from: New York Times,  March 17, 2010, 2:34 pm By RONI CARYN RABIN

ZenShui/Getty Images

Deep conversations made people happier than small talk, one study found.

Would you be happier if you spent more time discussing the state of the world and the meaning of life — and less time talking about the weather?

It may sound counterintuitive, but people who spend more of their day having deep discussions and less time engaging in small talk seem to be happier, said Matthias Mehl, a psychologist at the University of Arizona who published a study on the subject.

“We found this so interesting, because it could have gone the other way — it could have been, ‘Don’t worry, be happy’ — as long as you surf on the shallow level of life you’re happy, and if you go into the existential depths you’ll be unhappy,” Dr. Mehl said.

But, he proposed, substantive conversation seemed to hold the key to happiness for two main reasons: both because human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and because we are social animals who want and need to connect with other people.

“By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world,” Dr. Mehl said. “And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.”

Dr. Mehl’s study was small and doesn’t prove a cause-and-effect relationship between the kind of conversations one has and one’s happiness. But that’s the planned next step, when he will ask people to increase the number of substantive conversations they have each day and cut back on small talk, and vice versa.

The study, published in the journal Psychological Science, involved 79 college students — 32 men and 47 women — who agreed to wear an electronically activated recorder with a microphone on their lapel that recorded 30-second snippets of conversation every 12.5 minutes for four days, creating what Dr. Mehl called “an acoustic diary of their day.”

Researchers then went through the tapes and classified the conversation snippets as either small talk about the weather or having watched a TV show, and more substantive talk about current affairs, philosophy, the difference between Baptists and Catholics or the role of education. A conversation about a TV show wasn’t always considered small talk; it could be categorized as substantive if the speakers analyzed the characters and their motivations, for example.

Many conversations were more practical and did not fit in either category, including questions about homework or who was taking out the trash, for example, Dr. Mehl said. Over all, about a third of all conversation was ranked as substantive, and about a fifth consisted of small talk.

But the happiest person in the study, based on self-reports about satisfaction with life and other happiness measures as well as reports from people who knew the subject, had twice as many substantive conversations, and only one-third of the amount of small talk as the unhappiest, Dr. Mehl said. Almost every other conversation the happiest person had — 45.9 percent of the day’s conversations — were substantive, while only 21.8 percent of the unhappiest person’s conversations were substantive.

Small talk made up only 10 percent of the happiest person’s conversations, while it made up almost three times as much –- or 28.3 percent –- of the unhappiest person’s conversations.

Next, Dr. Mehl wants to see if people can actually make themselves happier by having more substantive conversations.

“It’s not that easy, like taking a pill once a day,” Dr. Mehl said. “But this has always intrigued me. Can we make people happier by asking them, for the next five days, to have one extra substantive conversation every day?”

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So…why do we feel happier after a deep conversations?

1. Because human beings are driven to find and create meaning in their lives, and
2. because we are social creatures who want and need to connect with other people.

So this week try doing two things:

Decide that you will do your best to avoid colluding in the superficial banter that seems to have become part and parcel of daily interaction for at least 1 or 2 conversations a day.  When you ask “how are you?” invite the person you asked to tell you more. If they say they are busy at work ask another “how, what, or when” question.

1. Stop what you are doing and listen…no multitasking when having a deep conversation.
2. Ask yourself: Who will I be speaking with today and what are the conversations with these people that matter most?

Try this practice for the next week and see if the happiness research bears out in your life.

So, you’ve started a conversation and it becomes apparent that there is NO MUTUAL PURPOSE. Oh no! Isn’t that one of the key criteria for having a successful Crucial Conversation. It sure is!

No amount of contrasting will work here.  What will?

Try CRIB!

Commit to seek mutual purpose

Recognise the Purpose behind the Strategy

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Brainstorm New Strategies

1. Committing to seek mutual purpose: here we need to take a leap of faith. We need to agree to agree. To do this we need to ask ourselves if we can leave silence or violence behind for long enough to try a new strategy. Starting with our Heart we commit to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share. Do to do this we need to open to the idea that there is another choice out there – not ours, not theirs. If you find that you are in a battle of wills it could be that it is because you, or they, feel unsafe.  Try this amazingly powerful but simple skill – simply say:

“It seems like we are both trying to force our view. I commit to staying in this discussion until we both have a solution both of us are happy with.”

2. Recognise the purpose behind the strategy: That is what need is being met by the strategy each person is choosing? If I want to go to a movie and my partner wants to stay at home it looks like we our choices are incompatible. When you notice this – step out of the content of the conversation and start talking about the needs or purpose behind your strategy. I might have a need for entertainment and rest. He might have a need for rest and ease. We could go out for dinner and then rent a DVD so that we have an early night and no-one has to rush home and cook dinner.

So you have been offered a promotion but it will require you working longer hours and sometimes travelling interstate. Your partner already feels that you do not spend enough time at home and the so do the kids. However, the promotion comes with a significant pay increase and a car which everyone agrees would be a good thing.  Your conversations goes something like:

You: Hey honey, I just offered that new job in Head Office. I’ll get a 20% pay rise and a car! Isn’t that great?

Them: Is that the job you have been talking about since the new department opened?

You: Sure is! And they want me to head up the new section.

Them: I can’t believe you are thinking about taking it. You know it will involve more hours – its not like the kids see you now during the week. And won’t it involve interstate travel too?

You: Ah – well, yes. It will.  But it is a great job and I have always wanted to work in that area.

Them: What about us? You won’t be around for us.

STOP HERE. STOP TALKING ABOUT CONTENT NOW AND START TALKING ABOUT NEEDS OR VALUES.

Ask: what needs are you wanting to meet by doing x,y,z? Or What is the purpose of doing x,y,z?

You: O.K. honey – I can hear you are concerned about my work-life balance and being here for the kids. Is that right?

Them: Yes. You will miss all the important moments. And I get really tired doing all the running around during the week and on the weekends. I need some ease, rest and support.

You: (Let them know you have heard and can empathise with how it is for them). Oh, are you concerned that I will miss the unrepeatable moments with the kids and may regret that later and you need some more support with the kids and some rest too.

Them: Its not just that you will regret it – they miss having you there. They want their Dad to see them doing what they do.

You: (Hear the correction – this just gives you more insight into the situation and is not a criticism of how you hear). Oh, I see, the kids miss me too. O.K. o there is being worried I will regret missing those important events, the kids miss me and then you need some support too.

Them: Yes, that’s it. And I miss you too – I really want to share these times with you. But I can hear how important this job is to you. What is it about it that makes you want to consider it?

You: Well…

3. Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you cannot find a mutual purpose then you need to make one up. Try moving to a higher order purpose or more encompassing goals. The conversation continues…

You: So you want me here more and I want the job. How are we going to manage it? I can’t take out the interstate travel and hours.

Them: O.K. well maybe we could talk about what are our big values nowadays.

You: Well, we’ve always agreed that time together and time with the kids is important. I agree with that.

Them: And we really value our relationship – time together.

You: I also remember us talking about giving the kids opportunities we never had – travel, hobbies and so on.

Them: True. The increase in pay will help with that. Rosie could take the art lessons she wants and Brian could go on the soccer trip to New Zealand with his club.

You: So we value opportunities and time together as a family mostly – yes?

Them: Yes.

Take a breather here. Take a moment to enjoy the connection and agreement. Celebrate that.

Then start the conversation from this place of shared meaning.

4. Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have built safety by re-establishing mutual purpose you can brainstorm new strategies. Agree to suspend judgement and brainstorm. Agree that just like in any brainstorm no idea is too crazy and it may or may not be taken up. Maybe it would be possible to…

get a cleaner or gardener to lighten the load at home and free up time

work from home two afternoons a week

have time at home straight after interstate travel

take your wife and kids on the travel that happens in the school holidays – they can sightsee during the day and you can spend evenings together.

…and so on…

Remember – you can use time-out to help you manage your feelings and thoughts in this process. If you do call a time out you need to let your partner know why and when you will  time back in. You can use your contrasting skill here.

O.K. honey. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed just now and I am not thinking straight. My desire to get the job is over-riding my ability to listen carefully to what you are saying. Can I take a 5 minute break to calm down. I don’t want you to think I am walking away from the conversation but I do need to get back into a better, more settled mental space.

So over the last 3 posts we have practised:

1. Identifying which condition is at risk –mutual purpose or mutual safety
2. Stepping Out to make it safe again by
• Apologising
• Contrasting
• CRIB-bing
3. Stepping back in with an intention to resolve.

All sounds very straightforward. Until your emotions run high or the outcome really matters to you, or this is just like when your mother, father, Grade 6 school teacher did….

Next we will hear about how to master our stories – and how to stay in dialogue when you are hurt, angry or scared.

3 simple eye-opening questions that can untangle conflict.

By Tammy Lenski

http://conflictzen.com/

One of those characteristics is clarity…what it’s really about and what most needs to be discussed to clear the air and get back on track. I want to offer up three eye-opening questions that can unlock even the most complicated conflicts.

Clarity Question 1. What is this really about for me?

It may be tempting to answer this one quickly, making it all about them. Don’t do it! Examples of throw-away, trap-ridden answers in workplace conflict include,

1. How sick I am of his passive-aggressive attitude.
2. Her disrespectful treatment of me in front of others.
3. The way she passes off all responsibility for problems and puts the blame on my shoulders.

The hint that you’ve taken the easy way out is when your answer is essentially a restatement of your diagnosis of the other person and their behavior. The problems with diagnosing outwardly instead of gaining inner clarity are:

• You may be right. You also have a reasonable chance of being wrong. Every person you have conflict with has others who think they’re terrific.
• Even if you are right, is it likely that your repeated diagnosis is going to lead to their changing that part of themselves? When you make it all about them you give up all your negotiating power to their discretion.
• You assume the problem behavior is a state of being for them, when it could just as easily be a reasonable reaction to something they see from you.
• You’ve missed the real key to unlocking the conflict: Your own actionable clarity.

Don’t take the easy way out.

Ask yourself the question again, with the emphasis on the last two words: What is this really about for me?

Building off the examples above, here are more meaningful answers that give you clarity about how to proceed:

1. Wanting to know that when he and I agree on something, he’s fully agreeing and will act on that agreement.
2. Wanting to be seen as the competent manager I am.
3. Willingness to assume responsibility to the degree I should, but not take on blame for someone else’s actions.

The first type of answer gets you trapped, the second opens up meaningful dialogue

See the difference?

Tempting answer 1: How sick I am of his passive-aggressive attitude.

Makes the conversation about: Whether or not he’s passive aggressive (he’ll no doubt say he’s not), how it’s got to stop, and how wrong you are.

Better answer 1: Wanting to know that when he and I agree on something, he’s fully agreeing and will act on that agreement.

Makes the conversation about: How to ensure you’re getting genuine agreement instead of an avoidant response. This offers fertile ground for change. Maybe he’s afraid to disagree with you. Maybe when he tries to disagree he feels ignored, so he’s given up and just nods to get the conversation over with. Maybe he feels pressed for time and isn’t aware that taking time to sort out a truly effective agreement is worth it to you. Maybe something else worth discovering.

When you get clarity on what it’s about for you, you open up the possibility of discovery. And effective conflict resolution is all about discovery.

Clarity Question 2: What do I need them most to understand?

This question has the greatest potential for insight if you answer what’s often the hidden second portion of your reply. First-blush answers, for instance, might be:

1. That I can’t trust him when he acts passive-aggressively.
2. That I won’t tolerate being disrespected in front of other members of my team.
3. That she needs to learn how to accept responsibility for her own actions.

The problem with those kinds of responses is that you’re making it about the other person and relying on them to change in order get what you need. When they hear those responses, their reaction is likely to be a defensive one, and the conversation will no longer be about what you need them to understand.

Instead, find what you most want them to understand by adding a short phrase to your knee-jerk reply, like this:

1. That I can’t trust him when he acts passive-aggressively and the impact on me is never feeling like a decision is firm and then I have to monitor what happens, taking time and energy I need for other projects.
2. That I won’t tolerate being disrespected in front of others and the impact on me is that my authority is repeatedly undermined.
3. That she needs to learn how to accept responsibility for her own actions because when doesn’t, the impact on me is that that I feel like I’m not part of a healthy team.

Aha! Now you’re getting somewhere. In my examples, what you most want them to understand is:

1. I want us to make decisions that will really work for us and don’t require us to keep re-visiting them.
2. I’m worthy of your respect even when I do something you don’t agree with.
3. I want us to create a healthy team where we can make occasional mistakes and not feel like we have to push the blame elsewhere.

See how it works? The first set of answers don’t change the conversation much. But the last set of responses drill down to what’s really meaningful. And once again, you’ve invited possibility to the table.

Clarity Question 3: What do I need to understand about or learn from them?

In disagreements at home and work, most people spend the bulk of their energy trying to be heard, trying to be understood, and trying to get the other person to support their solution to the problem. It’s a version of the old 80/20 rule — 80% of your time on you and 20% on them.

Mediators and conflict coaches know to help you flip the 80/20 rule — 20% of your energy on your own story and perspective and 80% on theirs. Why? Because 20% is enough — you know your story and perspective well enough already. Spend your energy where it will make a difference.

And once you’ve helped the other one be heard and made a genuine attempt to understand them, the likelihood of their doing the same for you is multiplied.

What do I need to understand about or learn from them changes the 80/20 rule into the better 20/80 habit.

Conflict Zen by Tammy Lenski is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at ConflictZen.com.

In May I posted Interrupt with Grace written by Ian Peatey at Quantum Learning.

Here are 2 more reasons why we may interrupt; we may be full up or we may no longer feel like offering empathy

We have heard enough

By this I mean we may have heard a long piece from the person we are listening to and

1. we simply cannot take any more in or keep track any longer
2. they have started to repeat themselves
3. they are starting on a new topic

Here are some ways we can interrupt with grace:

When we can’t take anymore in:

“Wow Mary, I’m really appreciating what you’ve shared with me and can hear there are some important things in there for you and I it sounds like the most important is…”

“So, I think I’ve got the essence of it and I’d like to let you know what I am hearing.”

or

“Hey, Mary, I’ve got to stop you for a moment. I’m really wanting to hear each of those things that are important to you fully and I’m noticing I can’t hold it all. Can I just let you know what I’ve heard so far?”

When they are starting to repeat themselves:

“Hey Mary, I wonder if I can let you know what I’ve already heard…(and keep going now – the question is rhetorical – reflecting back some key feelings and needs, but mainly the needs you’ve heard). You’re needing…. or it sounds like (needs) are really up for you here etc.”

When they are starting on a new topic:

“Whoa, Mary – before we go on to something new I’d really enjoy completing what we were just talking about. I want to make sure I have heard what you wanted me to hear and/or there are some things I would like to share with you around all of that’.”

No room for offering more Empathy

Empathy Hostage by La Shelle Lowe-Charde

One of the blocks to a willingness to give empathy is the fear and/or experience of being held hostage by the idea that you should keep giving it long after your desire and energy to do so has faded.  Somewhere in the middle your natural desire to listen with compassion gives way to other needs (food, rest, play, mutuality, it could be anything).

For example, let’s say you are listening to someone with empathy for some amount of time and you notice you are hungry and starting to fade.  Here you are at a cross roads.  If you have not taken on the job of being responsible for this person’s feelings and needs and you can articulate your caring for the other while taking care of yourself, you might say something like this:

“I am noticing that I feel caring for you and also noticing that I am hungry and starting to fade. I need to get some food.  I am wondering if this has been helpful and if there is anything I can do before I go get something to eat?”

On other hand, if you take on the job of getting this person out of suffering or hold the belief that you will only be loved if you give unconditionally, you will likely ignore your own needs.  You may say things to yourself like:

“This person really needs me.”
“It would be selfish to stop listening right now.”
“They really will be hurt if I say I can’t listen anymore.”
“It’s my job as a caring person (friend, partner, daughter, etc.)  to listen.”
“A compassionate person would keep listening.”

These are the words of the part of you that puts you in empathy hostage.  A place where you start to feel resentful or guilty instead of compassionate.  In the end these painful experiences have you avoiding times when you could give empathy freely.

This week notice when you are listening more than you really want to.  Experiment with interrupting to help the other person connect with both your caring for them and your desire to tend to other needs to take care of yourself.

This last piece comes directly from La Shelle Lowe-Charde who writes a wonderful newsletter full of NVC tips and reflections that I really value and look forward to receiving. If you would enjoy reading more of her previous gems they are posted on her website:  http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/

Learning to assume positive intent has asked me to explore a pattern of assumptions that date right back into my childhood.

The assumed position I was raised with is that people generally act in their own self-interest and that is “bad” if it causes uncomfortable feelings in another person.

This family belief also leads to a “you” focus. You are the cause of my distress, annoyance, upset. You need to change what you are doing. Not only does it lead to disconnection with the other person (now seen as a problem) it leads to disempowerment and disconnection with myself.

So long as I believe another person is able to “control” how I feel with their words or actions then I feel vulnerable and unsafe. From this place I may choose flight, freeze or fight as my habitual response. How this looks in my life is withdrawal and denial, blocking and passive-aggressive or attacking, blaming and judging.

So, what if the belief I was raised with is partially right? People do act in their self interest. And what if I only need to shift the second half of my belief? If they are acting in their self-interest – that means they are meeting needs that matter to them –now I can get curious from an empowered and empathic place.

Ahhh….

Say you’re having a conversation with someone and you’re feeling triggered. If your emotions are charged enough that you can’t think of anything to say that will support connection your first step is self-empathy. By offering yourself this gift you will find that your heart softens and then yearns to hear what is going on for the other person because connection has been restored inside you. Self-empathy is a gift to both parties.

1. Acknowledge that you are upset and name what you are feeling and needing:

Start by saying something like:

“Oh, something in me is really upset by this situation. It’s feeling and needing…”

This kind of statement gives you some space around the feelings. There are the feelings and needs and then there is you who can offer self-empathy.

You may find yourself using words which imply someone has done something “to” you. This can lead to blaming or a belief they are doing something wrong – then acknowledge this also. Look for the feeling and need underneath.

For example if you hear yourself saying you feel cheated – are the feelings underneath resentful, hurt or angry and are you needing honesty, fairness, justice, trust or reliability? If you hear yourself saying you feel taken for granted are you really feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed and needing appreciation, acknowledgment and recognition?

Still feeling disconnected from yourself? Then…

2. Take the other person out of your sentence about this situation to come back to yourself.

“He doesn’t care about me”…try taking the word him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value consideration’.

“She is so controlling”…take her out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value autonomy’.

“He is so vague”…take him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value clarity’.

3.Notice what you do enjoy:

Consider identifying one most present need that you have in the situation, and say this to yourself (inside your head; do not say this out loud!),

“I love it when (insert need).”

For example, say you’d like to be heard. In this case, the statement you say inside your head would be,

“I love it when I’m heard.”

It’s amazing how simply connecting to what we want (rather than judging the other or ourselves, or focusing on the needs that aren’t met for us), can help clear the path for greater connection with ourselves and others.

Talking about conversations ~ here is a great contribution from Ian Peatey at Quantum Learning.

Read on:

Do you hate it when people interrupt you? You know those situations – when you’re half way through expressing your thought and someone butts in and starts jabbering themselves?

I confess I do it, myself. Yes, it’s true. I am an interrupter!

Why do people interrupt

I’ve been thinking about this for some time and there are several possible reasons, why I interrupt:

• I want to annoy you and guess this will do the trick
• I know what you’re going to say and I’ll express it better than you possibly could
• I disagree with you and can’t wait to find out what it is I’m actually disagreeing with before telling you
• I’m so excited about my idea and I don’t have the patience to wait for you to finish
• I’m not listening to you and don’t even realise you’re talking.

Some of these are not reasons I’m happy with and I’ve worked pretty hard on developing more patience, greater attention to others and generally growing up to avoid those. From time to time I forget and still do it, but it gets better.

Interrupting is not always ‘bad’

In many cultures it’s considered a ‘bad’ thing to interrupt. Most of the time I agree, because if I’m interrupting then I’m not listening.  I consider listening to be the core skill in communication (maybe even more important than expressing myself).

If I’m not listening to you then it is not necessarily about my lack of attention or skill! It could be that you’re  just not saying anything that touches or interests me in any way. Usually there’s no life in the conversation and I’m not feeling any connection between us.

A few years ago I would have politely allowed you to finish what you were saying, feigning interest, nodding my head and laughing in what I judged to be the right places. Sometimes I’d get caught out and laugh at what I thought was a joke, but was in fact a serious comment. I’d either try to escape at the earliest opportunity or to at least steer the conversation onto something more interesting.

Isn’t life too short to pretend to listen to someone for the sake of politeness (which after all is culturally specific)? Aren’t there better things we could both be doing instead of staying in a dead conversation? I’ve grown to believe that it’s ‘bad’ to allow someone to continue talking when there’s no life in the conversation.

Isn’t it better to find a way to interrupt with style and grace?

How to interrupt

Here’s my own guide to interrupting in a way that’s, at the very least not going to do any harm, and might even improve the conversation.

1   Why am I not listening?

I want to be clear what’s going on that’s making it hard for me to listen.

Is it about my stuff?

Perhaps my own thoughts have been triggered by something I heard and I want to share those. Or maybe I’m distracted, tired or impatient and would prefer to be somewhere else.

Or is it about what I’m hearing?

Perhaps I’m not clear what’s motivating the speaker to share. Maybe the story is longer than my interest level. Or it could be that I’m just struggling to connect with any life in what I’m hearing.

Ideally, I’ll be able to bring my attention back to you and not have to interrupt at all.

2   What’s my intention in interrupting?

It’s important to me that I can connect with my own positive intention in interrupting, otherwise I’m just going to come across as rude and selfish. Yes, I want to interrupt to look after my own needs, but I also want to pay attention to the speaker’s needs. After all, they are giving me a gift by trying to express something. I assume it’s important to them or they wouldn’t be making the attempt to communicate it.

At the very least I guess they want to be heard, and right now that’s not happening.

3   Get attention

This can be tricky, especially if the speaker is not very aware of their audience. I find the best approach is usually a straight forward:

“I’d like to interrupt you”

I might also do some kind of signal (stand up, put up my hand etc.).

4   Quickly explain what’s going on

Before the speaker can get upset, I explain in a couple of sentences what’s going on and why I’ve interrupted.

I find it important to stay with the interruption itself rather than pretend I haven’t done it. That’s what happens if I just launch into saying what I want to say. Each situation is different, so just as an example I might say something like:

“I’d really like to be giving you my full attention, and I guess you’d like that too. Right now I’m lost in the detail I’m hearing and I’ve stopped listening.”

5    What I want to happen now

The final thing I want to say is to make a clear request about what I want to happen now.

It could be something related to the topic, such as:

“Could you summarise in a couple of sentences the key points you wanted me to hear?”

Or it could be related to the interruption itself, such as:

“I’m concerned you might have heard some criticism. How is it for you that I’ve interrupted you?”

There are times we owe it to ourselves and those around us to interrupt. It is possible to do it with grace, and I found the times I’ve used this way have greatly improved the conversation.

I would much rather be interrupted than have you fake listening to me.

Post from: Quantum Learning

Thank you Ian!

F. Scott Fitzgerald said:

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

To which I’d add that the test of a first-rate capacity for empathy is the ability to hold two opposed positions in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to think for yourself. 

The Buddhists capture this approach when they say,

“Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.” 

Want more truth about your social situation?  Put yourself in other people’s shoes. But to do that, you have to get out of your own.  Our eyes are clouded by the longing to see ourselves in a favourable light. If you can’t afford, or refuse to relinquish your authority, self-conferred exemptions and specialness, it becomes next to impossible to get next to yourself, in other people’s shoes.  When you put yourself in another person’s shoes you risk seeing yourself as others would see you—not quite as special as you think. But the pay-offs are worth it.

Most of us think we’re already great listeners and fabulous empathizers, but thinking it doesn’t make it so.  So what does?  Here are three practices:

Uncloud your Mind:

This state is often called Presence. It is a quality of emptying out in order to fill up or one elegant way to describe it is:

“full heart ~ empty mind”

Active Listening:

You probably have heard of this technique. It’s about as powerful a skill as I’ve ever seen come out of psychology. And it’s very simple.  If you find yourself in a conflict or rift with someone, stop the decision-making for a moment and simply repeat in your own words, the other person’s argument as persuasively as possible. Then ask whether you heard it right. And then wait for an answer.

“Wait Nicole, before we go any further here I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Please tell me if I’ve got this right:  You think I’m being too nosey here, that it’s your decision to make and that though I have concerns, now that I’ve declared them, I should back off.  Is that what you’re saying?”

Here you are capturing their gist, showing you understand their meaning and hearing them how they would like to be heard.

Sense for and guess underlying needs:

Starting where we left off with Nicole we might then, after hearing from her that we have reflected back what she meant us to hear, sense for her needs.

“Wait Nicole, before we go any further here I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Please tell me if I’ve got this right:  You think I’m being too nosey here, that it’s your decision to make and that though I have concerns, now that I’ve declared them, I should back off.  I wonder if you are really needing some privacy and autonomy here?”

It’s happened to all of us. We start a conversation with someone and it unravels in front of us. We end up with misunderstandings, conflict or confusion. And, in reverse, sometimes all our mental energy and effort when we are listening to someone, is focused towards trying to figure out the purpose of the conversation they have started, not the message.

In order to help your conversation partner cooperate with you and reduce possible misunderstandings , your could try starting important conversations by inviting your listener to join you in the specific type of conversation you would like to have.

In other words, explain your conversational intention and then invite the consent of your intended listener.  When people agree to talk with us, and they know our intentions, then they can be more present in the conversation and more able to either meet our needs or explain why they can’t.

This is a 2-step process. First we offer an explanation of our intent and then we finish with an invitation to consent.

For example: We can start with the intention

Hi….I would like to …….

• share information
• give instructions
• make plans
• negotiate about
• explore possibilities
• make a request
• ask for support
• clarify
• tell you about my experiences/feelings
• hear what’s happening for you
• entertain you with a story/joke
• coordinate/plan our ….
• express my affection for you
• check/clarify/confirm my understanding about…
• resolve…
• make an offer
• accept or decline an offer
• persuade or motivate you…
• make an apology
• offer an interpretation of/in regard to…
• offer an opinion on…
• change the subject
• have some time to…
• leave/end this conversation so that I can…

and then invite consent to participate:

• have you got time to talk?
• is that ok?
• can we talk about it?

Here are some examples:

Hi Roxanne, I need to get some specific information on the project I am working on. Have you got time to talk about it right now?

Hey, Maria, I’d love to tell you about something funny that happened on the weekend – are you curious to hear more?

Hey Hamid, I need to explain the next stage of this job. I think it will take about 10 minutes.  Is now a good time for you to hear it?

Hey sweetie, I have some appreciation I’d like to share with you around doing the gardening this weekend. Would you like to hear how I feel?