Crucial Conversations ~ Part 6 ~ Master Your Stories

So you think you feel the way you do because of what they did?

Think again.

Just after we observe an event and just before we feel whatever we feel there is an intermediate step. We tell ourselves a story. We:

• link this event to past experiences
• we decide on the other person’s motives
• we make a judgement (good, bad or neutral)

Take a tip from Shakespeare:

“Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Any number of facts can used to tell an infinite number of stories. I’ll bet you can remember a time when you had a story about what someone did, why they did only to find out late you had it completely wrong.

How can you get beyond stories?

1. Make observations: these are statements about what you have observed just as if you were a camera recording the scene. For more great ideas on observations go to:

Observations

Sources of Conflict: Who saw What?

Clear Observations can be life changing

Don’t presume ~ ask

2. Get in touch with your feelings – what emotions are encouraging you to act this way?

Just feel it from the inside

Transforming intense feelings

How I found out what I need to do to take care of myself & my relationships when triggered

acknowledge, accompany, accept

 

3. Watch for the 3 “clever stories” which get us off the hook and keep us from seeing our part in whatever is going on.

“It’s not my fault” – the victim story –the other person is always at fault, its an accident, you had good intentions and your motives are noble but…

“It’s all your fault” – the villain story – the other person has bad motives, the other person caused the problem, they have a problem with….

“There’s nothing I can do” – the helpless story – there are no healthy alternatives so we can justify our actions, we can’t change anything so that’s why we do what we do.

4. Retell the story by asking the following questions:

Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?

Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?

What do I really want for me? For others? For the relationship?

what would I do now if I really wanted these results?

More ideas for getting beyond your story:

1. Tips for making disagreements useful
2. Byron Katie has some wonderful questions that can help break the tyranny of rules. Try asking yourself these questions when you suspect you are being ruled by rules:
• Is it true? What’s the reality of it (not how do you think it should be)? Whose business is it?
• How do you react when you think that thought?
• Can you think of a reason to drop that thought? Can you find stress-free reason to keep that thought?
• Who would you be without that thought?