Benign intentions don’t cancel bad impact

This post from Conflict Zen really spoke to me …. it feels familiar from both sides of the impact.

I confess there have been times when I have ducked in behind my “intentions” before fully acknowledging the impact of something I have done or said. I have done this out of embarrassment or shame. I have done this because hearing about the impact challenges how I think about myself (my self-identity). I like to think of myself as considerate, caring, thoughtful and so on. But the reality is that I have, and express, those qualities sometimes, and sometimes I do not. By quickly expressing my intentions I seek to bring myself back closer to who I like to think I am – and in doing so I take myself away from the present moment between myself and the other person. And my guess is that they feel this. My guess is that they feel the hiding, the withdrawal, the loss of relationality that includes them.

I have also experienced being at the impact end of someone else’s intentions. And I sure know how different it feels when the impact is acknowledged or not acknowledged. I know if the impact is not acknowledged I find it hard to believe in their “good” or “innocent” intentions. For me this is because I am not seeing/hearing/feeling any “good” intentions when their impact on me is left hanging between us or brushed aside or when they want me to hear how it is for them and this “being heard” is not reciprocated.

So…it seems to me that being more explicit about what is happening might be one way forward. Expressing how I am feeling and what I am needing from either side of the equation.

I am so sorry, I can hear you say that what I did impacted in this way and you are feeling … I can hear how you wish the situation had been different and this is what you want to happen now. Is that how it is? Is there anything else you want to let me know?

…now wait a moment before launching into the other side…allowing a “taking in” of what has been shared…

Can I share with you, now, what was going on for me when I said/did…? I was thinking…and feeling…. and my needs were to ….. so I chose the strategy…… Now, hearing the impact on you I feel….and the needs or values that are up for me are……… I wonder how it is for you to hear this?

Here is the post from Conflict Zen:

Organizational conflict: benign intentions don’t cancel bad impact

Posted: 29 Jun 2010 03:26 AM PDT

Benign intentions don’t cancel bad impact.

A few years ago, while cooking and lost in thought, I opened an upper cabinet door right into my husband’s head. He yelped as the corner of the door dug sharply into his skull.

The first words out of my mouth were, “Sorry about that, I didn’t do it intentionally!”

Rubbing his skull, he replied, “That sure makes my head hurt less.”

We inadvertently create three problems when we wrap assurances of our benign intentions into conflict conversations:

1. We imply that because our intention was benign, the other person should miraculously suffer less. But they don’t. The impact we had on them still stands until we address that. In organizational conflict situations, addressing the impact usually means figuring out how to prevent similar impact in the future. How are you encouraging your people to focus more on impact than intention?

2. We distract ourselves from the more valuable conversation. When we make the conversation about our intentions instead of the impact we too often end up in a conversation about fault and blame. When we make the conversation about impact we end up in a conversation that can turn conflict into opportunity for change. How are you leveraging conversations about unintended impact to strengthen organizational systems and processes?

3. We make the conversation about us and our goodness instead of about the problem. Ego-soothing yes, but when we inadvertently hurt or have other negative impact on someone, our best energy is spent on them, not us. They want us to know we understand the impact and when we’re only talking about ourselves, that’s difficult to show. Are you modeling compassion instead of self-protectionism for your team?