I put chicken noodle soup in the microwave for lunch today and set the timer for the standard one minute instant heat.

And then I noticed the urge to squeeze in another activity “while waiting”. 

I should say ‘instead of waiting’.

I am somewhat shocked to notice how difficult it is for me to stand still for less than 1 minutes. So now I have Microwave Mindfulness in my life.

Here I am. Waiting. Breathing in. Breathing out. Keeping myself company. Noticing how I am just in this moment. Giving myself one minute of attention and self-care.

Then enjoying hot soup…

I recently experienced an insidious  form of self-doubt .

It seeped in through cracks of my sense of myself, my own inner truth, and eroded my self-trust and self confidence. And it starts with the question “What if…?”

I was trying to tell someone about how I felt about an event in our relationship and his response was "Well, if that is the story you want to tell yourself, then I can’t help it!" Then, slowly a part me, the part that knows all about cognitive behaviour therapy surfaced.  It tells me that my thoughts can generate feelings and all I have to do is change my thoughts ….. well you know the rest. Well, maybe you do and maybe you don’t.  The rest for me is that self-doubt starts to seep in. It erodes my sense of what is right or wrong for me. It starts to ask:

• What if you are being unreasonable?
• What if you are being overly emotional?
• What if you have a distorted sense of the events?

The list could go on…everyone will have their own self-eroding “What if” questions. Having hooked into the “that’s the story you want so you are responsible for creating your own misery” message I start to doubt myself. I start to doubt my feelings. But this is where I get waylaid. I should trust my feelings. They are pointing me to something very important. They are pointing me to what I value for myself (and others) in my life.

I can change the questions I ask myself:

• What really matters about this for me?
• What is it that I want to stand up for – for myself?
• How am I honouring what is important to me?

I need to stay with the hurt, fear and sadness and sense into what they are telling me. They are telling me what kind of relationship I want…one in which even feelings which are hard to fathom are still respected, one in which ‘care’ for the other person is not perceived as being at the expense of oneself. One in which my feelings are given space in the relationship even when the other person “doesn’t think they are reasonable or understandable”.

So, no I don’t need to own the story about what happened or didn’t happen. I do not need to get lost in debating the content. I need to own my feelings.  I need to look to my feelings because they are telling me what matters for me in this situation. I need to connect to my values. Am I respecting my values and holding myself to account? Or am I giving them away for momentary comfort; to avoid a fight or uncomfortable discussion, to help the other person feel alright, to not be seen as selfish, mean, judgmental, unloving or needy? I am giving away my values to avoid the emotional pain which surfaces when I hear those kinds of labels which dismiss me as a human being?

Then…later…when I have explored, honoured and respected my feelings and values… if I want to… I play around with the story I had about what happened. I can have the feelings which came first (and are therefore telling me what is most important for me) and  I can walk 360 degrees around the issue looking at it from all angles. I can then see how that changes how I feel now and what values come up by taking a broader view.

But not before I have established some stability from understanding and respecting my first set of feelings and needs.

…a process for living that masquerades as a communication technique…

…compassionate connecting & communicating with curiosity…

…self acceptance and acceptance of others…

continuing on from Dr Daniel Amen’s post…

I have added my own take in connecting with our ANT’s based on NVC and acknowledging our underlying needs. I have italicised in blue a needs approach in the models.

Here are nine different ways that your thoughts lie to you to make situations out to be worse than they really are.

Think of these nine ways as different species or types of ANTs (automatic negative thoughts). When you can identify the type of ANT, you begin to take away the power it has over you. I have designated some of these ANTs as red, because these ANTs are particularly harmful to you. Notice and exterminate ANTs whenever possible.

ANT #1: "Always or Never Thinking"
This happens when you think something that happened will "always" repeat itself. For example, if your partner is irritable and she gets upset you might think to yourself, "She’s always yelling at me," even though she yells only once in a while. But just the thought "She’s always yelling at me" is so negative that it makes you feel sad and upset. It activates your limbic system. Whenever you think in words like always, never, no one, every one, every time, everything those are examples of "always" thinking and usually wrong. Here are some examples of "always" thinking:
"He’s always putting me down."
"No one will ever call me."
"I’ll never get a raise."
"Everyone takes advantage of me."
"You turn away every time I touch you."
"My children never listen to me."

"Always thinking" ANTs are very common. Watch out for them.

ANT #2 (red ANT): "Focusing On the Negative"
This occurs when your thoughts only see the bad in a situation and ignore any of the good parts that might happen. For example, I have treated several professional speakers for depression. After their presentations they had the audience fill out an evaluation form. If l00 of them were returned and 2 of them were terrible, but 90 of them were outstanding, which ones do you think they focused on? Only the negative ones! I taught them to focus on the ones they liked a lot more than the ones they didn’t like. It’s important to learn from others, but in a balanced, positive way.

Your deep limbic system can learn a powerful lesson from the Disney movie, "Pollyanna." In the movie, Pollyanna came to live with her aunt after her missionary parents died. Even though she had lost her parents she was able to help many "negative people" with her attitude. She introduced them to the "glad game," to look for things to be glad about in any situation. Her father had taught her this game after she experienced a disappointment. She had always wanted a doll, but her parents never had enough money to buy it for her. Her father sent a request for a second hand doll to his missionary sponsors. By mistake, they sent her a pair of crutches. "What is there to be glad about crutches?" they thought. Then they decided they could be glad because they didn’t have to use them. This very simple game changed the attitudes and lives of many people in the movie. Pollyanna especially affected the minister. Before she came to town he preached hellfire and damnation, and he did not seem to be very happy. Pollyanna told him that her father said that the Bible had 800 "Glad Passages," and that if God mentioned being glad that many times, it must be because He wants us to think that way. Focusing on the negative in situations will make you feel bad. Playing the glad game, or looking for the positive will help you feel better.

ANT #3 (red ANT): "Fortune Telling"
This is where you predict the worst possible outcome to a situation. For example, before you discuss an important issue with your partner you predict that he or she won’t be interested in what you have to say. Just having this thought will make you feel tense. I call "fortune telling" red ANTs because when you predict bad things you can make them happen. Say you are driving home from work and you predict that the house will be a wreck and no one will be interested in seeing you. By the time you get home you’re waiting for a fight. When you see one thing out of place or no one comes running to the door you explode and ruin the rest of the evening. Fortune telling ANTs really hurt your chances for feeling good.

ANT #4 (red ANT): "Mind Reading"
This happens when you believe that you know what another person is thinking even when they haven’t told you. Mind reading is a common cause of trouble between people. I tell my wife, "Please don’t read my mind, I have enough trouble reading it myself!" You know that you are mind reading when you have thoughts such as, "She’s mad at me. He doesn’t like me. They were talking about me." I tell people that a negative look from someone else may be nothing more than they are constipated! You don’t know. You can’t read anyone else’s mind. You never know what others are really thinking. Even in intimate relationships, you cannot read your partner’s mind. When there are things you don’t understand, clarify them and stay away from mind reading ANTs. They are very infectious.

ANT #5: "Thinking With Your Feelings"
This occurs when you believe your negative feelings without ever questioning them. Feelings are very complex, and, often based on powerful memories from the past. Feelings sometimes lie to you. Feelings are not about truth. They are about feelings. But many people believe their feelings even though they have no evidence for them. "Thinking with your feelings" thoughts usually start with the words "I feel." For example, "I feel like you don’t love me. I feel stupid. I feel like a failure. I feel nobody will ever trust me." Whenever you have a strong negative feeling, check it out. Look for the evidence behind the feeling. Do you have real reasons to feel that way? Or, are you feelings based on events or things from the past?

ANT #6: "Guilt Beatings"
Guilt is not a helpful emotion, especially for your deep limbic system. In fact, guilt often causes you to do those things that you don’t want to do. Guilt beatings happen when you think with words like "should, must, ought or have to." Here are some examples: "I ought to spend more time at home. I must spend more time with my kids. I should have sex more often. I have to organize my office." Because of human nature, whenever we think that we "must" do something, no matter what it is, we don’t want to do it. It is better to replace "guilt beatings" with phrases like "I want to do this…It fits with my goals to do that…It would be helpful to do this…." So in the examples above, it would be helpful to change those phrases to "I want to spend more time at home. It’s in our best interest for my kids and I to spend more time together. I want to please my spouse by making wonderful love with him (or her) because he (or she) is important to me. It’s in my best interest to organize my office." Get rid of this unnecessary emotional turbulence that holds you back from achieving the goals you want.

ANT #7: "Labeling"
Whenever you attach a negative label to yourself or to someone else, you stop your ability to take a clear look at the situation. Some examples of negative labels that people use are "jerk, frigid, arrogant and irresponsible." Negative labels are very harmful, because whenever you call yourself or someone else a jerk or arrogant you lump that person in your mind with all of the "jerks" or "arrogant people" that you’ve ever known and you become unable to deal with them in a reasonable way. Stay away from negative labels.

ANT #8: "Personalization"
Personalization occurs when innocuous events are taken to have personal meaning. "My boss didn’t talk to me this morning. She must be mad at me." Or, one feels he or she is the cause of all the bad things that happen, "My son got into an accident with the car. I should have spent more time teaching him to drive. It must be my fault." There are many other reasons for behavior besides the negative explanations an abnormal limbic system picks out. For example, your boss may not have talked to you because she was preoccupied, upset or in a hurry. You never fully know why people do what they do. Try not to personalize their behavior.

ANT #9 (the most poisonous red ANT): "Blame"
Blame is very harmful. When you blame something or someone else for the problems in your life, you become a victim of circumstances and you cannot do anything to change your situation. Many relationships are ruined by people who blame their partners when things go wrong. They take little responsibility for their problems. When something goes wrong at home or at work, they try to find someone to blame. They rarely admit their own problems. Typically, you’ll hear statements from them like:
"It wasn’t my fault that…."
"That wouldn’t have happened if you had…."
"How was I supposed to know…."
"It’s your fault that…."

The bottom line statement goes something like this: "If only you had done something differently, I wouldn’t be in the predicament I’m in. It’s your fault, and I’m not responsible."

Whenever you blame someone else for the problems in your life, you become powerless to change anything. The "Blame Game" hurts your personal sense of power. Stay away from blaming thoughts and take personal responsibility to change the problems you have.

Summary of A.N.T. Species:

1. "Always" thinking: thinking in words like always, never, no one, every one, every time, everything.
2. Focusing on the negative: only seeing the bad in a situation.
3. Fortune telling: predicting the worst possible outcome to a situation.
4. Mind reading: believing that you know what another person is thinking, even though they haven’t told you.
5. Thinking with your feelings: believing negative feelings without ever questioning them.
6. Guilt beatings: thinking in words like "should, must, ought or have to."
7. Labeling: attaching a negative label to yourself or to someone else.
8. Personalization: innocuous events are taken to have personal meaning.
9. Blame: blaming someone else for your own problems.

Feed Your Anteater and Feel Better

Whenever you notice an ANT entering your mind, train yourself to recognize it and write it down. When you write down automatic negative thoughts (ANTs) and talk back to them, you begin to take away their power and gain control over your moods. Convert the ANTs by feeding your emotional anteater.

FEED YOUR ANTEATER AND FEEL BETTER EXERCISE is for whenever you need to be in control of your mind. It is for times when you feel anxious, nervous, depressed or frazzled. It is for times when you need to be your best.

Whenever you feel depressed or anxious follow these ANTEATER steps.

EVENT: Write out the event that is associated with your thoughts and feelings.

1. A.N.T.  (write out the automatic automatic negative thoughts)

2. SPECIES (identify the type of irrational thought)

3. Convert THE A.N.T. (talk back to the irrational thoughts by acknowledging your needs and values)

Here are some examples of ways to convert these ANTs into Acknowledging Needs in Thoughts :

1. You never listen to me. Oh, I really value attention when I speak. I feel connected and more confident.
2. Always Thinking
3. I get frustrated when you don’t listen to me, but I know you have listened to me and will again. I

1. The boss doesn’t like me. I notice she walked past me without saying hello. I feel anxious because I value connection and inclusion.
2. Mind Reading
3. I don’t know that. Maybe she’s just having a bad day. Bosses are people, too.

1. The whole class will laugh at me. I feel scared and worried because I value support & understanding.
2. Fortune Telling.
3. I don’t know that. Maybe they’ll really like my speech.

1. It’s your fault we have these marital problems. I feel helpless in this situation and need support, clarity and understanding.
2. Blame
3. I need to look at my part of the problems and look for ways I can make the situation better.

Your thoughts really matter. They can either help or hurt your deep limbic system. Left unchecked, ANTs will cause an infection in your whole body system. Whenever you notice ANTs, you need to crush them or they’ll affect your relationships, your work, and your entire life. First you need to notice them. If you can catch them at the moment they occur and correct them, you take away the power they have over you. When a negative thought goes unchallenged, your mind believes it and your body reacts to it.

ANTs have an illogical logic. By bringing them into the open and examining them on a conscious level, you can see for yourself how little sense it really makes to think these kinds of things to yourself. You take back control over your own life instead of leaving your fate to hyperactive limbic conditioned negative thought patterns.

Sometimes people have trouble talking back to these grossly unpleasant thoughts because they feel that such obvious age-old "truisms" simply must be real. They think that if they don’t continue to believe these thoughts that they are lying to themselves. Once again, remember that to know what is true and what is not, you have to be conscious of the thoughts and have an intelligent perspective on them. Most negative thinking is automatic and goes unnoticed. You’re not really choosing how to respond to your situation, it’s being chosen for you, by bad brain habits. To find out what is really true and what is not, you need to question it. Don’t believe everything you hear — even in your own mind!

How often do we let our thoughts have free rein in our minds…influencing how we feel, what we do, what we think is possible or impossible, closing off options and creativity? This article by Dr Daniel Amen from AHHA  succinctly describes some of the ways we may allow our thoughts can white-ant our lives.

Daniel G. Amen, M.D. is an award winning physician, psychiatrist, best-selling author, international speakers, and brain enhancement expert. He is the founder and medical director of the world renowned Amen Clinics, Inc. Dr. Amen educates companies, organizations, and individuals on the importance of brain health and the impact of the brain on every aspect of life. The host of 4 highly successful PBS programs and a frequent radio and TV guest, Daniel is the author of 24 books, including 3 New York Times best-sellers.

Our overall mind state has a certain tone or flavor based largely on the types of thoughts we think. When the deep limbic system is overactive, it sets the mind’s filter on "negative." If you could look into the thoughts of people who are depressed, you would find one dispiriting thought following another. When they look at the past, there is regret. When they look at the future there is anxiety and pessimism. In the present moment, something is most often unsatisfactory. The lens through which they see themselves, others, and the world has a dim grayness to it. They are suffering from Automatic Negative Thoughts, or ANTs. ANTs are cynical, gloomy, and complaining thoughts that just seem to keep coming all by themselves.

ANTs can cause people to be depressed and fatalistic, which have a profound impact on their lives. "I know I won’t pass that test on Tuesday." This kind of thinking makes for a self-fulfilling prophecy: if they’ve already convinced themselves they won’t pass, they won’t study very hard and they won’t pass the test. This type of thinking severely limits a person’s ability to enjoy his or her life because how one thinks on a moment-to-moment basis plays a large role in how one feels and how one conducts one’s affairs. If you are depressed all the time, you don’t expect good things to happen so you don’t try very hard to make them happen. The internal distress from melancholy thinking can make you behave in ways that alienate others, thus causing you to isolate yourself further. On the other hand, positive thoughts and a positive attitude will help you radiate a sense of well being, making it easier for others to connect with you. Positive thoughts will also help you be more effective in your life. So, as you can see, what goes on in your mind all day long can determine whether your behavior is self-defeating or self-promoting.

Here are some examples of typical ANTs (automatic negative thoughts):
"You never listen to me."
"Just because we had a good year in business doesn’t mean anything."
"You don’t like me."
"This situation is not going to work out. I know something bad will happen."
"I feel as though you don’t care about me."
"I should have done much better. I’m a failure."
"You’re arrogant."
"You’re late because you don’t care."
"It’s your fault."

These thoughts severely limit a person’s ability to enjoy his or her life. How you think "moment-by-moment" plays a large role in how you feel (a deep limbic system function). Negative thoughts cause you to feel internal discomfort or pain and they often cause you to behave in ways that alienate from other people. Hopeful thoughts, on the other hand, influence positive behaviors and lead people to feel good about themselves and be more effective in their day-to-day lives. Hopeful thoughts also are involved in helping people connect with others.

Healing the deep limbic system requires a person to heal their moment-to-moment thought patterns. Unfortunately, there is no formal place where we are taught to think much about our thoughts or to challenge the notions that go through our head, even though our thoughts are always with us. Most people do not understand how important thoughts are, and leave the development of thought patterns to random chance. Did you know that every thought you have sends electrical signals throughout your brain? Thoughts have actual physical properties. They are real! They have significant influence on every cell in your body. When your mind is burdened with many negative thoughts, it affects your deep limbic system and causes deep limbic problems (irritability, moodiness, depression, etc.). Teaching yourself to control and direct thoughts in a positive way is one of the most effective ways to feel better.

Here are the actual step-by-step "thinking" principles that I use in my psychotherapy practice to help my patients heal their deep limbic systems.

STEP #1
Did you know…Every time you have a thought, your brain releases chemicals. That’s how our brain works…
you have a thought,
your brain releases chemicals,
an electrical transmissions goes across your brain and
you become aware of what you’re thinking.

Thoughts are real and they have a real impact on how you feel and how you behave.

STEP #2
Every time you have an angry thought, an unkind thought, a sad thought, or a cranky thought, your brain releases negative chemicals that make your body feel bad (and activate your deep limbic system). Think about the last time you were mad. How did your body feel? When most people are angry their muscles become tense, their hearts beat faster, their hands start to sweat and they may even begin to feel a little dizzy. Your body reacts to every negative thought you have.

Mark George, M.D., from the National Institutes of Mental Health, demonstrated this phenomena in an elegant study of brain function. He studied the activity of the brain in 10 normal women under three different conditions. He studied these women when they were thinking about happy thoughts, neutral thoughts and sad thoughts. During the happy thoughts, the women demonstrated a cooling of the deep limbic system. During the sad thoughts, he noticed a significant increase in deep limbic system activity. Powerful evidence that your thoughts matter!

STEP #3
Every time you have a good thought, a happy thought, a hopeful thought or a kind thought, your brain releases chemicals that make your body feel good (and cools your deep limbic system). Think about the last time you had a really happy thought. How did you feel inside your body? When most people are happy their muscles relax, their hearts beat slower, their hands become dry and they breathe slower. Your body also reacts to your good thoughts.

STEP #4
Your body reacts to every thought you have. We know this from polygraphs or lie detector tests. During a lie detector test, a person is hooked up to equipment that measures:
hand temperature,
heart rate,
blood pressure,
breathing rate,
muscle tension and
how much the hands sweat.

The tester then asks questions, like "Did you do that thing?" If the person did the bad thing his body is likely to have a "stress" response and it is likely to react in the following ways:
hands get colder,
heart goes faster,
blood pressure goes up,
breathing gets faster,
muscles get tight and
hands sweat more.

Almost immediately, his body reacts to what he thinks, whether he says anything or not. Remember, the deep limbic system is responsible for translating our emotional state into physical feelings of relaxation or tension. Now the opposite is also true. If he did not do the thing the tester asked about it is likely that his body will experience a "relaxation" response and react in the following ways:
hands will become warmer,
heart rate will slow,
blood pressure goes down,
breathing becomes slower and deeper,
muscles become more relaxed and
hands become drier.

Again, almost immediately, your body reacts to what you think. This not only happens when you’re asked about telling the truth, your body reacts to every thought you have, whether it is about work, friends, family or anything else.

STEP #5
Thoughts are very powerful. They can make your mind and your body feel good or they can make you feel bad. Every cell in your body is affected by every thought you have. That is why when people get emotionally upset, they actually develop physical symptoms, such as headaches or stomach aches. Some physicians think that people who have a lot of negative thoughts are more likely to get cancer. If you can think about good things you will feel better.

Think of your body like an "ecosystem." An ecosystem contains everything in the environment like the water, the land, the cars, the people, the animals, the vegetation, the houses, the landfills, etc. A negative thought is like pollution to your system. Just as pollution in the Los Angeles Basin affects everyone who goes outside, so too do negative thoughts pollute your deep limbic system, your mind and your body.

STEP #6
Unless you think about your thoughts they are automatic or "they just happen." Since they just happen, they are not necessarily correct. Your thoughts do not always tell the truth. Sometimes they even lie to you. I once treated a college student who thought he was stupid, because he didn’t do well on tests. When his IQ (intelligence level) was tested, however, we discovered that he was close to a genius! You don’t have to believe every thought that goes through your head. It’s important to think about your thoughts to see if they help you or they hurt you. Unfortunately, if you never challenge your thoughts you just "believe them" as if they were true.

STEP #7
You can train your thoughts to be positive and hopeful or you can just allow them to be negative and upset you. Once you learn about your thoughts, you can chose to think good thoughts and feel good or you can choose to think bad thoughts and feel lousy. That’s right, it’s up to you! You can learn how to change your thoughts and you can learn to change the way you feel.

One way to learn how to change your thoughts is to notice them when they are negative and talk back to them. If you can correct negative thoughts, you take away their power over you. When you just think a negative thought without challenging it, your mind believes it and your body reacts to it.

STEP #8
As I mentioned above, negative thoughts are mostly automatic or they "just happen." That is why I call these thoughts "Automatic Negative Thoughts" or ANTs. Think of these negative thoughts that invade your mind like ants that bother a couple at a picnic. One negative thought, like one ant at a picnic, is not a big problem. Two or three negative thoughts, like two or three ants at a picnic, becomes more irritating. Ten or twenty negative thoughts, like ten or twenty ants at a picnic, may cause the couple to pick up and leave the picnic. Whenever you notice these automatic negative thoughts or ANTs you need to crush them or they’ll ruin your relationships, your self-esteem and your personal power. One way to crush these ANTs is to write them down and talk back to them. For example, if you think, "My husband never listens to me," write it down. Then write down a rational response; something like "He’s not listening to me now, maybe he’s distracted by something else. He often listens to me." When you write down negative thoughts and talk back to them, you take away their power and help yourself feel better. Some people tell me they have trouble talking back to these negative thoughts because they feel that they are lying to themselves. Initially, they believe that the thoughts that go through their mind are the truth. Remember, thoughts sometimes lie to you. It’s important to check them out before you just believe them!

Next week I will continue Dr Amen’s post and add an NVC twist…renaming ANTS from Automatic Negative Thoughts to Acknowledging Needs in Thoughts.

Alice is soooo inspiring. She radiates the energy of a well-lived life. In her interview I was touched by a couple of things she said that brought joy into her life:

• loving and being interested in other people
• music – playing and sharing it (a passion)
• laughing
• staying optimistic

Here are 4 well-researched and proven strategies that can help us process difficulties and bring our awareness into a balance:

• writing: write about your pain rather than just talking about it…apparently writing is more effective because we start to create a storyline to make sense of what has happened and this helps us work towards a solution
• recollecting what’s good: write about good things that have happened each day and your part in them – gratitude heals
• imagine a perfect future: write (realistically) about your best possible future – this increase optimism and the likelihood of achieving your goals.
• affectionate writing: write affectionately about the people in your life each day. Doing this has been shown to reduce stress and cholesterol!!

Have you ever wondered what the skills are that support self-development and connection in our world.

I recommend you check out this new NVC-related web-site called "Pathways to Liberation" which gives a comprehensive list of skills. They have also created a skill matrix exploring the development of these skills from “unskilled, to awakening, to capable, to integrated”.

This week I am going to circle where I am on the matrix and then ask 2 two dearly beloved and trusted friends to do the same for me (to check if my self-perception aligns with how others experience me)…

I really like how it is articulated here. You can check out this list of skills here:

http://pathwaystoliberation.net/skills/

These are the skills they list are:

• Presence: Being attentive to what is happening right now.  Not lost in thinking, emotional reactions, etc.
• Observing: Noticing (and possibly describing) our sensory and mental experiences, and distinguishing these experiences from the interpretations we ascribe to them.
• Feelings awareness: Ability to identify and experience our physical sensations and emotions.
• Self-acceptance: Accepting oneself with unconditional caring.
• Taking ownership of one’s feelings: Living from the knowledge that I alone cause my emotions – my emotions are not caused by others.
• Needs consciousness: Awareness of (and the willingness to honor) needs, the essential universal elemental qualities of life (like sustenance, love and meaning).
• Re-connecting to self & recovering from reactivity: Reactivity is internal resistance to what is.  Recovery is letting go of that resistance.  Re-connecting to self is being with one’s own experience with presence and compassion.
• Request consciousness & making requests: Willingness to ask for what one wants, with openness to any response; not attached to any particular outcome.
• Mourning: Transforming the suffering of loss; letting go of resistance to what is, and being willing to allow our experience to unfold.
• Empathy: Being present with another’s experience, with unconditional acceptance of the person.
• Dissolving enemy images: Transcending one’s perceptions that another deserves to be punished or harmed.
• Discernment: Clarity, insight, and wisdom in making life-serving distinctions and choices; recognizing one has choice.
• Living interdependently: Living from the knowledge that every individual is related to every other individual – every part of a system affects every other part.
• Honest self-expression: Owning one’s experience and having the willingness to express authentically without blame or criticism.
• Facilitating connection: Facilitating empathy and honesty in dialogue with an intent to create connection.
• Patience: Remaining spaciously present when one feels stress.  An ability to be with one’s own reactions, without acting out of them.
• Responding to others’ reactivity: Responding rather than reacting to others who are caught up in intense separating emotions.
• Openness to feedback: Receiving other’s perspective about our actions with equanimity and centeredness.
• Beneficial regret: Acknowledging and learning from one’s missed opportunity to meet needs, without guilt, shame, or self-punishment.
• Flexibility in relating: Openness and versatility in interacting with others.
• Transforming conflict: Using conflict with others as a means to connect and create a mutual outcome.
• Gratitude: Finding the value in, appreciating, and enjoying what is.
• Openhearted flow of giving and receiving: Transforming scarcity thinking into thriving creatively; joyfully contributing and receiving.
• Cultivating vitality: Tuning in to oneself to support balanced self-care; cultivating the energy to serve life.
• Sharing power: Transforming domination; valuing everyone’s needs with mutuality and respect; transcending submission and rebellion.
• Transcending roles: Aware that we are not the roles we play; having choice about what roles we adopt and how we respond to the roles others adopt.
• Awareness of response-ability: Freely choosing one’s responses to what shows up in life, owning one’s part in what happens.  Not owning others’ parts, and acknowledging that one’s actions do influence others.
• Supporting holistic systems: Consciously participating in the creation and evolution of holistic systems that foster general well-being.

And if you sign up for "the Matrix" for self-assessment for these skills through the box on the right-hand side of that page, you can then receive access to a document which further elaborates on the skill-set given here.

This is a great read unpacking the complexity of relationships…and giving insight into personal and relational change…

To Fight or Flight on the Intimacy Battlefield

by Mark Gorkin, LICSW Updated: Dec 1st 2000 (from Mentalhelp.net.com)

The Stress Doc examines the "Mars-Venus" battles of an intimate couple, including the psychic knots each are bound by and strategies for breaking away and possibly weaving together a vital and harmonious tapestry.

To Fight or Flight:

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. The implication of John Gray’s title is that gender is bio-psychosocial, if not celestial, destiny. Still, as a therapist and organizational consultant, a key goal is helping folks acknowledge and express their gender essence while also transcending conventional brain-body-society expectations. For example, is the autonomy predisposition mostly limited to the male while the female manifests a predisposition for affiliation? Recent research does support the notion that when problem-solving under stress men often do their own thing with skills at hand. Women, however, more frequently "tend or befriend," reaching out to give or receive nurturance and, thereby, draw strength with or from others. At the same time, of course, the Rambo archetype is not confined to the male psyche. There are plenty of Rambettes out there, not to mention the sensitive men who’ve unmasked and forsaken the Lone Ranger gig.

Recalling therapy work with a mid-30s, never married female client in the midst of a serious five-month relationship with an early-50s, once divorced male has focused my attention on gender differences, including contrasting defenses and dependency issues. But first let me note some similarities: Both are very bright, high-energy successful career professionals. They share many common interests, plan activities together and enjoy each other’s friends. At the same time, constantly being busy and surrounded by people is a way of diverting themselves from their own murky and vulnerable emotional depths. And naturally they are facing the intimacy paradox: the more time spent together sexually and passionately, the more we truly open up, the harder it is to contain one’s psychic wellsprings. The person’s deep-seated sources of emotional memories, anxieties, hurts, rage, abandonments, control issues, vulnerable sense of self, etc., start emerging from out of the psychic shadows. And as these emotional depth charges surface the two, when together without friends, too frequently move away from each other or disguise their genuine feelings fearing some cataclysmic confrontation. And both their historical depths include some codependency dynamics. (For identification purposes, the couple is Ann and Bob.)

The Main Characters

Ann has had two significant previous romantic relationships; the first was in her 20s, lasting about seven years. This relationship was with a verbally abusive, if not cruel, cold and manipulative partner. The second of the romances, an 18-month scenario, started like a meteor. The couple shared many intellectual and cultural interests. Yet, her mate’s drinking problems and cyclical bouts of depression (for which treatment was refused) foretold the burnout and painful breakup.

Bob, as reported by Ann, was divorced about ten years ago. Since then a series of relationships have mostly revolved around sexuality and living for the moment rather than forging a partnership of genuine emotional sharing and mutual conflict resolution. (Bob, who I have not met, claims this pattern is in response to his unhappy experience with his ex-wife and that he still has not met "the right one.") Even more than Ann, he is reluctant to express deeper, uncomfortable feelings, emotions that often are screened out of his consciousness. Bob has only been in therapy for brief periods to regain emotional equilibrium during times of relationship crisis.

As for Ann, she is committed to exploring her emotional issues in depth and, certainly with some trepidation, is cautiously risking expressing her anxieties and frustrations directly with Bob. Ann acknowledges this is her most realistic and healthy romantic relationship. At the same time, she is rightly concerned about Bob’s tendency to quickly disconnect from uncomfortable emotions, his difficulty verbalizing his emotions and a need to distract through excessive joking around. (Joking off, if you will.) Which leads to the next communicational crown and cross: Bob likely expresses deeper affections and passions mostly through sexual communication as opposed to words. For Ann, a woman whose needs for reassurance and recognition ebb and flow, the lack of verbal affirmation can leave Ann (a highly verbal person) feeling deprived and also wondering if Bob is mostly absorbed in his own self-pleasure.

Also, Ann still fears that Bob is not capable of making a lasting commitment to an ongoing intimate and sexual relationship, despite his current monogamy and obvious involvement with Ann. His desire for occasionally watching pornographic videos with Ann and intermitent fantasizing about attending swinger’s clubs is understandably worrisome. So too is Bob’s patter about casual sex, such as his speculation that if either one had a brief fling on a business trip it would have no real bearing on their feelings for each other. So all of the above has made Ann wary of Bob’s intentions and commitment potential.

Case Study

Let’s see how some of the couple’s dynamics play out in a specific battle. Here’s a conflict situation that highlights a classic Mars and Venus interchange that leaves both parties frustrated. Ann is sharing with Bob a difficult recent encounter with a woman friend (whom I’ll call Sue). At a party, Ann was updating a second girl friend about her relationship with Bob. According to Ann, Sue felt like a bystander and in a subsequent phone call Sue expressed her upset at being excluded. While some reconciliation was made, Ann still felt criticized and negatively judged. Ann also related that this was not the first time she felt chastised by Sue.

Ann was able to recognize that Sue has her own emotional albatross. She appears to be trapped by emotional and sexual cravings for an aloof, cold and unreliable guy. Sensitive to abandonment and rejection in light of her self-defeating, codependent partnership, Sue is likely taking out on Ann some of this hurt and anger along with her self-loathing and feelings of humiliation.

In recounting the above with Bob, Ann acknowledges feeling anxious about having to confront Sue about her judgmental attack. Ann, notwithstanding some feelings of guilt and anxiety, is contemplating telling her fairly long-time friend that, "the friendship is not working for me." (Of course, it would be better if Ann would not sever her friendship before having a real heart to heart with Sue. Then Ann could determine if there is or isn’t a basis for continuing the relationship.)

Upon hearing her conflicted feelings, Bob fairly decisively states that Ann should, "let Sue go."

Ann immediately says it’s not such a simple decision; many complex emotions are involved. Bob repeats his declaration believing the issue and requisite action is cut and dried. After another round of disagreement Bob declares, "I’m getting bored with this discussion." Not surprisingly, the two withdraw from each other in a tense, stony silence.

After a couple of hours, Ann returns and begins to channel her hurt and anger into some risk-taking actions. With angry conviction, Ann informs Bob that she was insulted when he labeled her emotional venting as "boring." Initially, Bob limits his acknowledgment, if not an apology, to, "A poor choice of word." As the couple further debates the issues and their interchange, Bob admits that some of his frustration stems from Ann "dismissing his advice." And, of course, completing the Venus-Mars loop, Ann affirms that she was looking less for advice and more for Bob to show some understanding of her emotional conflict with Sue.

And for both parties, one suspects that messages sent are not messages received. Nor do the couple seem to get a fundamental Stress Doc relationship aphorism: Difference and Disagreement =/= Disapproval and Disloyalty.

Should You Have "Time for the Pain?"

Also not surprising, Ann is in my office wondering why she’s investing so much time and energy in a relationship that may not have a foundation for long-term compatibility and commitment. Actually, this is a good question. Is there value in slugging through the big relationship muddy with an Alpha Martian who may be commitment-phobe? (Am I being redundant here?) I believe there iseven beyond the fact that folks like Ann help me meet my fairly outrageous monthly rent payment. So here are "The Stress Doc’s Seven Strategic Motivations for Working Through Relationship Trials, Tensions and Tears":

1. Short-circuit Impulsive Escape. Ann’s concerns about Bob’s potential for infidelity "down the road" are understandable. Still, her contemplating a preemptive strike, i.e., ending the relationship before Bob enacts his "open relationship" policy is a also defensive ploy. She wants to remove herself from the natural uncertainty and anxiety, conflict and vulnerability of the post-early stage or post-honeymoon phase of romantic relationship building. Protecting her self-esteem, Ann will withdraw before being abandoned and will reject before being humiliated. Even if Ann’s motives are more self-preservation than retaliation, to bail out now will deprive her of a unique psychological wellness health room for developing emotional and communicational muscle.

2. Recognize the Dark Side of Anger. Early on in her therapy work, Ann realized her anger pattern in significant non-work relationships: to swallow her charged emotions and/or physically retreat and stew. On occasion, before withdrawal, she might shoot off a verbal stinger loaded with condescending tone. The challenge is to acknowledge her frustration and to risk expressing her desire for more emotional sharing and less sexual fantasy despite the concomitant fear that to do so will "push Bob away" and lead to their breakup.

Of course, there are two main issues: First, is Bob that fragile in the intimacy realm that Ann’s anger or need for more mutual emotional disclosure will invariably lead to his bailing out? But the more critical issue, in my opinion, involves Ann’s shame or anxiety for being angry in the first place, let alone expressing such feelings. Her self-talk includes such classic condemnations as: a) her anger is irrational, b) she’s making a big deal over some trivial issues or c) she’s being "too needy" and "controlling." Whether it is Bob impugning Ann’s wishes for more genuine sharing or Ann giving up on herself, giving up on saying what’s in her heart and gut, both onslaughts will, over time, weaken her integrity and enhance a sense of helplessness. And her right to be angry is further undermined.

One of the most significant challenges, perhaps the biggest in an intimate relationship, is whether there is time and space and psychological maturity for healthy anger. Couples often confuse hostile and blaming "acc-you-sations" – "You made me," "It’s your fault," "You only think of yourself," and "You always drop the ball" – along with the "silent treatment" with healthy or justified anger. Of course, righteous rationalizations can even excuse verbal rages or physical explosions. Blaming often is a projection of one’s own feelings of inadequacy onto the perceived antagonist. Rage is usually triggered less by amplified righteous anger and more by a sense of humiliation and helplessness, self-percepts the enraged individual doesn’t want to feel. Actually, the volatile "victim" wants to deny that he or she likely has been harboring this unstable psychic volcano for months, if not years or decades. And the best way to shut down these smoldering, latently explosive hurts is to intimidate a partner, to push him or her outside one’s own zone of acceptable interpersonal intimacy. So the rageful individual must attack first, to "self protect." And if successful, eventually, intimidation becomes its own rewarduntil the belligerent behavior is challenged. Or until one can walk away stating, "I no longer will be party to this dysfunctional or abusive drama." And we may need professional help sometimes to take a self-affirming stand.

3. Grieve Previous Abuse. Ann recognized that her past two most significant romantic relationships were fraught with emotional and communicational problems. The seven-year relationship in her 20s was awash in her partner’s hostility that periodically crossed the border into cruelty. He was a classical batterer: he would tear Ann down for being immature, for being so "needy," then manage a brief respite of remorse and conciliation. This brief diversion (even if at times sincere, it’s the pattern that makes the remorse suspect) was quickly followed by tirades when Ann became justifiably suspicious of his extra-relationship pursuits. (Clearly, hot button memories will be flamed by some of Bob’s "open partnership" predilections and fantasies.)

A half-decade was lost before Ann finally and fully realized she was not the primary cause of her first partner’s chronic discontent and aggression.

In her mid-30s, with her second significant "long term" partner, the problem was less Ann feeling so immature and inadequate and more that she got entangled in rescue fantasies, that is, Ann trying to salvage her relationship with Roger motivated, at least partly, by her own loneliness and issues of separation anxiety. The honeymoon period was filled with sharing common cultural pursuits; they had a whirlwind social calendar. But a dysfunctional demon was beginning to raise its headand Ann was still putting her head in the sand — Roger’s drinking problem. Also not allowed full access on Ann’s psychic radar screen was Roger’s apparent clinical depression. And with both medical and psychological pathologies Ann slipped into the classic codependent role: she would enable her mate to overcome his demons, even if he wasn’t ready to truly acknowledge his dual diagnosis. Then Ann’s self-defeating thinking regressed into, "Well if he loved me enough he would get help." Next Ann, herself, attended some Al-Anon meetings (for the partners of the alcoholic). But nothing changed Roger’s self-destructive path. Alas, the more intimate Ann’s desires and communication the more Roger withdrew from his "Intimate FOE: Fear of Exposure."

Now it was less intimidation (though Roger’s pattern of withdrawal after six months was becoming more confusing and hurtful) and more Ann’s own fantasies of recapturing their magical bliss that kept her fighting for and holding on to Roger. And, as often happens, coexisting with obsessive fantasy is a near paralyzing fear of abandonment; an existential emptiness that had Ann clinging to this shell of a relationship.

Also, when there is some family history of depression and, perhaps, some biochemical sensitivity for Ann, as well, then defining healthy boundaries and asserting vital needs in a relationship is still a very scary proposition. Of course, it’s harder to be objective when the current dysfunctional relationship is better than its predecessor.

4. Recognize Historical Repetition. Ann quickly noted how her anxious mother could be excessively critical and impatient with her more laid back father. The couple fought frequently, much to Ann’s chagrin. Ann’s response was to keep out of the line of conflict by staying out of the house as much as possible. Parallels are evident in Ann’s current avoidance response when dealing with emotional conflict and anger.

When examining her parents’ conflict dynamics, Ann gradually discerned that her mother saw her husband as passive and lacking ambition. Ann’s mother was perturbed that he allowed himself to be trapped in a less than fulfilling and financially successful career. (And it’s possible that Ann’s mother was also displacing some of her own frustrations at not pursuing a career onto her husband. Not benefiting from the options opened by The Women’s’ Movement, one suspects her mother had some self-regrets in the career arena.)

Not surprisingly, Ann internalized much of her mother’s intensity and ambition. What needed to be acknowledged, was that Ann labored under and endured dysfunctional relationships analogous to her father’s career stasis. He put up with depressing and demeaning work situations; Ann’s history involves clinging to dysfunctional "intimate" relations.

And the final turn of the stress screw was Ann’s conscious and unconscious attempt not to be an overbearing nagger and complainer like her mother. As discussed earlier, a predictable consequence is Ann stifling the natural and self-affirming expression of healthy anger with a romantic partner. In turn, this leaves Ann with a diminished capacity for: a) recognizing emotionally charged needs, b) asking for her desires while articulating her dislikes and c) managing the acute anxiety around letting go — from unrealistic expectations to dead end situations. Ann’s sense of competence and power is being compromised!

Let me highlight a profound maturational axiom: Not only are we influenced by the quality of communication between ourselves and our parents and the emotional integrity within the parental interchange but, as children, we also internalize the overt and subterranean psychological conflicts, genetic mood dispositions and self-perceptions that, like viruses and antibodies live in the shadows of the psyches of our influential significant others. (Antibodies are the human organisms health/defense system productions for neutralizing bodily toxins, bacteria, etc.) And not surprisingly, the battle between symbolic antibodies and viruses is a psychic war that is waged within the mind-body system of each and every one of us.

5. Assess Current Mate’s Strengths and Vulnerabilities. When a person has not worked out the painful, self-defeating self-talk and behavior patterns internalized from childhood and early adult relationships intimacy is daunting. One major obstacle is viewing objectively the motives and actions of a partner, not to mention assessing one’s own psychological dynamics. For example, to what extent does Bob’s view regarding "open relationships" reflect: a) unconventional values, b) dissatisfaction with the sexual relationship with his ex-wife, c) ego gratification upon discovering that a number of women find him a desirable sexual partner, if not a mate, d) immature fear around making a commitment, that is a narcissistic dread of loss of freedom, e) or the narcissistic fear of forsaking meeting an even more desirable, more perfect, the quintessential Miss Right and even f) a fantasy or sex addiction that can be subtle enough so that its dysfunctional modus operandi – to numb emptiness and feelings of inadequacy or to keep one pumped with adrenaline and testosterone – is readily denied or rationalized away?

And to the degree that Ann doesn’t understand clearly Bob’s dysfunctions along with her own codependency fears around setting boundaries and her separation anxieties, then Bob’s desire for "openness" is too often perceived and judged through a "badness-goodness" lens. Ann’s not good enough for Bob and is left feeling bad about herself. Or, in an angry moment, he is just a rake and a user of women. For example, when Bob labeled her venting as "boring," Ann initially withdrew in shock and hurt; she felt judged. The retreat revealed one source of her anger: is her role always to keep Bob stimulated, physically or otherwise?

What Ann seemed to minimize was that Bob’s comment about being "bored" likely had to do with his lack of development in the area of "emotional intelligence." It may well reflect a general dis-ease in matters emotional. It’s important not to confuse impatience or attention deficiency for a lack of empathy. The latter seems more pertinent here. Bob has difficulty feeling for Ann, for putting himself in her shoes around her conflicted dilemma with her female friend. In addition, Ann’s not agreeing with his strategic suggestions. This not only is a blow to Bob’s sensitive ego in this arena but, on some level, Ann is indicating a lack of trust in his problem-solving judgment and social sophistication. Clearly, she’s beginning to place autonomy over accommodation.

And this questioning of Bob is progress for Ann. Resisting reflexive self-blame is a slowly growing sign of self-awareness and interpersonal integrity.

6. Wander and Battle in the Intimacy Mindscape. A willingness to grapple with all the emotions stirred by the process of intimacy — past and present, conscious and unconscious — is, first and foremost, a commitment to living on the courageous edge. As childhood vulnerabilities surface in adult love nests and battlefields, hostile fight or humiliated flight is a common outcome. A key therapy goal becomes helping Ann realize that continuing her self-exploration through the intimacy dance with Bob is not a sign of dysfunctional dependency, at least for now; it’s not the same as her past clinging to unhealthy and immature relationships. The challenges and benefits are clear:

a. Self-Emersion and Healthy Discrimination. Discovering that one can momentarily be flooded with emotion without drowning or without having to escape or erupt is a sign of maturational evolution. Ann’s choosing to withdraw from Bob’s "boring" stab was functional because she used the time to clarify her smoldering jumble of feelings. She didn’t just feel sorry for herself and lick her wounds or obsessively plan a retaliatory counterattack (though it may have crossed her mind). She was able to clarify her needs and dislikes and courageously express anger.

b. Transformation of Hurt and Humiliation into Constructive Anger. Ann let Bob know she felt "judged" and "dismissed" by asserting herself: she wanted an ear, not expertise. Ann refrained from blaming "You" messages: "You were hostile," "You have no capacity for empathy," "You have no real feelings for me," etc. Perhaps feeling like a wounded child initially, Ann eventually returned to the intimacy arena taking anxious yet definite steps toward adult intimacy and problem-solving.

c. Development of Integrity and New Identity. The capacity to withstand and transform the heat of the intimacy crucible, to express healthy anger with a partner and to discover that neither you nor the partner dissolve or resort to hostile or volatile retaliationthis is the formula for building real trust in a relationship. Through this process Ann is beginning to develop self-trust. Her anger is appropriate to the provocation and her expression is clear and clean. She is also discovering that the expression of anger doesn’t automatically lead to abandonment or abuse. Ann likely will risk again genuine assertion during times of conflict, though, sometimes she will move forward, sometimes she will back away. Ann is beginning to glean the true meaning of Jonas Salk’s words as it applies to building personal integrity and identity. The pioneer of the polio vaccine declared: "Evolution is about getting up one more time than we fall down; about being courageous one more time than we are fearful; about being trusting just one more time than we are anxious." Ann is definitely on an evolutionary path.

d. Therapy as Safety Net. What happens if Ann keeps growing, being able to express her needs for emotional sharing along with having reasonable expectations regarding Bob’s intimate involvement with her? That is, Ann may need to accept that Bob may never become truly fluent in verbalizing his emotions. Yet, if he can accept some coaching, he has the potential to be "good enough" in this interpersonal arena. Or, Bob may never fully let go of some of his unconventional ideas or wistful fantasies, but he can still commit to intimate fidelity if he’s willing to do the head work, heart work and homework.

Ann will need to establish her bottom line if she believes Bob is resisting growth critical to a healthy and intimate give and take: a) asking Bob to join her in a therapy session or b) asking him to go for individual counseling. If Bob agrees, and really commits to the therapy process, with their individual strengths forging a vital intimate relationship is a realizable goal.

And if Bob refuses counseling or prematurely drops out then Ann has a clear signal regarding the long term potential of the relationship. Ann also knows she gave her all to make it work. And while seeing her partnership dissolve would be acutely painful, as Donna Summer said, "I will survive!" And as the Stress Doc affirmed: "Whether the loss is a key person, a desired position or a powerful illusion each deserves the respect of a mourning. The pit in the stomach, the clenched fists and quivering jaw, the anguished sobs prove catalytic in time. In mystical fashion, like Spring upon Winter, the seeds of dissolution bear fruitful renewal."

7. The Unexpected Value of Conflict. When rational or, even, irrational conflict is engaged with heartfelt anger, not contaminated with sarcastic or passive hostility and rage, then passionate expression becomes the catalyst for self-affirmation. It also provides the communicational building blocks for forging intimate bridges between disconnected or fractious parties. As Ann overcomes her dread, as she lets go of a need to displace her own fears and feelings of inadequacy and/or shame, as she courageously stays with the interpersonal conflict she will discover two pearls of wisdom, one poetic the other acronymic:

For the Phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.

And the second pearl is the unexpected payoff from tolerating the tension and friction that builds when partners clash over feelings and facts, short-term goals and enduring values; when the parties can engage in a healthy battle over autonomy or control without chronic win-lose competition. Clearly there’s a fight both for intimacy and for one’s individual sense of identity within the relationship crucible. So consider the oft-unrecognized potential of vital conflict and a good fight:

"S" stands for status quo. With genuine conflict you cannot do business as usual.
"U" is for the underlying feelings that finally come out with a good fight.
"C" means clarification. Constructive conflict compels people to be clear and to take a stand.
"C" stimulates creative synthesis. Opposition may not equal obstruction; it can turn on an expanded and integrated solution.
"E" allows for empathy. You finally understand and feel where your partner in conflict is coming from.
"S" is spontaneity. Healthy conflict propels people to risk a range of emotions, especially anger. And finally,
"S" signifies the strengthened relationship that blossoms in the soil of conflict and through this challenging and potentially growth-producing process.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S. By harnessing the energy in conflict, you’ve discovered the intimate secret for success!

And an acronym for reminding us toPractice Safe Stress!

Mark Gorkin, LICSW, "The Stress Doc," is the Internet’s and America Online’s "Online Psychohumorist". An experienced psychotherapist, "The Doc" is a nationally recognized speaker, and training and OD consultant specializing in Stress, Anger Management, Reorganizational Change, Team Building and HUMOR! An expert advisor for www.AdviceZone.com and iVillage/allHealth, his writings are syndicated by iSyndicate.com and appear in a wide variety of online and offline forums and publications, including AOL/Online Psych and Business Know How, Mental Help Net, 4Therapy.com, WorkforceOnline, HRHub.com, SelfhelpMagazine.com, Financial Services Journal Online, CONVENE (The Journal of the Professional Convention Management Assn.), OpportunityWorld and Counseling Today. Recently, he has been quoted and/or featured in such publications as Cosmopolitan Magazine, Bloomberg Report/News, Forbes Magazine, FoxNews.com, Dallas Morning News and The Washington Flyer. The Doc also leads his national "Shrink Rap and Group Chat" for AOL/Digital City and WebMD.com. Check out his USA Today Online "Hotsite" Website — www.stressdoc.com . For info on his workshops or for his free newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662. Fall 2000, look for Practice Safe Stress with the Stress Doc, published by AdviceZone.com.

(c) Mark Gorkin 2000 Shrink Rap Productions

Simple Gratitude ~ a quality of paying attention to what seems obvious, predictable, and normal in our lives.

I recently went on a course about writing responses to Ministerial enquiries. A Ministerial Enquiry is when a constituent writes to their local MP and asks them one of two questions:

Why has this happened to me – in my neighbourhood – to my community?

or

Why hasn’t his happened to me – in my neighbourhood – to my community?

It can be about anything. An urban development, not getting into a course, the state of the roads in their neighbourhood, some issues with government rules, a new treatment for an illness, access to medical care or support and so on.

What has gratitude to do with this? Ministerials require a quick and accurate response from public servants. They require us to stop what we are doing and answer the questions asked and explain how or why something has or hasn’t gone the way the person would have liked. They can feel like being put in the spotlight in a negative way – if you think of it like that! But at this course the trainer did an amazing thing. She reframed how I think about Ministerials.

Ministerials are evidence of democracy in action. They show we live in a society where people are not afraid to ask questions of the government and its public servants. There is no punishment, no reprisals for exercising your democratic rights. They also show that the public are willing to use non-violent means to get heard and express their wishes and needs.

I am grateful for Ministerials.

What else that I have complained about in the past or not even noticed  and am now simply grateful for?

• traffic lights – for keeping me safe
• Medicare – for ensuring I have reasonable access to health care
• electricity – so I can stay warm, cook my food etc
• paying tax – so I can drive on good roads, educate my children, support those in need
• queues – so that I know I will be seen when it is my turn and I do not need to fight for attention and service
• my job – I get to contribute to the well-being of others and get paid every week

~ Simple Gratitude ~

for those things we hardly notice or take for granted

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Dream Work)