In the past few weeks I have experienced some pretty challenging times emotionally and relationally. Two major rows with my husband sent me back to my journal to try and write my through the ins and outs of my experience. What is going on for me in all of this? So after quite a number of venting pages I became clearly aware of how a deep yearning of mine was impacting on my experience.

“I want to live in a congruent world where I can trust people will speak and act honestly. I want people to be congruent.”

I know – it sounds naive. I know it sounds childlike and inside me the yearning does have a childlike quality. This part of me doesn’t want to be cynical or jaded.

So, then I took my statement and started some “Work” on it.

Is it true that people and the world are not congruent?And what follows is my journal entry…it is stream of consciousness so bear with the chaos…

YES! all the evidence points to people not being congruent.  What do I mean by being congruent? That people are real in that they are genuine, authentic; that their inner experience and outer expression match – and there is some honesty in this too.

AND NO! Hmmm…so actually, at some level, a more realistic level, the world and people are congruent in as much as they do do what they do. I may not like what they do, I may not be able to predict what they will do, I may not be able to mitigate the impact of their words/actions…

How do I react when I think this thought?  I cannot be sure that what someone says is what they think and I feel both sad and frustrated and helpless that the world isn’t congruent. As I write this I can feel my need for safety coming up. Clarity and predictability too that is more about being able to “read” the situation than knowing what will happen ahead of time. The child in me is letting me know that being able to “read” the situation makes the world feel more safe for me. I can make sense of it. It makes the difference between safety and unsafety, fear and terror, control and helplessness. I need congruence to be able to protect myself. I also need it to prevent embarrassment, humiliation or being shamed (from getting my reading wrong, saying or doing the wrong thing, making a mistake, being insensitive etc).

So…hmm…I can’t (couldn’t in the past) walk into a room or situation and just be myself because first I have to work out how it is in there…how are people feeling, what are they needing, what is going on, what’s the general atmosphere. Then, I needed not show this anxiety, nervousness or fear because that is not acceptable and will be met with negative responses. So on goes (went) a mask of confidence, competence – my persona.  I have become somewhat hyper vigilant, other-focused and incongruent. My outer expression is not the same as my inner experience.

Well, no wonder I don’t like it in other people. I have pushed my real, vulnerable self into the shadowland. I, without self-awareness, was not being congruent myself. This is my turnaround. I want to be more congruent with myself. I want to be more congruent in the world.

Ohh…I can feel a welling of compassion for all the confusion, the mixed messages, the loss of a sense of safety in the world. I can feel it for the childlike part of me and for me now, in the here and now. A big breath comes into my body and some kind of holding on is released. My body relaxes just a little. And sadness comes too…for being in the world in this way and all the lost opportunities for connection and realness. Niceness, not being selfish, being other-focused has it’s price. I disconnected with my real self which is sensitive, vulnerable, often unsure and a bit confused, needing support or understanding. And in doing so I became uncomfortable and judgemental about those qualities in others.

I can feel my heart.

I’d like to share this  response that Ann Weiser Cornell wrote recently in her Weekly Tips and Support Newsletter.

“Focusing is a simple matter of holding a kind of open, non-judging attention to something which is directly experienced but not yet in words.” –from the introduction to The Focusing Student’s and Companion’s Manual by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin.

Something which is directly experienced but not yet in words? What is that?
Well, that’s what we call a “felt sense,” and it’s really the heart of the matter.

A “felt sense” is what a problem or a situation “feels like” when you pause and get a sense of the whole thing. It’s not your usual emotions or thoughts–which can get stuck and keep you going around in circles–but rather it’s fresh, immediate, and often contains new information or a new perspective.

People are not used to pausing and getting felt senses. If more people would do this, I believe the world would be quite different!
Focusing starts with that pause…

So, you’ve started a conversation and it becomes apparent that there is NO MUTUAL PURPOSE. Oh no! Isn’t that one of the key criteria for having a successful Crucial Conversation. It sure is!

No amount of contrasting will work here.  What will?

Try CRIB!

Commit to seek mutual purpose

Recognise the Purpose behind the Strategy

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Brainstorm New Strategies

1. Committing to seek mutual purpose: here we need to take a leap of faith. We need to agree to agree. To do this we need to ask ourselves if we can leave silence or violence behind for long enough to try a new strategy. Starting with our Heart we commit to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share. Do to do this we need to open to the idea that there is another choice out there – not ours, not theirs. If you find that you are in a battle of wills it could be that it is because you, or they, feel unsafe.  Try this amazingly powerful but simple skill – simply say:

“It seems like we are both trying to force our view. I commit to staying in this discussion until we both have a solution both of us are happy with.”

2. Recognise the purpose behind the strategy: That is what need is being met by the strategy each person is choosing? If I want to go to a movie and my partner wants to stay at home it looks like we our choices are incompatible. When you notice this – step out of the content of the conversation and start talking about the needs or purpose behind your strategy. I might have a need for entertainment and rest. He might have a need for rest and ease. We could go out for dinner and then rent a DVD so that we have an early night and no-one has to rush home and cook dinner.

So you have been offered a promotion but it will require you working longer hours and sometimes travelling interstate. Your partner already feels that you do not spend enough time at home and the so do the kids. However, the promotion comes with a significant pay increase and a car which everyone agrees would be a good thing.  Your conversations goes something like:

You: Hey honey, I just offered that new job in Head Office. I’ll get a 20% pay rise and a car! Isn’t that great?

Them: Is that the job you have been talking about since the new department opened?

You: Sure is! And they want me to head up the new section.

Them: I can’t believe you are thinking about taking it. You know it will involve more hours – its not like the kids see you now during the week. And won’t it involve interstate travel too?

You: Ah – well, yes. It will.  But it is a great job and I have always wanted to work in that area.

Them: What about us? You won’t be around for us.

STOP HERE. STOP TALKING ABOUT CONTENT NOW AND START TALKING ABOUT NEEDS OR VALUES.

Ask: what needs are you wanting to meet by doing x,y,z? Or What is the purpose of doing x,y,z?

You: O.K. honey – I can hear you are concerned about my work-life balance and being here for the kids. Is that right?

Them: Yes. You will miss all the important moments. And I get really tired doing all the running around during the week and on the weekends. I need some ease, rest and support.

You: (Let them know you have heard and can empathise with how it is for them). Oh, are you concerned that I will miss the unrepeatable moments with the kids and may regret that later and you need some more support with the kids and some rest too.

Them: Its not just that you will regret it – they miss having you there. They want their Dad to see them doing what they do.

You: (Hear the correction – this just gives you more insight into the situation and is not a criticism of how you hear). Oh, I see, the kids miss me too. O.K. o there is being worried I will regret missing those important events, the kids miss me and then you need some support too.

Them: Yes, that’s it. And I miss you too – I really want to share these times with you. But I can hear how important this job is to you. What is it about it that makes you want to consider it?

You: Well…

3. Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you cannot find a mutual purpose then you need to make one up. Try moving to a higher order purpose or more encompassing goals. The conversation continues…

You: So you want me here more and I want the job. How are we going to manage it? I can’t take out the interstate travel and hours.

Them: O.K. well maybe we could talk about what are our big values nowadays.

You: Well, we’ve always agreed that time together and time with the kids is important. I agree with that.

Them: And we really value our relationship – time together.

You: I also remember us talking about giving the kids opportunities we never had – travel, hobbies and so on.

Them: True. The increase in pay will help with that. Rosie could take the art lessons she wants and Brian could go on the soccer trip to New Zealand with his club.

You: So we value opportunities and time together as a family mostly – yes?

Them: Yes.

Take a breather here. Take a moment to enjoy the connection and agreement. Celebrate that.

Then start the conversation from this place of shared meaning.

4. Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have built safety by re-establishing mutual purpose you can brainstorm new strategies. Agree to suspend judgement and brainstorm. Agree that just like in any brainstorm no idea is too crazy and it may or may not be taken up. Maybe it would be possible to…

get a cleaner or gardener to lighten the load at home and free up time

work from home two afternoons a week

have time at home straight after interstate travel

take your wife and kids on the travel that happens in the school holidays – they can sightsee during the day and you can spend evenings together.

…and so on…

Remember – you can use time-out to help you manage your feelings and thoughts in this process. If you do call a time out you need to let your partner know why and when you will  time back in. You can use your contrasting skill here.

O.K. honey. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed just now and I am not thinking straight. My desire to get the job is over-riding my ability to listen carefully to what you are saying. Can I take a 5 minute break to calm down. I don’t want you to think I am walking away from the conversation but I do need to get back into a better, more settled mental space.

So over the last 3 posts we have practised:

1. Identifying which condition is at risk –mutual purpose or mutual safety
2. Stepping Out to make it safe again by
• Apologising
• Contrasting
• CRIB-bing
3. Stepping back in with an intention to resolve.

All sounds very straightforward. Until your emotions run high or the outcome really matters to you, or this is just like when your mother, father, Grade 6 school teacher did….

Next we will hear about how to master our stories – and how to stay in dialogue when you are hurt, angry or scared.

Excerpts taken and adapted from: Empathy: An Unappreciated Way of Being

by Carl R. Rogers. Ph.D

Being empathic means to sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as they sense it and to perceive the causes as they perceive them, but without ever losing the recognition that it is as if I were hurt or pleased and so forth. If this ‘as if’ quality is lost, then the state is one of identification.” (Rogers, 1959 pp. 210-211)

Being in empathy…

· means entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it.

· involves being sensitive, moment to moment, to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person, to the fear or rage or tenderness or confusion or whatever, that he/she is experiencing.

· means temporarily living in his/her life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments, sensing meanings of which he/she is scarcely aware, but not trying to uncover feelings of which the person is totally unaware, since this would be too threatening.

· includes communicating your sensings of his/her world as you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes at elements of which the individual is fearful.

· means frequently checking with him/her as to the accuracy of your sensings, and being guided by the responses you receive.

· means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another’s world without prejudice.

A man has been making vaguely negative statements about his father. His friend says, “It sounds as though you might be angry at your father”. He replies “No, I don’t think so.” “Possibly dissatisfied with him?” “Well, yes, perhaps,” (said rather doubtfully). “Maybe you’re disappointed in him”. Quickly the man responds, “That’s it! I am disappointed that he’s not a strong person. I think I’ve always been disappointed in him ever since I was a boy”.

Against what is the man checking these terms for their correctness? He is checking them against the ongoing “felt meaning or felt sense of the whole of this situation” within himself to see if they fit. In this case “angry” doesn’t match the felt meaning at all; “dissatisfied” comes closer but is not really correct: “disappointed” matches it exactly, and encourages a further flow of the experiencing.

Where can empathy take us?

(1) The non evaluative and accepting quality of the empathic climate enables us, as we have seen, to take a prizing, caring attitude toward ourselves and others.

(2) Being listened to by an understanding person makes it possible for us to listen more accurately to ourselves , with greater empathy toward our own bodily-felt experiencing, our own vaguely felt meanings which contain the “whole-ness” of any situation.

(3) Greater understanding of, and prizing of, ourselves opens us up to new facets of experience which become a part of a more accurately based self, we are now more congruent with our experiencing.

In the ordinary interactions of life – it is probable that congruence is the most important element. Such genuineness involves letting the other person know “where you are” emotionally. It may involve confrontation, and the personally owned and straightforward expression of both negative and positive feelings; it means being able to express honestly and listen empathically with curiosity and openness. Congruence is a basis for living together in a climate of realness.

Learning to assume positive intent has asked me to explore a pattern of assumptions that date right back into my childhood.

The assumed position I was raised with is that people generally act in their own self-interest and that is “bad” if it causes uncomfortable feelings in another person.

This family belief also leads to a “you” focus. You are the cause of my distress, annoyance, upset. You need to change what you are doing. Not only does it lead to disconnection with the other person (now seen as a problem) it leads to disempowerment and disconnection with myself.

So long as I believe another person is able to “control” how I feel with their words or actions then I feel vulnerable and unsafe. From this place I may choose flight, freeze or fight as my habitual response. How this looks in my life is withdrawal and denial, blocking and passive-aggressive or attacking, blaming and judging.

So, what if the belief I was raised with is partially right? People do act in their self interest. And what if I only need to shift the second half of my belief? If they are acting in their self-interest – that means they are meeting needs that matter to them –now I can get curious from an empowered and empathic place.

Ahhh….

Say you’re having a conversation with someone and you’re feeling triggered. If your emotions are charged enough that you can’t think of anything to say that will support connection your first step is self-empathy. By offering yourself this gift you will find that your heart softens and then yearns to hear what is going on for the other person because connection has been restored inside you. Self-empathy is a gift to both parties.

1. Acknowledge that you are upset and name what you are feeling and needing:

Start by saying something like:

“Oh, something in me is really upset by this situation. It’s feeling and needing…”

This kind of statement gives you some space around the feelings. There are the feelings and needs and then there is you who can offer self-empathy.

You may find yourself using words which imply someone has done something “to” you. This can lead to blaming or a belief they are doing something wrong – then acknowledge this also. Look for the feeling and need underneath.

For example if you hear yourself saying you feel cheated – are the feelings underneath resentful, hurt or angry and are you needing honesty, fairness, justice, trust or reliability? If you hear yourself saying you feel taken for granted are you really feeling sad, hurt, angry or disappointed and needing appreciation, acknowledgment and recognition?

Still feeling disconnected from yourself? Then…

2. Take the other person out of your sentence about this situation to come back to yourself.

“He doesn’t care about me”…try taking the word him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value consideration’.

“She is so controlling”…take her out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value autonomy’.

“He is so vague”…take him out of the sentence and translate into ‘I value clarity’.

3.Notice what you do enjoy:

Consider identifying one most present need that you have in the situation, and say this to yourself (inside your head; do not say this out loud!),

“I love it when (insert need).”

For example, say you’d like to be heard. In this case, the statement you say inside your head would be,

“I love it when I’m heard.”

It’s amazing how simply connecting to what we want (rather than judging the other or ourselves, or focusing on the needs that aren’t met for us), can help clear the path for greater connection with ourselves and others.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said:

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

To which I’d add that the test of a first-rate capacity for empathy is the ability to hold two opposed positions in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to think for yourself. 

The Buddhists capture this approach when they say,

“Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.” 

Want more truth about your social situation?  Put yourself in other people’s shoes. But to do that, you have to get out of your own.  Our eyes are clouded by the longing to see ourselves in a favourable light. If you can’t afford, or refuse to relinquish your authority, self-conferred exemptions and specialness, it becomes next to impossible to get next to yourself, in other people’s shoes.  When you put yourself in another person’s shoes you risk seeing yourself as others would see you—not quite as special as you think. But the pay-offs are worth it.

Most of us think we’re already great listeners and fabulous empathizers, but thinking it doesn’t make it so.  So what does?  Here are three practices:

Uncloud your Mind:

This state is often called Presence. It is a quality of emptying out in order to fill up or one elegant way to describe it is:

“full heart ~ empty mind”

Active Listening:

You probably have heard of this technique. It’s about as powerful a skill as I’ve ever seen come out of psychology. And it’s very simple.  If you find yourself in a conflict or rift with someone, stop the decision-making for a moment and simply repeat in your own words, the other person’s argument as persuasively as possible. Then ask whether you heard it right. And then wait for an answer.

“Wait Nicole, before we go any further here I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Please tell me if I’ve got this right:  You think I’m being too nosey here, that it’s your decision to make and that though I have concerns, now that I’ve declared them, I should back off.  Is that what you’re saying?”

Here you are capturing their gist, showing you understand their meaning and hearing them how they would like to be heard.

Sense for and guess underlying needs:

Starting where we left off with Nicole we might then, after hearing from her that we have reflected back what she meant us to hear, sense for her needs.

“Wait Nicole, before we go any further here I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Please tell me if I’ve got this right:  You think I’m being too nosey here, that it’s your decision to make and that though I have concerns, now that I’ve declared them, I should back off.  I wonder if you are really needing some privacy and autonomy here?”

I love this post by The Urban Monk. In particular I enjoyed his move towards self-compassion both in the present moment and with the part of us from our past that feels triggered by the present moment.

In Focusing we might turn towards ourselves, as a first step, and say hello to what is there holding the space with a quality of empathic curiosity.

In NVC we might sense for the unmet needs which are our values that are not being met in this situation.

I also relish that he has drawn my attention to how much of my present moment emotional experience is part of an ongoing stream from my past.

Mindful observation of the present experience can help me “not add more to my story” and saying hello and empathically connecting with the nature of my energy stream from the past can help me heal and move forward from a needs met energy.

Please enjoy and then go check out his blog. It’s worth subscribing to.

If you are into NVC you may enjoy subscribing to Rick Goodfriend’s World Empathy day tips.

I love this video about accepting just how we are. I love the space it gives to what is coming up inside without trying to change it too quickly.

It gives us a chance to sense for what more is there under the first feeling that comes. For example, when I feel angry, a vulnerable scared part is usually there too, but at first it might not feel safe for that part to come out into my awareness.

In Focusing we first say hello and acknowledge what is present.

My tip  is– if accepting feels too hard – to start by:

• saying hello to what is present then
• bear witness to it – for example you might say- “I am bearing witness to feeling angry”.  Or “I am keeping my anger company”. After saying this a few times you may notice that you can sense a subtle distinction between you and the anger. You are not just your feelings and yet your feelings exist within you. You can get a little space there.
• Then, when a release comes you might go on to “accepting what is”.

This process transforms intense feelings and also gives our heart a little space to be with our suffering – neither denying nor suppressing the suffering nor “becoming the suffering”. If we can hold our own suffering compassionately it becomes more possible and even delightful to offer the same quality of holding, bearing witness and accepting the suffering of others.

Greetings World Empathy Day Celebrants:

Celebrate World Empathy Day on Wednesdays, a day of increased consciousness for  compassion, communication, understanding and forgiveness. Welcome to new participants.  Please forward
this tip to interested friends, family, and peers to help WEday expand.

WEday Tip # 101 - Transforming Intense Feelings Before Communicating Them !! !

One of the most difficult communication skills is expressing ourselves
honestly  and with compassion, especially if upset . Here is a tip to make that skill easier.

Yes, accept the moment for what it is. Before expressing to another
person, accept the situation or the emotions that are present .  This will help calm any nervousness, fear, anger … before communicating with another.

Example:
Someone has not emailed me back the information I requested. It has
been a week. My thinking is full of judgments. I want to call them and
express what is going on with me, the disappointment, the
consideration for my time, the ease of having this information …

Using this tip, I accept what is
I accept what is, the information isn’t here, yes, I accept that I am upset, I
acknowledge this feeling and say I accept  it , (4 times)

Already I am calming and become more present.  I am now ready to take action (compassionately). 

Try this tip in this way? Transform your emotions
Take some of your emotions and focus on  them, and say  to yourself   ” I accept this emotion  __________  as being present now. “  

Process one feeling at a time and say it 3 – 5 times slowly.      
Does the intensity diminish?

If you have time, let me know how this works for you.

May all your needs be met.

Rick Goodfriend
Founder – World Empathy day
805 898-9336
www.empathyday.com