The basic premise underlying Transformative Communication is that people are trying to connect when they communicate.

Unfortunately sometimes the “way we connect” such as our words, behaviour or strategies do just the opposite…they lead to a communication breakdown.

Furthermore, our culture has developed a language structure that contributes to this breakdown; either in our inner talk or the way we talk with and to others.

Marshall Rosenberg identifies four “D’s” leading to disconnection:

1. Diagnosis: judgements, analysis, criticism & comparison
2. Denial of responsibility
3. Demand
4. Deserve-oriented language

Examples:

1. Diagnosis
   1. Judgement = She is lazy. Those people are greedy.
   2. Analysis = They are just attention- seeking. She is so needy.
   3. Criticism = That’s the wrong way. When will you grow up?
   4. Comparison = Your sister always tries harder at school. She is prettier than me.

1. Denial of responsibility:
   1. You made me angry/sad/punish you.
   2. I have to…..x, y, z
   3. They made me….
   4. I have to follow the rules.

1. Demand:
   1. Direct: You have to do the dishes/clean up your room/go to bed.
   2. Indirect: Can you swap shifts with me? Remember I swapped with you for your sister’s wedding.

1. Deserve-oriented language:
   1. He broke the law so he deserves to be punished.
   2. What goes around comes around.
   3. They are poor because they don’t work hard enough and save their money.

These forms of communication have developed over thousands of years and many are embedded in the way our language, English, is structured. For example the verb “to be” enables us to label ourselves or others and makes something that is “just in this moment” sound like a statement of fact or permanent:

‘I am depressed’, implies that

• I always feel sad, will always feel sad, and I can do nothing about it.

‘Is’ and ‘are’, like all present tense verbs, imply no time, no space and absolute truth. ‘I am depressed’ abbreviates what has happened in the past. So perhaps it means:

I felt sad on many occasions in the past, and I feel sad now.

• With a partner identify which communication breakers you have experienced receiving and briefly state how you felt and still feel, e.g. I feel defiant when I hear moralising; I feel hurt when I hear name calling
• With your partner identify which a communication breaker you use most often with other people and briefly note the situations in which you use them, e.g. judging when frustrated, praising when wanting to get something done, withdrawal when feeling overwhelmed.
• What need were you trying to meet when using a communication breaker? For example. Using praise to get someone to do what I want – I have a need for ease.

Say you’re having a conversation with someone and you’re feeling triggered. If your emotions are charged enough that you can’t think of anything to say that will support connection your first step is self-empathy. By offering yourself this gift you will find that your heart softens and then yearns to hear what is going on for the other person because connection has been restored inside you. Self-empathy is a gift to both parties.

1. Acknowledge that you are upset and name what you are feeling and needing:

Start by saying something like:

“Oh, something in me is really upset by this situation. It’s feeling and needing…”

This kind of statement gives you some space around the feelings. There are the feelings and needs and then there is you who can offer self-empathy.

You may find yourself using words which imply someone has done something “to” you. This can lead to blaming or a belief they are doing something wrong – then acknowledge this also. Look for the feeling and need underneath.

For example if you hear yourself saying you feel cheated – are the feelings underneath resentful, hurt or angry and are you needing honesty, fairness, justice, trust or reliability? If you hear yourself saying you feel taken for granted are you really feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed and needing appreciation, acknowledgment and recognition?

Still feeling disconnected from yourself? Then…

2. Take the other person out of your sentence about this situation to come back to yourself.

“He doesn’t care about me”…try taking the word him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value consideration’.

“She is so controlling”…take her out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value autonomy’.

“He is so vague”…take him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value clarity’.

3.Notice what you do enjoy:

Consider identifying one most present need that you have in the situation, and say this to yourself (inside your head; do not say this out loud!),

“I love it when (insert need).”

For example, say you’d like to be heard. In this case, the statement you say inside your head would be,

“I love it when I’m heard.”

It’s amazing how simply connecting to what we want (rather than judging the other or ourselves, or focusing on the needs that aren’t met for us), can help clear the path for greater connection with ourselves and others.

‘Between stimulus and response there is a space.

In that space is our power to choose our response.

In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’

Viktor Frankl

This space, for me, can be tiny. It can be over in a nanosecond before I make a habitual move or reaction. However, I am celebrating that nowadays I can sense the space. This is more than I could do a few years ago.

And lately, “an opening into the more” comes for me. The stimulus occurs and I notice it as a stimulus. Ahhh…there is freedom and choice in this moment.

In the next few posts I will explore some of “the more” that comes:

1. Making a Clear Observation
2. Connecting with Myself (self-empathy)
3. Assuming positive intent – looking at both of our intentions
4. Guessing what is going on for the other person (empathy)
5. Making useful assumptions
6. Knowing what I want (clear requests)

Observation as presence

What disconnects us from our natural state of compassion is our thinking and our thinking in a particular way. It is running us, we seem unconscious and lost in thought and or thinking in a way that is judging, blaming – that is when we are caught in thought.

Observation is being the witness to that thinking. I try and make a clear statement about the stimulus- not adding judgements, interpretations, feelings, thoughts or past experiences. I try and keep it simple.

How do we step out of our mind-stream?

1. Drop into the physical sense of feeling in the body as awareness of feeling. Practice mindfulness of body.
2. Observation as being with pure perception. E.g. seeing a thought going through our mind or what we are hearing, seeing, sensing. We are being the observer of our experience vs. being the thinker of our experience.

Practicing observing our outer world

Exercise: Look around the room you are in. look at anything, an object and see if you can see it without even labelling it, without any thoughts about that object. Notice if you hear the words for the object, see if you can let them go by and come back to being the observer. Being the emptiness of your mind that the thoughts and the objects are the content of.

We are used to noticing the world through the frame of language, how we think, what we say.

How does this exercise relate to NVC?

Thinking and the jackal thinking is what disconnects us from our natural compassion. So if we can witness and observe and be that observer it gives us space to choose something else other than our conditioning.

We can observe what is outside of us or observing our own thoughts. We can be the witnessing presence of our own thinking. Then we can choose a response rather than a reaction. It is like strengthening a muscle that is crucial in NVC and to see that thinking with love – so as not to judge our thinking but rather enjoy the jackal show because they are conveying needs and every judgement is an expression of a need. If we get to the need then we find our living energy. Another word to describe the jackal voice is our ego voice.

Practicing observing our inner world

1. Observation language; being able to differentiate language that is just saying what is; evaluation is any interpretation that I am putting on top of it, any kind of story or meaning.

Exercise: Watch your thoughts, watch whatever is going on in your mind. It might help to focus on your 3^rd eye, out your attention there. It is like you are internally looking there and rest there with awareness. We become the container in which the thoughts occur.

Language causing suffering:

There are 2 kinds of feelings: ones where we are directly connected to our needs – there may be pain or sadness, but it is a sweet feeling. But when we feel suffering NVC says it is our thoughts that are doing that. What we are observing outside, the stimulus, is related to what we are feeling but the feeling is connected to our needs being met or not met.

Part of the difficulty of observing is:

1. Our language is static because of the verb “to be” we say “people are this or that” implying that it won’t or doesn’t change

2. Verbs are connotative (they imply good/bad etc): “Mary dawdles”.

3. Implications/opinions are often expressed as facts: eg

a. “She won’t get fit” rather than “I don’t think she will get fit”.

4. Confusing predictability with certainty eg.

If you go out in the rain you will catch a cold.

5. Failure to be specific:

“Young people don’t know the value of money.”

6. Imply ability:

“She’s not a good typist” rather than “she types at 30wpm with 50% accuracy”

7. Use of adverbs and adjectives:

“She’s fat”  rather than “She is 160cm tall and weighs 100kg”

Exercise in language awareness:

Notice the difference between each of the sets of sentences below. Sat them out loud so you can hear and feel the impact on your body.

You are too generous.

When I see you give your lunch money to others, I think you are too generous.

Doug procrastinates.

Doug started studying for the exam the night before.

She won’t get her work in.

I don’t think she’ll get her work in.

You don’t eat balanced meals.

If you don’t eat balanced meals, I fear that your health will be your health will be impaired.

Renters don’t take care of their property.

I have not seen the family living at 1679 Ross St mow their lawns for 2 weeks.

Take 3 statements you regularly make that you now believe have evaluations mixed with observation and translate them into clear observations.

1.……………………………. ………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

2.……………………………. ………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

3.……………………………. ………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

……………………………. …………………………………………….

Now say each statement to yourself twice and notice how you feel in your body saying a mixed observation
vs a clear observation.

“Our thinking causes our suffering.

Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice”. 

The Buddha.

It takes your breath away when you are at the receiving end of blame, judgement, criticism, cynicism, and sarcasm or when you are interrupted, talked over or given unwelcome advise.

You can feel it in your body – the retraction, the numbing or the rising emotions, the tightening or bracing.

You can hear thoughts coming ranging from “maybe they are right” leading to disconnection from your own inner knowing or “how dare they!” making the other person an enemy to be defended against.

How can you manage this? One tried and true method is feeling compassionate.

Strange as it may sound, when you feel under attack, compassion can be the best form of self-defence.

It not only disarms the attacker, it provides a safe space for you.

Compassion provides a powerful defence against psychological harm. Through perspective taking, it changes false meanings about self  we may infer from the behaviour of others because compassion keeps your attention on the person behaving inappropriately or causing the hurt. Thus the abuse/comments are not internalised but seen as the abuser’s or critic’s problem.

For example if my spouse tells me I am selfish or calls me a terrible name compassion for him protects me from internalising the hurt. Rather I can see that he is hurt or fearful and I can then be with him from that space.

This, then disarms the defences of the person attacking you. The attention is brought back to them and what they need and not on you and what you need to do.

Coffee Argument by alasdair

Ok. Here are the top 10 ways to kill off good communication. No, make that kill off any communication that counts.

These are easy to do and guaranteed to succeed.

You can mix and match them and I can 100% guarantee, to you, that you will never get to use them all in one conversation before it is ended by the other person.

1. Ordering & Commanding Consequence
   1. You must…
   2. You have to…
   3. You will…
   4. You’ll have to stop doing that…
2. Warning & Threatening
   1. If you don’t, then…
   2. You’d better, or…
3. Moralising & Preaching
   1. You should…
   2. You ought to…
   3. It is your responsibility
4. Advising & Giving Solutions
   1. What I would do is…
   2. Why don’t you…
   3. Let me suggest…
   4. If I were you…
5. Judging, Criticising & Blaming
   1. You’re not thinking maturely…
   2. You are so lazy, incompetent, slow…
   3. It’s your fault…
6. Praising & Agreeing
   1. Well, I think you are doing a great job!
   2. You’re right, they sound awful!
7. Name Calling & Ridiculing
   1. Cry baby…
   2. Wuss…
   3. Cat got your tongue?
8. Diverting, Sarcasm & Withdrawal
   1. Let’s not talk about that…
   2. Well, why don’t you try running the world?
   3. Remaining silent, turning away
   4. No eye contact
   5. Why do you have to talk about that; you know it upsets me.
9. Interrupting
1. Impatience and talking over the top of the speaker
2. Stuck on own ideas or being right: “No, that’s not right, you…”

10.   Resistance, cynicism and resignation

1. Yeah…but…
2. It can’t be any different than it is…

Just notice how often one or more of these are used on television shows (especially reality T.V.), at work in meetings, on talk back radio and generally in your life. Even as you read this post, reflect upon a time you experienced being on the receiving end of these communication killers. How did you feel and what did you do?

And which are your favourites in times of stress or fear. Which communication killers do you resort to and how do you feel when you use them? Consciousness is the first step to change so give this exercise your attention. I only ask that you don’t beat yourself up with what you find, nor judge or criticise others. We have been raised to relate this way. It is part of our culture – it is the pond in which we have swum so how could we be any other way than we are right now?

Now, while I am posting this list I won’t leave you hanging for too long. Over the next few days I will post some alternatives to communication killers – and most importantly I will post some ways to handle it when these killer comments are coming in your direction from someone else. I will show you how to turn the conversation around to make it more effective, meaningful and cooperative.

In the meantime, just see if you can notice what we do actually do in reality, AND, see if you can imagine how different each situation might be if communication had been cooperative, caring, clear and more conscious.