I recently experienced an insidious  form of self-doubt .

It seeped in through cracks of my sense of myself, my own inner truth, and eroded my self-trust and self confidence. And it starts with the question “What if…?”

I was trying to tell someone about how I felt about an event in our relationship and his response was "Well, if that is the story you want to tell yourself, then I can’t help it!" Then, slowly a part me, the part that knows all about cognitive behaviour therapy surfaced.  It tells me that my thoughts can generate feelings and all I have to do is change my thoughts ….. well you know the rest. Well, maybe you do and maybe you don’t.  The rest for me is that self-doubt starts to seep in. It erodes my sense of what is right or wrong for me. It starts to ask:

• What if you are being unreasonable?
• What if you are being overly emotional?
• What if you have a distorted sense of the events?

The list could go on…everyone will have their own self-eroding “What if” questions. Having hooked into the “that’s the story you want so you are responsible for creating your own misery” message I start to doubt myself. I start to doubt my feelings. But this is where I get waylaid. I should trust my feelings. They are pointing me to something very important. They are pointing me to what I value for myself (and others) in my life.

I can change the questions I ask myself:

• What really matters about this for me?
• What is it that I want to stand up for – for myself?
• How am I honouring what is important to me?

I need to stay with the hurt, fear and sadness and sense into what they are telling me. They are telling me what kind of relationship I want…one in which even feelings which are hard to fathom are still respected, one in which ‘care’ for the other person is not perceived as being at the expense of oneself. One in which my feelings are given space in the relationship even when the other person “doesn’t think they are reasonable or understandable”.

So, no I don’t need to own the story about what happened or didn’t happen. I do not need to get lost in debating the content. I need to own my feelings.  I need to look to my feelings because they are telling me what matters for me in this situation. I need to connect to my values. Am I respecting my values and holding myself to account? Or am I giving them away for momentary comfort; to avoid a fight or uncomfortable discussion, to help the other person feel alright, to not be seen as selfish, mean, judgmental, unloving or needy? I am giving away my values to avoid the emotional pain which surfaces when I hear those kinds of labels which dismiss me as a human being?

Then…later…when I have explored, honoured and respected my feelings and values… if I want to… I play around with the story I had about what happened. I can have the feelings which came first (and are therefore telling me what is most important for me) and  I can walk 360 degrees around the issue looking at it from all angles. I can then see how that changes how I feel now and what values come up by taking a broader view.

But not before I have established some stability from understanding and respecting my first set of feelings and needs.

In the past few weeks I have experienced some pretty challenging times emotionally and relationally. Two major rows with my husband sent me back to my journal to try and write my through the ins and outs of my experience. What is going on for me in all of this? So after quite a number of venting pages I became clearly aware of how a deep yearning of mine was impacting on my experience.

“I want to live in a congruent world where I can trust people will speak and act honestly. I want people to be congruent.”

I know – it sounds naive. I know it sounds childlike and inside me the yearning does have a childlike quality. This part of me doesn’t want to be cynical or jaded.

So, then I took my statement and started some “Work” on it.

Is it true that people and the world are not congruent?And what follows is my journal entry…it is stream of consciousness so bear with the chaos…

YES! all the evidence points to people not being congruent.  What do I mean by being congruent? That people are real in that they are genuine, authentic; that their inner experience and outer expression match – and there is some honesty in this too.

AND NO! Hmmm…so actually, at some level, a more realistic level, the world and people are congruent in as much as they do do what they do. I may not like what they do, I may not be able to predict what they will do, I may not be able to mitigate the impact of their words/actions…

How do I react when I think this thought?  I cannot be sure that what someone says is what they think and I feel both sad and frustrated and helpless that the world isn’t congruent. As I write this I can feel my need for safety coming up. Clarity and predictability too that is more about being able to “read” the situation than knowing what will happen ahead of time. The child in me is letting me know that being able to “read” the situation makes the world feel more safe for me. I can make sense of it. It makes the difference between safety and unsafety, fear and terror, control and helplessness. I need congruence to be able to protect myself. I also need it to prevent embarrassment, humiliation or being shamed (from getting my reading wrong, saying or doing the wrong thing, making a mistake, being insensitive etc).

So…hmm…I can’t (couldn’t in the past) walk into a room or situation and just be myself because first I have to work out how it is in there…how are people feeling, what are they needing, what is going on, what’s the general atmosphere. Then, I needed not show this anxiety, nervousness or fear because that is not acceptable and will be met with negative responses. So on goes (went) a mask of confidence, competence – my persona.  I have become somewhat hyper vigilant, other-focused and incongruent. My outer expression is not the same as my inner experience.

Well, no wonder I don’t like it in other people. I have pushed my real, vulnerable self into the shadowland. I, without self-awareness, was not being congruent myself. This is my turnaround. I want to be more congruent with myself. I want to be more congruent in the world.

Ohh…I can feel a welling of compassion for all the confusion, the mixed messages, the loss of a sense of safety in the world. I can feel it for the childlike part of me and for me now, in the here and now. A big breath comes into my body and some kind of holding on is released. My body relaxes just a little. And sadness comes too…for being in the world in this way and all the lost opportunities for connection and realness. Niceness, not being selfish, being other-focused has it’s price. I disconnected with my real self which is sensitive, vulnerable, often unsure and a bit confused, needing support or understanding. And in doing so I became uncomfortable and judgemental about those qualities in others.

I can feel my heart.

So you think you feel the way you do because of what they did?

Think again.

Just after we observe an event and just before we feel whatever we feel there is an intermediate step. We tell ourselves a story. We:

• link this event to past experiences
• we decide on the other person’s motives
• we make a judgement (good, bad or neutral)

Take a tip from Shakespeare:

“Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Any number of facts can used to tell an infinite number of stories. I’ll bet you can remember a time when you had a story about what someone did, why they did only to find out late you had it completely wrong.

How can you get beyond stories?

1. Make observations: these are statements about what you have observed just as if you were a camera recording the scene. For more great ideas on observations go to:

Observations

Sources of Conflict: Who saw What?

Clear Observations can be life changing

Don’t presume ~ ask

2. Get in touch with your feelings – what emotions are encouraging you to act this way?

Just feel it from the inside

Transforming intense feelings

How I found out what I need to do to take care of myself & my relationships when triggered

acknowledge, accompany, accept

 

3. Watch for the 3 “clever stories” which get us off the hook and keep us from seeing our part in whatever is going on.

“It’s not my fault” – the victim story –the other person is always at fault, its an accident, you had good intentions and your motives are noble but…

“It’s all your fault” – the villain story – the other person has bad motives, the other person caused the problem, they have a problem with….

“There’s nothing I can do” – the helpless story – there are no healthy alternatives so we can justify our actions, we can’t change anything so that’s why we do what we do.

4. Retell the story by asking the following questions:

Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

What do I really want for me? For others? For the relationship?

what would I do now if I really wanted these results?

More ideas for getting beyond your story:

1. Tips for making disagreements useful
2. Byron Katie has some wonderful questions that can help break the tyranny of rules. Try asking yourself these questions when you suspect you are being ruled by rules:
• Is it true? What’s the reality of it (not how do you think it should be)? Whose business is it?
• How do you react when you think that thought?
• Can you think of a reason to drop that thought? Can you find stress-free reason to keep that thought?
• Who would you be without that thought?

So, you’ve started a conversation and it becomes apparent that there is NO MUTUAL PURPOSE. Oh no! Isn’t that one of the key criteria for having a successful Crucial Conversation. It sure is!

No amount of contrasting will work here.  What will?

Try CRIB!

Commit to seek mutual purpose

Recognise the Purpose behind the Strategy

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Brainstorm New Strategies

1. Committing to seek mutual purpose: here we need to take a leap of faith. We need to agree to agree. To do this we need to ask ourselves if we can leave silence or violence behind for long enough to try a new strategy. Starting with our Heart we commit to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share. Do to do this we need to open to the idea that there is another choice out there – not ours, not theirs. If you find that you are in a battle of wills it could be that it is because you, or they, feel unsafe.  Try this amazingly powerful but simple skill – simply say:

“It seems like we are both trying to force our view. I commit to staying in this discussion until we both have a solution both of us are happy with.”

2. Recognise the purpose behind the strategy: That is what need is being met by the strategy each person is choosing? If I want to go to a movie and my partner wants to stay at home it looks like we our choices are incompatible. When you notice this – step out of the content of the conversation and start talking about the needs or purpose behind your strategy. I might have a need for entertainment and rest. He might have a need for rest and ease. We could go out for dinner and then rent a DVD so that we have an early night and no-one has to rush home and cook dinner.

So you have been offered a promotion but it will require you working longer hours and sometimes travelling interstate. Your partner already feels that you do not spend enough time at home and the so do the kids. However, the promotion comes with a significant pay increase and a car which everyone agrees would be a good thing.  Your conversations goes something like:

You: Hey honey, I just offered that new job in Head Office. I’ll get a 20% pay rise and a car! Isn’t that great?

Them: Is that the job you have been talking about since the new department opened?

You: Sure is! And they want me to head up the new section.

Them: I can’t believe you are thinking about taking it. You know it will involve more hours – its not like the kids see you now during the week. And won’t it involve interstate travel too?

You: Ah – well, yes. It will.  But it is a great job and I have always wanted to work in that area.

Them: What about us? You won’t be around for us.

STOP HERE. STOP TALKING ABOUT CONTENT NOW AND START TALKING ABOUT NEEDS OR VALUES.

Ask: what needs are you wanting to meet by doing x,y,z? Or What is the purpose of doing x,y,z?

You: O.K. honey – I can hear you are concerned about my work-life balance and being here for the kids. Is that right?

Them: Yes. You will miss all the important moments. And I get really tired doing all the running around during the week and on the weekends. I need some ease, rest and support.

You: (Let them know you have heard and can empathise with how it is for them). Oh, are you concerned that I will miss the unrepeatable moments with the kids and may regret that later and you need some more support with the kids and some rest too.

Them: Its not just that you will regret it – they miss having you there. They want their Dad to see them doing what they do.

You: (Hear the correction – this just gives you more insight into the situation and is not a criticism of how you hear). Oh, I see, the kids miss me too. O.K. o there is being worried I will regret missing those important events, the kids miss me and then you need some support too.

Them: Yes, that’s it. And I miss you too – I really want to share these times with you. But I can hear how important this job is to you. What is it about it that makes you want to consider it?

You: Well…

3. Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you cannot find a mutual purpose then you need to make one up. Try moving to a higher order purpose or more encompassing goals. The conversation continues…

You: So you want me here more and I want the job. How are we going to manage it? I can’t take out the interstate travel and hours.

Them: O.K. well maybe we could talk about what are our big values nowadays.

You: Well, we’ve always agreed that time together and time with the kids is important. I agree with that.

Them: And we really value our relationship – time together.

You: I also remember us talking about giving the kids opportunities we never had – travel, hobbies and so on.

Them: True. The increase in pay will help with that. Rosie could take the art lessons she wants and Brian could go on the soccer trip to New Zealand with his club.

You: So we value opportunities and time together as a family mostly – yes?

Them: Yes.

Take a breather here. Take a moment to enjoy the connection and agreement. Celebrate that.

Then start the conversation from this place of shared meaning.

4. Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have built safety by re-establishing mutual purpose you can brainstorm new strategies. Agree to suspend judgement and brainstorm. Agree that just like in any brainstorm no idea is too crazy and it may or may not be taken up. Maybe it would be possible to…

get a cleaner or gardener to lighten the load at home and free up time

work from home two afternoons a week

have time at home straight after interstate travel

take your wife and kids on the travel that happens in the school holidays – they can sightsee during the day and you can spend evenings together.

…and so on…

Remember – you can use time-out to help you manage your feelings and thoughts in this process. If you do call a time out you need to let your partner know why and when you will  time back in. You can use your contrasting skill here.

O.K. honey. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed just now and I am not thinking straight. My desire to get the job is over-riding my ability to listen carefully to what you are saying. Can I take a 5 minute break to calm down. I don’t want you to think I am walking away from the conversation but I do need to get back into a better, more settled mental space.

So over the last 3 posts we have practised:

1. Identifying which condition is at risk –mutual purpose or mutual safety
2. Stepping Out to make it safe again by
• Apologising
• Contrasting
• CRIB-bing
3. Stepping back in with an intention to resolve.

All sounds very straightforward. Until your emotions run high or the outcome really matters to you, or this is just like when your mother, father, Grade 6 school teacher did….

Next we will hear about how to master our stories – and how to stay in dialogue when you are hurt, angry or scared.

Say you’re having a conversation with someone and you’re feeling triggered. If your emotions are charged enough that you can’t think of anything to say that will support connection your first step is self-empathy. By offering yourself this gift you will find that your heart softens and then yearns to hear what is going on for the other person because connection has been restored inside you. Self-empathy is a gift to both parties.

1. Acknowledge that you are upset and name what you are feeling and needing:

Start by saying something like:

“Oh, something in me is really upset by this situation. It’s feeling and needing…”

This kind of statement gives you some space around the feelings. There are the feelings and needs and then there is you who can offer self-empathy.

You may find yourself using words which imply someone has done something “to” you. This can lead to blaming or a belief they are doing something wrong – then acknowledge this also. Look for the feeling and need underneath.

For example if you hear yourself saying you feel cheated – are the feelings underneath resentful, hurt or angry and are you needing honesty, fairness, justice, trust or reliability? If you hear yourself saying you feel taken for granted are you really feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed and needing appreciation, acknowledgment and recognition?

Still feeling disconnected from yourself? Then…

2. Take the other person out of your sentence about this situation to come back to yourself.

“He doesn’t care about me”…try taking the word him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value consideration’.

“She is so controlling”…take her out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value autonomy’.

“He is so vague”…take him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value clarity’.

3.Notice what you do enjoy:

Consider identifying one most present need that you have in the situation, and say this to yourself (inside your head; do not say this out loud!),

“I love it when (insert need).”

For example, say you’d like to be heard. In this case, the statement you say inside your head would be,

“I love it when I’m heard.”

It’s amazing how simply connecting to what we want (rather than judging the other or ourselves, or focusing on the needs that aren’t met for us), can help clear the path for greater connection with ourselves and others.

These are qualities of practice that I alluded to in my last blog. Most spiritual or personal development practices imply “improvement” or at least some kind of movement towards something.

I know that I have swung from trying to “repress” or “avoid” particular negative emotions or actions I have labelled as harmful to myself and others, or problematic at the very least, to indulging in the emotions or actions.

When I repress I tell myself a particular kind of story – how “bad” or “weak” I am, how lost I am or how I just can’t get my act together. I wallow in a critic-fest.

When I indulge I tell myself a different kind of story. I make enemy images of the people I am affecting – how they deserve it, how they brought it upon themselves, how I am acting righteously or justly to bring them to some new awareness. I criticise them.

Both ways are just stories I make up to justify my responses.

Now, however,  I am trying a middle way, one that has 3 processes.

Acknowledging

Now, I try and notice when I am moving towards repression or indulgence. I say hello to this movement, holding myself with a kind of friendliness that one feels with an old, dear friend.

“Oh, hello my dear friend anger. I can sense you arising in my body – I can feel the tension and tightening across the front of my chest and the shortening of my breath. I acknowledge you there just as you are.”

Accompanying

When I say hello to whatever is arising – what comes is a relationship between me and it. For example a relationship between me and anger. I am not anger and it is not me but we are here, in this moment, together. I can sense how it moves through me. I can accompany its arising, its response to my acknowledgement and I, now, can accompany it as it tells me what is up for it. I can listen to it and listen for its deeper needs or the values it thinks it will protect by doing what it is doing. I can accompany it a little way down the road.

Accepting

I can accept that this is how I feel just now and as I journey with it I can notice moment by moment shifts and changes. Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing – it just means –yep, this is how it seems for me just now in this moment. I can accept that I might be experiencing suffering or discomfort. I can accept that it feels strong or overwhelming.

It may seem like accepting will be buying into the story (whichever one is being told) – yet that has not been my experience. I have found that once I accept whatever I am experiencing – no matter how subjective – a new possibility opens up for me. There comes a softening, a letting go, a relaxing of sorts.

And there, in that space I can invite something more.  I might invite some questions:

“Is this true, really true? Can I be absolutely sure that what I am telling myself  is true?”

“What needs or values are needing care in all of this?”

“Is there any other part of me that needs attention too? Is there something more that also needs to tell its story?”

“Is there something happening here that brings up old, unresolved material from my childhood? How can I best take care of myself if this is happening?”

“Can I get a felt sense of this – an image, a metaphor, a word that best captures all of it? Can I stay with this and explore my inner landscape and what it knows, in my body, about the best way forward?”

This process of acknowledging, accompanying and accepting is so helping me to connect more compassionately with myself. I am better able to stay with my present moment experiences and find such richness in them.  I sense they are the first step on a journey to a delightful self-acceptance.

If you are into NVC you may enjoy subscribing to Rick Goodfriend’s World Empathy day tips.

I love this video about accepting just how we are. I love the space it gives to what is coming up inside without trying to change it too quickly.

It gives us a chance to sense for what more is there under the first feeling that comes. For example, when I feel angry, a vulnerable scared part is usually there too, but at first it might not feel safe for that part to come out into my awareness.

In Focusing we first say hello and acknowledge what is present.

My tip  is– if accepting feels too hard – to start by:

• saying hello to what is present then
• bear witness to it – for example you might say- “I am bearing witness to feeling angry”.  Or “I am keeping my anger company”. After saying this a few times you may notice that you can sense a subtle distinction between you and the anger. You are not just your feelings and yet your feelings exist within you. You can get a little space there.
• Then, when a release comes you might go on to “accepting what is”.

This process transforms intense feelings and also gives our heart a little space to be with our suffering – neither denying nor suppressing the suffering nor “becoming the suffering”. If we can hold our own suffering compassionately it becomes more possible and even delightful to offer the same quality of holding, bearing witness and accepting the suffering of others.

Greetings World Empathy Day Celebrants:

Celebrate World Empathy Day on Wednesdays, a day of increased consciousness for  compassion, communication, understanding and forgiveness. Welcome to new participants.  Please forward
this tip to interested friends, family, and peers to help WEday expand.

WEday Tip # 101 - Transforming Intense Feelings Before Communicating Them !! !

One of the most difficult communication skills is expressing ourselves
honestly  and with compassion, especially if upset . Here is a tip to make that skill easier.

Yes, accept the moment for what it is. Before expressing to another
person, accept the situation or the emotions that are present .  This will help calm any nervousness, fear, anger … before communicating with another.

Example:
Someone has not emailed me back the information I requested. It has
been a week. My thinking is full of judgments. I want to call them and
express what is going on with me, the disappointment, the
consideration for my time, the ease of having this information …

Using this tip, I accept what is
I accept what is, the information isn’t here, yes, I accept that I am upset, I
acknowledge this feeling and say I accept  it , (4 times)

Already I am calming and become more present.  I am now ready to take action (compassionately). 

Try this tip in this way? Transform your emotions
Take some of your emotions and focus on  them, and say  to yourself   ” I accept this emotion  __________  as being present now. “  

Process one feeling at a time and say it 3 – 5 times slowly.      
Does the intensity diminish?

If you have time, let me know how this works for you.

May all your needs be met.

Rick Goodfriend
Founder – World Empathy day
805 898-9336
www.empathyday.com

I am facing a situation at work just now in which I feel powerless and, as a consequence, infuriated. Another staff member has taken a unilateral action which detrimentally affects my section, my team and my students and I seem to be receiving no support from management. From my colleagues the only advice I am getting is to let it go because this staff member will “just make your life miserable, one way or another.”

At the moment I have no way of rectifying the situation. To add to my misery, my internal critics are playing havoc with me.

You teach NVC so how about you give yourself some empathy?

Why don’t you practice what you preach?

Why are you reacting and feeling so strongly about this – so much for your meditation, mediation and nonviolent practices.

See, the moment your buttons are pushed you are back to how you have always been – angry and stressed!

Yes, I feel angry. Some of my fundamental values are not being met right now – safety, integrity, fairness, professionalism and service. I am telling myself I feel powerless because I have no independent recourse for rectifying this situation without it creating even more punitive responses. I don’t want to let it go because I tell myself that lets this person “get away with this behaviour”.

So, have I somehow let myself down as my critics are implying. It is true that I cannot get to a state of equanimity. It is true I do imagine all the ways I would “like to get even.” It is true I do not like her behaviours and resent the impact they have on me.

However, I have not sent a reply email to her email for 2 days now as I try and wait until this “rage” inside settles. I have just tried to manage what I can manage within my section with some semblance of dignity. I feel close to tears and notice I am really needing ease and support from my managers – and I feel despairing at getting it. So, the critics may notice that my thoughts and emotions are still in turmoil  – BUT – hear is the kicker – I am not acting on them. This is new. This is a step forward. I cannot turn them off and get back into a state of comfort and out of the pain – but maybe the lesson is to learn to just be with the pain. Ride it out without action? Could that be it?

Then, luckily for me, I received this posting in my inbox by Steve Stosny. He writes wonderful blogs on anger.  I have copied part of his latest blog below. Maybe we can all relate to it.

Ego and Mental Errors
The recycling of anger to protect the ego introduces a much more complicated instigating factor to go along with the perception of threat, namely a perception of ego vulnerability to loss of value (feeling devalued or disrespected). Brain-stem reflex is enough to perceive the threat of an attacking sabre tooth tiger. But it takes a complex network of mental processes to organize the sound of an assemblage of utterances into meaningful words and then construe them to be a verbal threat to the ego – "She said what?!"

When it comes to construing someone’s indirect behaviour (e.g., not putting down the toilet seat) as an ego threat, still more complicated mental processes come into play. These include a theory of mind, which allows us to guess at other people’s states of mind (infer their thoughts, emotions, and motivations), the assignment of symbolic meaning to the behaviour, and an attribution of mal intent. The more complicated the mental processes, the more room for error.

The Neurological Imperative: Conserve Energy
In its continuous effort to conserve metabolic resources, the brain makes shortcuts of everything it does repeatedly, including complex mental procedures, at the cost of even higher error rates. Through the inexorable process of habituation, a perception of ego vulnerability, repeated over time, consolidates into a presumption of vulnerability, which requires the continual protection of anger. Also by virtue of habituation, the repeated experience of anger in defence of the ego reinforces its sense of vulnerability. The more you experience anger, the more anger you need to experience.

Inflation
In addition to needing more and more protection from threat, the angry person attempts to reduce the fear and sense of inadequacy (shame) that go with a vulnerable ego, through a process of inflation. An inflated ego is one whose value depends on downward comparison to the value and rights of others – I’m not equal, I’m better! In addition to temporarily making the ego feel less vulnerable, inflation justifies the motivations of anger to prevail and dominate. It also creates a sense of entitlement – I deserve special regard, treatment, or resources – that is certain to cause negative reactions in others and require a response of still more defensive anger. As if that weren’t bad enough, inflation guarantees cognitive dissonance whenever reality smacks against the overestimation of intelligence, talents, looks, shoes, or socks – whatever is used to inflate the ego.

Is It Natural?
It’s an arguable point whether defence of ego, inflated or otherwise, is a natural function of anger, but defence of ego is certainly a perversion of natural function of anger when it leads us to devalue that which we most value, namely, life, loved ones, and fellow tribesmen. Hence the term, "natural anger," though more accurate than normative terms, also misleads more than it illuminates.

The "healthy" way to experience anger
Normative words neither describe the function of anger nor come anywhere close to what actually happens to us when we experience anger. Yet everyone wants to know about "healthy" anger.

I enjoy giving the following accurate description of what occurs when we’re angry to members of the press who naively ask about "healthy anger."

"I am angry (or resentful, impatient, irritable, shut down, cranky, etc.), which means that I am presently in an impaired mental state that reduces my ability to grasp ambiguity and see any nuance of a situation. The adrenalin rush I’m experiencing makes me amplify, magnify, and oversimplify that which has stimulated my anger, while it degrades my interpretation and judgment of environmental cues and renders me unable to see other people’s perspectives or to see them at all, apart from my emotional reaction to them. I am probably more self-righteous than right. I am doubtless engaged in a petty ego defence that will make it more likely that I will violate my deepest values than protect them and almost certainly make me act against my long-term best interests. I am less able to control my impulses and tolerate frustration. My fine motor skills are temporarily deteriorated. I should not try to drive, negotiate, analyze an issue, or do anything important, until I have regulated this temporary state that has prepared me to fight when I really need to solve a problem."

Of course, we are unlikely to experience anger in this truly healthy way, without a great deal of practice. The point here is that the use of normative terms to describe anger obscures and distorts what happens in the experience of anger and thereby compounds problem anger – a recurring form of the emotion that m
akes us act against our long term best interests. To the extent that words are used to justify behaviour that devalues, manipulates, or dominates others, they greatly exacerbate anger problems.

Don’t Justify, Improve
The real motive behind the use of normative terms to describe anger is to justify certain kinds of anger and condemn other kinds, as if you have a right to experience some forms of anger but not others. What are mere conceptual problems for therapists and authors who try to distinguish justified from unjustified anger turn into disaster for people who use the pseudo-distinction as a guide for ordinary living. Of course you have a right to be angry and to experience any kind of anger. (You have a right to shoot yourself in the foot, for that matter.) The more important question is this:

"Is my anger helping me be the person, parent, intimate partner, friend, or co-worker I most want to be?"

This question invokes your deepest values, which are the foundation of your ego, as well as its ultimate strength. If your behaviour remains consistent with your deepest values, your sense of internal value increases, reducing the need for ego inflation. With increased internal value, you become less dependent on getting value from others. With reduced dependency as others, you are able to see them as separate people, who, like you, are often blindly and sadly protecting their own inflated egos; in other words, you become more compassionate. You perceive less internal vulnerability and less external threat, which makes you less likely to stimulate reactive anger in others. In short, you make anger less necessary in your life. You begin to see anger as not at all a bad thing but an important signal to get back to your core value. 

More later…as it unfolds.

I cannot tell you how resistant I sometimes feel to responding empathically to others when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed and challenged. The irony is that I facilitate courses based on NVC and have this internal expectation that, if I am offering trainings, I “should be” a near-perfect role model. UGH! GRRR!

So, why is it I resist what I know works? Try as I might, my mind simply cannot answer this question. I either go to analysis and/or excuses and/or blame and shame. Either way I stay in the same place.

So, I turned to my tried and true way of getting in touch with my own body’s knowing about what’s going on in there – Focusing. Finding some time to myself I got out my journal and just started to sense inwardly for how my body held “all about resisting being empathic when I am in pain even though I know it works and makes me feel good”.

First comes a weight on my chest and a squeezing feeling – from all sides all around my rib cage. Then an image of string coming out from the centre of my chest and me being pulled forward by the string.  I can sense my heels digging in and me leaning back against the pull of the string. Pulling the string are my expectations, my “shoulds” and the perfect model of NVC. Ohh! There’s also a finger wagging, it is near my shoulder and it is saying, “You know the model in NVC, now do it!.”

I acknowledge the pulling and the finger-wagging critic. Just say hello to them. I sense the critic wants me to feel in integrity. Oh, I get that. It wants me to live what I know works and makes me feel good. And when I do that I do feel an inner sense of integrity. A big sigh comes….and the string drops. My feet balance evenly on the ground now.

My attention is drawn back up to my chest again. The pressure has released and now there is pain inside the chest. A kind of soft sadness there. I say hello to that. It lets me know it wants me to pay attention to it first when I am getting stressed, into an argument or disagreement or something happens that feels hurtful. It needs to be taken care of before I can take care of anything else. As I acknowledge that an image and sensation of an aircushion comes around the whole of my chest area and it has the quality of calmness.  It provides a safe space for my pain. This feels good. Inside I can see how this space has a few parts of me in there – all responding to the situation differently. I need to pay attention to each part when things are unravelling emotionally – not just the strongest feeling – but all the little feelings too.

I ask this place, this felt sense, what is an action step I can take to bring this wisdom and bodily-felt knowing into my outer world and I get an image of taking time – or space – to take care of me. This feels like a self-empowering and self-strengthening move. I need to take as much time as it takes to get centred, if the situation allows that possibility.

Then this sensation moves up into my throat and I hear words like:

“I notice I am feeling triggered/stressed/confused right now and need to take some time out to get a better sense of what is going on for me. When I have worked that out I will come back to this conversation and from that space I feel sure we’ll be better able to hear each other…”

and a briefer version comes

“For us to better hear each other I need to take a little time out to get some clarity and calm. Can I get back to you once I have done that?

also

I’m finding this situation difficult and I’d like to check  what’s going on for me before continuing. Can I get back to you when I am in a better space  to be able to hear what you need me to hear?”