facts: eg

a. “She won’t get fit” rather than “I don’t think she will get fit”.

4. Confusing predictability with certainty eg.

If you go out in the rain you will catch a cold.

5. Failure to be specific:

“Young people don’t know the value of money.”

6. Imply ability:

“She’s not a good typist” rather than “she types at 30wpm with 50% accuracy”

7. Use of adverbs and adjectives:

“She’s fat”  rather than “She is 160cm tall and weighs 100kg”

Exercise in language awareness:

Notice the difference between each of the sets of sentences below. Sat them out loud so you can hear and feel the impact on your body.

You are too generous.

When I see you give your lunch money to others, I think you are too generous.

Doug procrastinates.

Doug started studying for the exam the night before.

She won’t get her work in.

I don’t think she’ll get her work in.

You don’t eat balanced meals.

If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health will be your health will be impaired.

Renters don’t take care of their property.

I have not seen the family living at 1679 Ross St mow their lawns for 2 weeks.

Take 3 statements you regularly make that you now believe have evaluations mixed with observation and translate them into clear observations.

1.……………………………. ………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

2.……………………………. ………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

3.……………………………. ………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

Now say each statement to yourself twice and notice how you feel in your body saying a mixed observation
vs a clear observation.

“Our thinking causes our suffering.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice”. 

The Buddha.

If you are into NVC you may enjoy subscribing to Rick Goodfriend’s World Empathy day tips.

I love this video about accepting just how we are. I love the space it gives to what is coming up inside without trying to change it too quickly.

It gives us a chance to sense for what more is there under the first feeling that comes. For example, when I feel angry, a vulnerable scared part is usually there too, but at first it might not feel safe for that part to come out into my awareness.

In Focusing we first say hello and acknowledge what is present.

My tip  is– if accepting feels too hard – to start by:

• saying hello to what is present then
• bear witness to it – for example you might say- “I am bearing witness to feeling angry”.  Or “I am keeping my anger company”. After saying this a few times you may notice that you can sense a subtle distinction between you and the anger. You are not just your feelings and yet your feelings exist within you. You can get a little space there.
• Then, when a release comes you might go on to “accepting what is”.

This process transforms intense feelings and also gives our heart a little space to be with our suffering – neither denying nor suppressing the suffering nor “becoming the suffering”. If we can hold our own suffering compassionately it becomes more possible and even delightful to offer the same quality of holding, bearing witness and accepting the suffering of others.

Greetings World Empathy Day Celebrants:

Celebrate World Empathy Day on Wednesdays, a day of increased consciousness for  compassion, communication, understanding and forgiveness. Welcome to new participants.  Please forward
this tip to interested friends, family, and peers to help WEday expand.

WEday Tip # 101 - Transforming Intense Feelings Before Communicating Them !! !

One of the most difficult communication skills is expressing ourselves
honestly  and with compassion, especially if upset . Here is a tip to make that skill easier.

Yes, accept the moment for what it is. Before expressing to another
person, accept the situation or the emotions that are present .  This will help calm any nervousness, fear, anger … before communicating with another.

Example:
Someone has not emailed me back the information I requested. It has
been a week. My thinking is full of judgments. I want to call them and
express what is going on with me, the disappointment, the
consideration for my time, the ease of having this information …

Using this tip, I accept what is
I accept what is, the information isn’t here, yes, I accept that I am upset, I
acknowledge this feeling and say I accept  it , (4 times)

Already I am calming and become more present.  I am now ready to take action (compassionately). 

Try this tip in this way? Transform your emotions
Take some of your emotions and focus on  them, and say  to yourself   ” I accept this emotion  __________  as being present now. “  

Process one feeling at a time and say it 3 – 5 times slowly.      
Does the intensity diminish?

If you have time, let me know how this works for you.

May all your needs be met.

Rick Goodfriend
Founder – World Empathy day
805 898-9336
www.empathyday.com

Swiss psychologist Alice Miller wrote:

“Ultimately the body will rebel. Even if it can be temporarily pacified with the help of drugs, cigarettes or medicine, it usually has the last word because it is quicker to see through self-deception than the mind. We may ignore or deride the messages of the body, but its rebellion demands to be heeded because its language is the authentic expression of our true selves and of the strength of our vitality.”

This is a very powerful statement. Our true sense of self is rooted, not in ideas or thoughts, but in a “feeling of what happens” that is experienced at a bodily level.

Because this statement is so powerful, I also want to be careful to point out what it doesn’t mean. It doesn’t negate the value of ideas and rational thinking. This would be absurd. It’s just that, if we were to only pay attention to logical thinking, we’d be cutting ourselves off from a major portion of our resources. Our goal is to combine both.

This is the power of Focusing. We can take an issue that we are thinking about, a feeling or an emotion, a situation and sense inwardly all about how our body holds this too. We come into balance in the considering of all the data that is entering our field of awareness. If we just “think” and use logic then we become top-heavy. All of our energy stays in our head. If we just follow feelings we can become blown about by emotions which come and go, we can start to believe we are our feelings and we lose our stability. If we combine all 3 ways we are designed to process information we become stable. It is like the process of “triangulation”. The term triangulation originated in cartography where two or more reference points are used to locate an exact position.

Most of us spend so much time thinking about our problems and some of us spend time overwhelmed by the our feelings about our problems  that almost forget to be in touch with how our body is carrying the issue. Sometimes thinking and feeling don’t even connect to each other. have you ever been dissuaded from feeling a certain way through the power of logical arguments – or does that just leave you feeling unheard, invalidated or labelled as emotional.

The felt meaning your body carries enables you to listen to the story within that, at the same time, needs to be told and heard, by you. This is your own story. This is the key to Focusing and is what Gene Gendlin found was an important clue that unlocks the mystery of how change happens in people.

He discovered that:

Our bodies hold the key to transformation

when we can allow

the felt meaning to unfold

and tell its story.

Emotions such as fear, anger, confusions are just the easily-recognised tip of how our bodies carry felt meaning. Your issue speaks like a story by moving forward in the changing body feeling of it.

Connecting with care and curiosity to our own story as it is known by our living body connects us to our own inner wisdom. We become both the author, the reader and the listener to our experience. And it is through the felt meaning held in our body that we are able to move beyond (yet still include) our minds (ego, will, pre-written story lines, and inner critics) and our emotions (moveable and reactive) to a more stable place within that can lead us to an undivided life of self-trust, self-respect and self-connection.

Two days in a row! In my inbox today another email about how to get MAD! So here it is, a blog by Peter Singer, renowned philosopher and ethicist, published in full. Maybe a momentum is building, a new wave of action which leads to connection, equality, peace and real grass roots change.

I wrote, back in February about 2 simple ways to make a difference. What I like about Peter Singer’s blog is he succinctly describes what makes it so hard for us to get going making a difference (I have highlighted them) and then tells us how we can overcome these barriers. After you have read this I invite you to read my old blog (link above) where I showcase two wonderful ways to make a difference and you can go to his site too… gotta love the internet.

The End of Poverty

By Peter Singer on March 11, 2009 – 1:55pm in The Life You Can Save

If you saw a child in danger of drowning in a shallow pond, and all you had to do to save the child was wade into the pond, and pull him out, would you do so? When I ask my students that, they all say that they would. What if wading into the pond meant that you would ruin your most expensive pair of shoes? That wouldn’t make any difference, they insist. A pair of shoes doesn’t count when it comes to saving a child’s life.

UNICEF, the United Nations International Children’s Emergency Fund, estimates that about 27,000 children die every day from preventable, poverty-related causes. Meanwhile almost a billion people live very comfortable lives. Even in the current economic downturn, they have money to spare for a bewildering array of gadgets and luxuries. If you don’t think you are spending money on luxuries, when did you last spend money on something to drink, when drinkable water was available for nothing? If it was today, or yesterday, then you are spending money on luxuries while children die from malnutrition or diseases that we know how to prevent or cure. What you spent on that bottle of water was probably more than their families have to live on for an entire day.

I wrote The Life You Can Save: Acting Now to End World Poverty in order to change this. If everyone who can afford to contribute to reducing extreme poverty were to give a modest proportion of their income to effective organizations fighting extreme poverty, the problem could be solved. It wouldn’t take a huge sacrifice. But there are psychological barriers that prevent us doing so. One chapter of the book draws on recent research in the psychology of giving to describe some of these barriers:

•We are much more likely to help an identifiable individual than to donate to help a group of people.

•When others are also able to help, the diffusion of responsibility makes it less likely that we will help, especially if we do not see the others helping.

•We faced with more people in need than we are able to help, we focus on those we can’t help, rather than on those we can help, and conclude that trying to help is futile.

•Money is the obvious means by which most individuals can help those in extreme poverty in other countries, but thinking about money tends to alienate us from others.

How we can use the findings of psychological knowledge to create a culture that is more favourable to giving than our present one. One well-supported finding is that people are more likely to give if they know that others are giving. So we need to be upfront about our giving. Hence I have set up a website where people can pledge that they will meet a standard of giving that I set out in the last chapter of the book. My hope is to build a mutually supportive community of people who give to organizations working against extreme poverty. Each donor will be encouraged by the example of others, and if the community becomes large enough, it’s presence will encourage others who are not giving to join in.

Inbox coincidence? Twice in one day? Articles on Making A Difference in the world. Leadership starting within instead of waiting to be led? Well, its enough of a nudge for me to post the links to these 2 articles about Making A Difference.

Hey, WAKE UP.

You don’t have to make a BIG difference. You just have to choose to make a difference. A small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction. But the big steps in your mind in the right direction are NOT steps in the right direction. They are just thoughts.

So…read on for some ways you can choose become a MADMAN (Making A Difference Man) or a MADWOMAN (Making A Difference Woman).

Next time someone says “You’re mad!” You can say, “Damn right, I am!! I make a difference. And that is what MAD is!”

Your next step:

How to make a difference in the world by The Change Blog

Many people believe that they don’t have what it takes to make a difference to the world. They believe only people like Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Bill Gates, and the likes, are capable of making a difference.

The truth is, every one of us is put in this world to contribute and make a difference to the world in our own unique way. It need not be anything out of the world. It just needs to be something you do with the intention of ‘doing good’.

The following is a guide as to how small people like us can make a difference to the world…

Personal to Planetary Transformation

A World That Works for Everyone by Monica Sharma, M.D. Director, Leadership and Capacity Development, at the United Nations, OHRLLS.

The next 50 years will show whether the world as a whole can come together as one, resolving the many seemingly intractable problems we now face. Or will we continue to muddle through, from crisis to crisis, never solving the problems of humankind in a definitive and sustained way? Yesterday, we were engaged in resolving a crisis:  HIV/AIDS. Today, we are focusing on global warming. Tomorrow, we may focus on nuclear waste. What remains constant in this changing world is the power of human wisdom.Never before in history have both opportunity and need been so great. Never before has ‘grow or die’ been more apparent. And never before have the means existed to effect planetary transformation. Indeed, this is the time to pioneer results-oriented designs that can then be applied across the urgent and significant issues of our time. This is the time for mindsets that foster the culture of peace. This is the time for a world that works for everyone…

Alright I can hear you ~ yeah, yeah ~ but what’s she gonna do?

O.K. here’s my commitment (gulp)

I’m am going to organise a team at work to do the Get the World Moving Walk to improve morale and raise money for a worthy cause. Then I will take it to the next level: Sydney to the Gong Bike Ride.

I am committed to starting a Local Compassionate Listening Circle – drop in to be heard or to offer a good hearing. I will find a way to keep it simple so it can grow with ease.

 

Technorati Tags: leadership,power of one,commitment,choices,engagement

Ooohh…today I was asked to contribute ideas to a workshop on “difficult conversations” and my first thought was, “Well, I’d really rather not have any of them thank you very much!”

What I really meant was:

“I’d rather not deal with the difficult feelings that come up in me when I have to face situations that I am not comfortable with.”

Hmmm. In the Focusing world they have a phrase for this.

Process Skipping.

It is a long standing pattern we have of relating to the more negative part of ourselves (remember the Jell-O parts). The difficult part is realising that these old and difficult feelings we treat as enemies are, in fact both friends and teachers! No, its true! And it is possible to come into a new, kinder relationship with ourselves instead of making war inside – holding chronic kinds of tension around relationships, situations, issues, self-judgments and circumstances.

Each of us usually develops a pattern of numbing our difficult feelings. We might exercise, we might drink, watch TV, work long hours, play computer games, talk on the telephone. This, actually, takes us away from ourselves, which seems like a good thing if we are feeling guilty, scared, angry, annoyed, confused etc. Or we might go outside of ourselves to find the solution. We might talk to someone, defer to advice of elders, counsellors, meditate into deeply relaxed states and so on.

We don’t process-skip deliberately. It’s kind of automatic. But you can ask yourself:

How, precisely, do I avoid, numb, or run away from my difficult feelings?

What to do?

However, Gene Gendlin, who developed Focusing says that while the “mind” looks for a “solution” to a problem, our body actually looks for a ‘resolution”. We can find the resolution by spending time with how our body carries this issue in a Focusing kind of way. So, “difficult or uncomfortable” feelings hold the key to resolving the recurring issues in our lives. They hold the key.

The possibility for change and growth  lies not with emotion reactions, but in your body’s  more connected sense of meaning, its Felt Sense, to any given situation or part of yourself. We stay with the Felt Sense of the situation which may show itself to us as a metaphor, an image, a feeling, a shape, a sound, a colour. A felt sense is not just an emotion. Anger, happiness, sadness, fear – these are emotions. But what is under those emotions? What more lies there?

Have you ever tried to talk yourself out of the something that lies under the emotion and found it answering back – like it has a life of its own? We can, by attending to it, let it reveal itself to us. We let it show us what it knows all about this situation and how to resolve this issue. We hold a new kind of conversation with our body.

Our body can only know something is wrong by feeling uncomfortable because it instinctively knows what is perfectly right for us. Our job is to learn how to listen, listen again and trust in its embodied wisdom.

Warp drive…

I made a Star Trek move recently. I went into warp drive creating a heated and extended argument with my husband this week in which, I am not proud to admit, I found myself diagnosing, blaming, judging and advising over something that really had nothing to do with me. Now why would I do that? Why did I go into warp drive with nary a thought?

At first I was convinced it was all about him (during the argument of course). Then later a nagging feeling started to grow in the pit of my stomach -this appears to be where my conscience lives – down deep where it is is all churned up, messy and in process!  No, not for me a conscience which lives in the clear air, with a 360 degree view, where angelic wings can flutter. Damn it.

I began to get curious and wonder if the very qualities of character, his responses to the event, the interpretations he was making and which I was bridling against so strongly were actually parts of me I have never listened to fully. After all, the events meant very little to me. It was how he was responding the events that triggered me.

So here I was making judgements about character. Hmmm. What is acceptable character and what is not. More hmmm. Now I am curious. What makes some stuff send me into warp drive and some stuff barely registers on my radar? And why doesn’t all the intellectualising about “people all having different ways of being in the world” stop the triggering? Well, I think part of the answer lies with Jell-O and part of the resolution lies with the seeming simple act of being heard.

Exploding Jell-O

Now, here, dear reader, I ask you to bear with me for a moment. We have all heard about projecting our shadow parts on to other people. That is where we least accept in others what we least accept in ourselves. These are the parts of ourselves our parents, caregivers, rule-makers in our culture showed and told us were unacceptable as we grew up, so we learned to eliminate them from our conscious life one way or another. However, they are not eliminated, they are just stuffed down into our subconscious life. They become like Jell-O. Most of they time they just sit there, wobbling in response to the normal bumps and grinds of life. But every now and again comes a big squeeze, more pressure than normal and like Jell-O, it squeezes out through the gaps between our conscious mind and our subconscious mind and appears in our life. Only it comes out fast –it flies out and splats onto the other person. Now it looks like their stuff.

So, how does this relate to my argument with my husband – who is now covered in multicoloured “Leona” Jell-O. Well, in NVC he can, if he has the presence of mind, wash it off. He doesn’t have to own it. He can check in for what is his material and what is not; he can give himself some emergency self-empathy. Secondly, he can check out my Jell-O. He can respond to it. He can say – hey Leona, it sounds like you really care about… and you are really stunned as to how anyone can respond like…. I’m wondering how you feel when you notice that response and what needs of yours are not being met. So, he can offer empathy to my exploding Jell-O.

Or

I can learn to listen more fully to myself. This is the part I like most because it feels, to me, self-empowering, self-loving, self-connecting and self-accepting. I can:

• acknowledge the rising tide of pain – a simple “hello rising tension and tightness I sense you there” and “I wonder if you are a part inside of me that has never really been allowed into the light?” and then pause and notice what comes…

• then later, when I have time and space, listen to my “shoulds” – I can take some serious time to hear how life has been for those parts of me that I have not been allowed/continued to allow into my life. I don’t necessarily need to go into the story of why that happened but rather acknowledge its pain of living in the shadows, of not being acceptable and accepted.

• listen for feelings, needs/values, to the metaphors – the intricate, unique richness of each part’s living experiences

• reflect back what you hear so that these parts know they are heard. Ask if they feel heard. Invite them to tell you more.
• Let them know that more than one conversation is possible. That this is about gently getting to know each other again – becoming friends again after a long estrangement.

This process of deep self-empathy takes some effort – actually it takes a huge effort. I reckon bungy jumping has nothing on the deep self-empathy process in terms of courage (and yes, I have jumped).

How can you do this process? Well, here are some of the ways I have tried and others I respect have I tried:

1. Journaling – writing as a dialogue – listener and speaker so each part gets heard
2. Moving between chairs – the chair represents each part and we mediate between the part that holds the “should” and the part that now wants to be heard (aka the shadow). This is a form of NVC mediation. We are helping our parts to hear and understand each other.
3. Listening partner – to reflect each part, to hold the safe energy and support you.
4. Movement – allowing the body to move and express the living energy of each part; really feeling into how our muscles, cells and body structure has held both the “should” and “the part that needs to be fully heard”.

Why does this matter? Isn’t it selfish for it to be “all about me”?

Could it be that if our inner world is at peace then our relationship with the outer world can hold space for peace?