Authors: Chun Siong Soon, Marcel Brass, Hans-Jochen Heinze & John-Dylan Haynes
Unconscious determinants of free decisions in the human brain.
Nature Neuroscience April 13th, 2008.

Already several seconds before we consciously make a decision its outcome can be predicted from unconscious activity in the brain. This is shown in a study by scientists from the Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences in Leipzig, in collaboration with the Charite University Hospital and the Bernstein Center for Computational Neuroscience in Berlin. The researchers from the group of Professor John-Dylan Haynes used a brain scanner to investigate what happens in the human brain just before a decision is made. "Many processes in the brain occur automatically and without involvement of our consciousness. This prevents our mind from being overloaded by simple routine tasks. But when it comes to decisions we tend to assume they are made by our conscious mind. This is questioned by our current findings." (Nature Neuroscience, April 13th 2008)

In the study, participants could freely decide if they wanted to press a button with their left or right hand. They were free to make this decision whenever they wanted, but had to remember at which time they felt they had made up their mind. The aim of the experiment was to find out what happens in the brain in the period just before the person felt the decision was made. The researchers found that it was possible to predict from brain signals which option participants would take already seven seconds before they consciously made their decision. Normally researchers look at what happens when the decision is made, but not atwhat happens several seconds before. The fact that decisions can be predicted so long before they are made is a astonishing finding.

This unprecedented prediction of a free decision was made possible by sophisticated computer programs that were trained to recognize typical brain activity patterns preceding each of the two choices. Micropatterns of activity in the frontopolar cortex were predictive of the choices even before participants knew which option they were going to choose. The decision could not be predicted perfectly, but prediction was clearly above chance. This suggests that the decision is unconsciously prepared ahead of time but the final decision might still be reversible.

"Most researchers investigate what happens when people have to decide immediately, typically as a rapid response to an event in our environment. Here we were focusing on the more interesting decisions that are made in a more natural, self-paced manner", Haynes explains.

More than 20 years ago the American brain scientist Benjamin Libet found a brain signal, the so-called "readiness-potential" that occurred a fraction of a second before a conscious decision. Libet’s experiments were highly controversial and sparked a huge debate. Many scientists argued that if our decisions are prepared unconsciously by the brain, then our feeling of "free will" must be an illusion. In this view, it is the brain that makes the decision, not a person’s conscious mind. Libet’s experiments were particularly controversial because he found only a brief time delay between brain activity and the conscious decision.

In contrast, Haynes and colleagues now show that brain activity predicts even up to 7 seconds ahead of time how a person is going to decide. But they also warn that the study does not finally rule out free will: "Our study shows that decisions are unconsciously prepared much longer ahead than previously thought. But we do not know yet where the final decision is made. We need to investigate whether a decision prepared by these brain areas can still be reversed."

It seems we hardwire ourselves. We lay down neural pathways by the lifestyle, thinking and feeling patterns of our life. We literally embody our habits.

The Buddha pointed to this 1500 years ago with an infamous quote”

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.

Watch your words, for they become actions.

Watch your actions, for they become habits.

Watch your habits, for they become character.

Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

And its not just what we do, it seems, that is embodied – but also what we don’t do. Our broken promises create neural pathways too (and wreck havoc on relationships).

Even when we make a promise silently to ourselves and fail to keep it our subconscious remembers. It notices we fail to show up for ourselves and we feel this in our body; that heavy feeling in the belly, the twinge of our conscience, a tightening of our breathing. No amount of justifications and excuses remove this embodiment.

So are we condemned to feeling guilty, dragging around lots of old broken promises like a burden inside? I don’t believe so. In a short series of blogs I will explore what we can do to refresh our lives, honour our commitments while acknowledging human frailty and the struggle to live in the way we would like to live.

This series has been prompted by the article from the Sydney Morning Herald below:

Broken promises by Sam de Brito

April 23, 2010

Not to get too stuck on Norman Mailer, but in my Googling research for this post a few weeks back, I came across a quote from him about writing that I thought had resonance beyond just us weirdos who stick words together for a living.

In his book The Spooky Art: Thoughts on Writing, Mailer says that, if writers tell themselves they’re going to sit down and write but fail to do it, their unconscious stops trusting them and will no longer turn up.

“The rule in capsule: If you fail to show up in the morning after you vowed that you would be at your desk as you went to sleep last night, then you will walk around with ants in your brain.

“Rule of thumb: Restlessness of mind can be measured by the number of promises that remain unkept,” writes Mailer.

I reckon our brains work in a similar way with many of the promises we make to ourselves whether it’s about our fitness, our love life, career or family …

In my book Building a Better Bloke, I write that “if you want a magic bullet to being taken seriously as a man … it is to be true to your word”.

You’ve probably heard the saying “He’s a man of his word” and I would go as far as to invoke the hoary cliche that “a man is his word”.

If you say you’re going to do something and you do not, and you do this enough times, you cease to be someone whom people can depend on; you become a “maybe”, an “if”, and this is the opposite of what it means to be a man.

We are a verbal species; our entire world is created by and powered by words, yet so many people fail to see that a disconnect between what you say you are and how you act is the battleground of reality.

The promises we make to ourselves can be just as powerful.

If you walk around telling yourself you’re giving up drinking, smoking and the punt, yet the next day you’re drunk and puffing bungers at the TAB – it sends a message to others that your word means less to you than does that beer, ciggie and betting ticket.

It also sends a message to your unconscious that you can’t be trusted and it builds a dirty momentum whereby we expect to fail before we even attempt something.

You say: “Why bother? I’ve broken promises so many times before, why even kid myself I can get fit, or maintain a decent relationship or get this job done on time?”

Sound familiar?

I had that conversation with myself about 432,567 times when it came to smoking cigarettes as well as a couple of other habits I’m not going to discuss in a public forum.

I also know I’m happiest when I keep my promises to myself – when I look back at my day and I’ve run, written and been good to the people I love by doing the things I said I would (vacuuming).

When I don’t keep my promises to myself – especially with habits that are self-destructive – the guilt grinds around inside me like broken dinner plates.

So, if you’re feeling antsy some days, it might be worth remembering that quote from old legspread Mailer and check if you’ve kept your promises to yourself.

What promises do you break?

************************************************************

STOP! Now our culture would normally have us make a list and feel bad, really bad. This inventory is not about creating a weapon to beat yourself up with. It is about honestly looking at how our habits can actually become the next step towards a better life. So before you start…

Think of someone or something (music, art, nature, the sound of the ocean, surfing, running, yoga, your pet) that supports you, gives you strength and love. Take that feeling into your body. Stay with it for at least a minute – maybe two or three – allow it to settle there.

Invite a quality of care, or kindness, or love, or patience or gentleness to be present for this process – to hold and support you as you take your inventory. This quality of self-empathy is both the arms around you and the ground under your feet.

Now ask: what is in the way of me taking this inventory? Wait…now as each thought or feeling, image or body sense arise acknowledge it and then gently put it aside…it may need to go outside, it may need to sit on the other chair in the room, or it may need to go to the beach. Keep clearing a space until you feel nothing more is in the way of taking your inventory.

From this cleared space and with your self empathy nearby ask your question with a gentle curiosity. “Ahhh, so what promises do I break?” Remember to breathe. As you note each broken promise wait there a minute with it. Keep it company and become aware of how your body knows it. You might get a sensation, an image, a metaphor, a sound, a body posture or gesture, a phrase or an emotional quality that really “gets” it. Write down the promise and the felt sense of it that your body holds.

Ask what’s the worst of this? Wait – let your body respond not your habitual mind. You will know when your body responds by a sense of release (a breath, a sigh, a laugh or smile, tears or just a shift of awareness within). Ask what “it” needs – “it” being your felt sense. Write this down.

Notice how you feel inside after asking these questions. Take your time with this…sensing the complexity and richness of how your body is now compared to when you started. Now ask what is the best of this? Enjoy this moment – allow it to expand – give it time to be taken in and embodied.

You do not need to act on any of this in a hurry. Give yourself some time for your unconscious to point you towards a new way of living. Journal about what you are noticing now in your life. Pay attention to your dreams. Notice what other things you see around you that you weren’t seeing before. Each day invite a new step – of this whole list – what is the next right forward movement for me…thoughts, plans and ideas will immediately pop into our mind because it is trained to answer questions. Wait…drop into that whole space inside your body and listen for your body’s answer. Again, it may be a metaphor, a phrase, a movement or gesture, an image etc. Hold that a moment and sense “is this it?” and you will know because it is just right for you. It will feel right and whole and good and life serving. It won’t contain shoulds, musts or have-to’s.

Good luck.

Tidying up my bookshelves this morning, as one does when one has an assignment due, I stumbled across a book, Wise Women by Susan Cahill, which I flipped open randomly.

Natalia Ginzburg (1916-1991) wrote:

As far as the education of children is concerned I think they should be taught not the little virtues but the great ones.

Not thrift but generosity and an indifference to money; not caution but courage and a contempt for danger; not shrewdness but frankness and a love of truth; not act but love for one’s neighbour and self-denial; not a dire for success but a desire to be and to know.

The little virtues arise from our deepest instincts, from a defensive instinct; but in them reason speaks, holds forth, displays its arguments as the brilliant advocate of self-preservation.

The great virtues well up from an instinct in which reason does not speak, an instinct that seems to be difficult to name.

What are your great virtues? What wells up, with no need for reason or logic within you and within our community?

Which virtues appear for you in times of another’s great need when there is no time to think?

And when they well up what happens? How do they find expression in your life?

This is a post for me. I know I speak directly – often wishing I could be more “tactful” but not knowing how. I don’t want to water down my message and I don’t want the conversation to stop before it has even started. How do I share information that is going to be hard to hear? Where is the sweet spot between tactlessness and silence?

How do I tell a colleague at work that I am receiving feedback from other committee members that they speak over other people and “hog” the floor.

How do I tell a colleague they have bad breath?

How do I tell a staff member that their co-teachers say they are not pulling their weight on the program?

How do I tell a relative they are not being invited to a wedding?

Here’s how…

1. STATE your path.

Share your facts. Facts are the least controversial and they can be a point of agreement to start your conversations. Opinions tend to start conversations as a point of disagreement.

Tell your story. First check your facts again. Then check if you are going to tell a victim or villain or helpless story. Revisit your story. What is important for you? What values or needs are up here? For example, are you needing connection, autonomy, support, clarity, safety? As you share your story notice how the other person is responding. If they are withdrawing (looking away, looking down) or becoming defensive (folding arms, tapping, trying to interrupt) you may need to re-establish safety by contrasting.

Ask for others’ paths. How is this landing for them? Be curious about their story.

Talk tentatively. Try phrases like; I was wondering, perhaps, would you be willing, I’m starting to think, I’m starting to feel, I don’t think you are intending this but…,

Encourage testing. Invite other views – is there another way to see this that I haven’t suggested, how else could we think about this, what might be another reason?

2. DO NOT DRIVE UNTIL YOU ARE UNDER 0.05

Think of being triggered, angry, judgemental, suspicious as being over the limit. You are  now emotionally impaired – but only temporarily. Just as you wouldn’t take the risk of driving when you are over the legal alcohol limit and you would wait until you are sober – you can choose to wait until you are emotionally sober and your adrenaline is below 0.05 before you start your conversation.

3. FOCUS ON YOUR DESTINATION

Decide what you really want – not about the issue – but with the relationship. How do you want the relationship to be and then ask yourself ;

“How will I behave to get the relationship results I want?”

4. STAY FOCUSED ON  THE ROAD

Do not take side roads – such as other issues, other people, excuses etc. Keep your eye on the road and look out for road works which flag safety or respect are at risk. Slow down, manage safety and respect before continuing.

You can see Crucial Conversations on You Tube

So you think you feel the way you do because of what they did?

Think again.

Just after we observe an event and just before we feel whatever we feel there is an intermediate step. We tell ourselves a story. We:

• link this event to past experiences
• we decide on the other person’s motives
• we make a judgement (good, bad or neutral)

Take a tip from Shakespeare:

“Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Any number of facts can used to tell an infinite number of stories. I’ll bet you can remember a time when you had a story about what someone did, why they did only to find out late you had it completely wrong.

How can you get beyond stories?

1. Make observations: these are statements about what you have observed just as if you were a camera recording the scene. For more great ideas on observations go to:

Observations

Sources of Conflict: Who saw What?

Clear Observations can be life changing

Don’t presume ~ ask

2. Get in touch with your feelings – what emotions are encouraging you to act this way?

Just feel it from the inside

Transforming intense feelings

How I found out what I need to do to take care of myself & my relationships when triggered

acknowledge, accompany, accept

 

3. Watch for the 3 “clever stories” which get us off the hook and keep us from seeing our part in whatever is going on.

“It’s not my fault” – the victim story –the other person is always at fault, its an accident, you had good intentions and your motives are noble but…

“It’s all your fault” – the villain story – the other person has bad motives, the other person caused the problem, they have a problem with….

“There’s nothing I can do” – the helpless story – there are no healthy alternatives so we can justify our actions, we can’t change anything so that’s why we do what we do.

4. Retell the story by asking the following questions:

Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

What do I really want for me? For others? For the relationship?

what would I do now if I really wanted these results?

More ideas for getting beyond your story:

1. Tips for making disagreements useful
2. Byron Katie has some wonderful questions that can help break the tyranny of rules. Try asking yourself these questions when you suspect you are being ruled by rules:
• Is it true? What’s the reality of it (not how do you think it should be)? Whose business is it?
• How do you react when you think that thought?
• Can you think of a reason to drop that thought? Can you find stress-free reason to keep that thought?
• Who would you be without that thought?

So, you’ve started a conversation and it becomes apparent that there is NO MUTUAL PURPOSE. Oh no! Isn’t that one of the key criteria for having a successful Crucial Conversation. It sure is!

No amount of contrasting will work here.  What will?

Try CRIB!

Commit to seek mutual purpose

Recognise the Purpose behind the Strategy

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Brainstorm New Strategies

1. Committing to seek mutual purpose: here we need to take a leap of faith. We need to agree to agree. To do this we need to ask ourselves if we can leave silence or violence behind for long enough to try a new strategy. Starting with our Heart we commit to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share. Do to do this we need to open to the idea that there is another choice out there – not ours, not theirs. If you find that you are in a battle of wills it could be that it is because you, or they, feel unsafe.  Try this amazingly powerful but simple skill – simply say:

“It seems like we are both trying to force our view. I commit to staying in this discussion until we both have a solution both of us are happy with.”

2. Recognise the purpose behind the strategy: That is what need is being met by the strategy each person is choosing? If I want to go to a movie and my partner wants to stay at home it looks like we our choices are incompatible. When you notice this – step out of the content of the conversation and start talking about the needs or purpose behind your strategy. I might have a need for entertainment and rest. He might have a need for rest and ease. We could go out for dinner and then rent a DVD so that we have an early night and no-one has to rush home and cook dinner.

So you have been offered a promotion but it will require you working longer hours and sometimes travelling interstate. Your partner already feels that you do not spend enough time at home and the so do the kids. However, the promotion comes with a significant pay increase and a car which everyone agrees would be a good thing.  Your conversations goes something like:

You: Hey honey, I just offered that new job in Head Office. I’ll get a 20% pay rise and a car! Isn’t that great?

Them: Is that the job you have been talking about since the new department opened?

You: Sure is! And they want me to head up the new section.

Them: I can’t believe you are thinking about taking it. You know it will involve more hours – its not like the kids see you now during the week. And won’t it involve interstate travel too?

You: Ah – well, yes. It will.  But it is a great job and I have always wanted to work in that area.

Them: What about us? You won’t be around for us.

STOP HERE. STOP TALKING ABOUT CONTENT NOW AND START TALKING ABOUT NEEDS OR VALUES.

Ask: what needs are you wanting to meet by doing x,y,z? Or What is the purpose of doing x,y,z?

You: O.K. honey – I can hear you are concerned about my work-life balance and being here for the kids. Is that right?

Them: Yes. You will miss all the important moments. And I get really tired doing all the running around during the week and on the weekends. I need some ease, rest and support.

You: (Let them know you have heard and can empathise with how it is for them). Oh, are you concerned that I will miss the unrepeatable moments with the kids and may regret that later and you need some more support with the kids and some rest too.

Them: Its not just that you will regret it – they miss having you there. They want their Dad to see them doing what they do.

You: (Hear the correction – this just gives you more insight into the situation and is not a criticism of how you hear). Oh, I see, the kids miss me too. O.K. o there is being worried I will regret missing those important events, the kids miss me and then you need some support too.

Them: Yes, that’s it. And I miss you too – I really want to share these times with you. But I can hear how important this job is to you. What is it about it that makes you want to consider it?

You: Well…

3. Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you cannot find a mutual purpose then you need to make one up. Try moving to a higher order purpose or more encompassing goals. The conversation continues…

You: So you want me here more and I want the job. How are we going to manage it? I can’t take out the interstate travel and hours.

Them: O.K. well maybe we could talk about what are our big values nowadays.

You: Well, we’ve always agreed that time together and time with the kids is important. I agree with that.

Them: And we really value our relationship – time together.

You: I also remember us talking about giving the kids opportunities we never had – travel, hobbies and so on.

Them: True. The increase in pay will help with that. Rosie could take the art lessons she wants and Brian could go on the soccer trip to New Zealand with his club.

You: So we value opportunities and time together as a family mostly – yes?

Them: Yes.

Take a breather here. Take a moment to enjoy the connection and agreement. Celebrate that.

Then start the conversation from this place of shared meaning.

4. Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have built safety by re-establishing mutual purpose you can brainstorm new strategies. Agree to suspend judgement and brainstorm. Agree that just like in any brainstorm no idea is too crazy and it may or may not be taken up. Maybe it would be possible to…

get a cleaner or gardener to lighten the load at home and free up time

work from home two afternoons a week

have time at home straight after interstate travel

take your wife and kids on the travel that happens in the school holidays – they can sightsee during the day and you can spend evenings together.

…and so on…

Remember – you can use time-out to help you manage your feelings and thoughts in this process. If you do call a time out you need to let your partner know why and when you will  time back in. You can use your contrasting skill here.

O.K. honey. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed just now and I am not thinking straight. My desire to get the job is over-riding my ability to listen carefully to what you are saying. Can I take a 5 minute break to calm down. I don’t want you to think I am walking away from the conversation but I do need to get back into a better, more settled mental space.

So over the last 3 posts we have practised:

1. Identifying which condition is at risk –mutual purpose or mutual safety
2. Stepping Out to make it safe again by
• Apologising
• Contrasting
• CRIB-bing
3. Stepping back in with an intention to resolve.

All sounds very straightforward. Until your emotions run high or the outcome really matters to you, or this is just like when your mother, father, Grade 6 school teacher did….

Next we will hear about how to master our stories – and how to stay in dialogue when you are hurt, angry or scared.

Continuing my series on “Crucial Conversations”  this post will look at the ways the

authors  say about what it takes to restore safety.

Step out and create safety

The key is to step out of the content of the conversation.

Don’t stay stuck in what is being said. In order to restore safety in the conversation you may need to set aside the confronting issue.  But what should you do when you step out? Well, that depends on which condition of safety is at risk.

Conditions of Safety

1. Mutual Purpose = Trust in Your Intention

Often Crucial Conversations go awry, not because of content, but because others believe that the content indicates you have negative intentions towards them.  So, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that we are working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that we care about their goals,interests and values. And this goes both ways – they care about ours. So, Mutual Purpose is an entry condition for dialogue – finding a shared purpose or goal.  Signs that trust in your intentions are at risk include:

• defensiveness
• forcing opinions on others
• hidden agendas
• accusations
• circling back on the same topic

In order to help your conversation partner cooperate with you and reduce possible misunderstandings , you could also try starting important conversations by inviting your listener to join you in the specific type of conversation you would like to have.

This is a 2-step process. First we offer an explanation of our intent and then we finish with an invitation to consent.

For example: We can start with the intention

Hi….I would like to …….

• share information
• give instructions
• make plans
• negotiate about
• explore possibilities
• make a request
• ask for support
• clarify
• tell you about my experiences/feelings
• hear what’s happening for you
• entertain you with a story/joke
• coordinate/plan our ….
• express my affection for you
• check/clarify/confirm my understanding about…
• resolve…
• make an offer
• accept or decline an offer
• persuade or motivate you…
• make an apology
• offer an interpretation of/in regard to…
• offer an opinion on…
• change the subject
• have some time to…
• leave/end this conversation so that I can…

and then invite consent to participate:

• have you got time to talk?
• is that ok?
• can we talk about it?

Here are some examples:

Hi Roxanne, I need to get some specific information on the project I am working on. Have you got time to talk about it right now?

Hey, Maria, I’d love to tell you about something funny that happened on the weekend – are you curious to hear more?

Hey Hamid, I need to explain the next stage of this job. I think it will take about 10 minutes.  Is now a good time for you to hear it?

Hey sweetie, I have some appreciation I’d like to share with you around doing the gardening this weekend. Would you like to hear how I feel?

Let’s say you have a friend who fails to keep their commitments with more regularity than you enjoy. If you start your conversation with “You do ….” you might find your conversation starts to derail. Start with yourself. What do you want for you? What do you want for others? What do you want for the relationship? Instead of saying “I want to talk to you about how you are late whenever we arrange to meet.”  You could say,

“Hey Joanne  – I would like to share something that is going on for me at the moment seems to be affecting our relationship – is now a good time to talk?”

Then talk about “your business” that is what the experience is like for you – not what they are doing “to you”.  “

“I notice when you arrive after the time I thought we agreed upon to meet I get worried/frustrated/confused and then I don’t seem to enjoy our time together as much as I would like. I really value our time together and don’t want this is come between us.”

Then do a safety check or relationship check:

How is it for you to hear this? I just want to check if you feel safe/comfortable talking about this with me.

I’m wondering what landed for you hearing this?

I’m wondering if you have noticed something around all of this you’d like to share with me?

Your turn:

Recall a challenging conversation you had recently – was their a mutual purpose? Was it clear to both/all of you? How was the purpose articulated?

2. Mutual Respect = Trust in your Relationship

As soon as people perceive that others do not respect them the conversation is likely to come to a screeching halt. As, the authors say, respect is like air. If you take it away it is all people can think about. It is the case that we do not like all people. It is the case that cannot understand their values or lifestyles. It is the case that their personality traits or behaviours can trigger us. These are places where the other person or people differ from us. However, it is possible to respect their basic humanity. This is where we are all the same. We all want happiness, our basic needs met and even love. If you can find this commonality it is possible find respect for that.

Signs that respect is being lost include:

• body language – rolling eyes, tapping fingers, talking to someone else while you are talking
• anger, yelling
• pouting, name calling, labelling  “You are….”, “You always…”

Thinking back on the conversation you recalled above…investigate how you could find a place of mutual respect between you and the other person. Is it on the basis of shared interests– you both care about the environment? Or is it on shared values – you both value autonomy or you both value honesty?

In the next post we will look at what to do once you step out. We will explore 3 skills:

• apologise when appropriate
• contrast to fix misunderstanding
• CRIB to get to mutual purpose

I just have to share this from Holly Eckert. If you  like what you read then subscribe to her newsletter – it’s always full of wonderful anecdotes and NVC gems by going to http://hollyeckert.com/

“I don’t know why I couldn’t work it out with him” a friend said to me recently. “I just couldn’t find it in me to get the conversation started, it all feels so familiar and I can’t see what difference it would make. We’ve been over this so many times before and nothing really changes.”

Does this, or something like it, sound familiar to you? Or do you have your own stop sign when it comes to conflict. A thought or experience that seems to hold you back from moving forward and resolving the issue?

Some common stop signs are:

Unresolved issues from the past 

It is like we know this fight well. We can almost predict the lines and the outcome and we don’t want to go there again.

How can we change this? Just noticing our resistance or defensiveness is the first step. Say hello to it as it is. Then sense for what it is…

• Is it a lack of confidence in our ability to resolve the issue. We haven’t been able to do so before so why would we think we can this time?
• Is it that you are still holding some hurt or resentment from the past? Maybe you compromised on something important last time and you don’t want that to happen again? Or you didn’t feel heard and understood and all those feelings are still inside you relating to the last event?

What can we do with unresolved issues?

• We can explore our limiting beliefs – I’ll never be fully heard, accepted, loved if I dog for me needs. Is there a belief you are holding that shuts you off from other possibilities or the hope for change.
• We can let go of the past. We cannot change it now – all we can do is mourn what happened, acknowledge the needs that were not met and check in if the same needs still need to be met now. Is there something you value missing here in the current situation? Be present with this – here & now.

Be right or be heard?

Maybe you (or the other person) keeps repeating themselves. Or you are certain they are not really listening. Or you find no value in their suggestions. Or you only feel heard when they agree with what you are saying. Could it be that you (or they) want to be right at any cost?

You can help shift wanting to be right by:

• slowing the discussion down and making sure that each person reflects back what they are hearing before expressing their own views.
• finding out why the other person might not want to listen. They may need empathy first or they may need to feel safe or they may not realise that they do not need to agree with you when they reflect back.
• go back to checking what you both want from the discussion. What qualities do you want back in your lives when this is resolved.

“Nothing will work” … being cynical or resigned

It could be that hopelessness or despair has set in and you (or they) believe that there is no way you can come to an agreement. You notice resistance or defensiveness coming in or an unwillingness to try. Or maybe one of you keeps floating the worst possible scenario or keeps saying “yeah – but”.

When this happens the best thing you can do is remember:

“A cynical person is only a very passionate person who doesn’t want to be disappointed again.”

If this is the case you can:

• try and connect with their concern about being disappointed again.
• try and identify the core values they want to have addressed in this discussion and make sure they are on the table
• ask ‘what is preventing you from wanting to have this discussion with me?” and “is there a time when you might?” It may be that now is not the time.
• focus on what you are grateful for in the relationship and discuss starting with a smaller issue so that they can get a feel for the process and you both can experience a small success.

This post arriving in my inbox is soooo timely for me.

Just last week I tried to express to my husband my sadness and despair around the quality of our conversations. We had gone out for lunch and the people we were meeting were an hour late so we sat down to have a cup of tea while we waited. I noticed, for this hour, his attention was predominantly drawn to the screen showing music videos in the cafe. I started to feel resentful. My need for connection and fun were not being met by his attention being elsewhere. At first I self-empathised.

BUT then I noticed my thinking kicked in. Just staying with self-empathy was not enough to change the situation I was not enjoying. I told myself I still needed “him to want to want to communicate with me”.

“This happens a lot. I can’t remember a conversation for ages where he has been joyfully engaged.”

“Why do I have to put all the effort in to starting/keeping a conversation going?”

“The least he could do when we are together is “be here” and talk with me.”

Then came thoughts about

Well, I’ll sit here and wait and see how long he can “not talk to me”

As you can imagine the hour passed with me feeling increasingly resentful, despairing and with a growing sense of disconnection.

What I had not done was envision how I wanted this situation to be and taken control of it myself.

I hadn’t taken self-care to the next level which is actively taking responsibility for getting what I want. I could choose to change my experience in the moment. That is not to say I still couldn’t do with some empathy around all of the thoughts above – and I can take the next step in self-care and make a request for that with some of my empathy buddies (or journal it).

AND I can take care of the moment where I want a nice time with my husband by making it a nice time. Noticing where he is at (tired, distracted, uncertain?) and connecting there first. I could have changed the environment – invited him to come for a walk while we wait (reframe, create energy). Once I connected to my need to take care of myself, in addition to my need for connection and ease,  a number of strategies (more useful than the one I chose) may have arisen.

Please enjoy LaShelle’s posting. I have!