Crucial Conversations ~ Part 5: Getting to Mutual Purpose

So, you’ve started a conversation and it becomes apparent that there is NO MUTUAL PURPOSE. Oh no! Isn’t that one of the key criteria for having a successful Crucial Conversation. It sure is!

No amount of contrasting will work here.  What will?

Try CRIB!

Commit to seek mutual purpose

Recognise the Purpose behind the Strategy

Invent a Mutual Purpose

Brainstorm New Strategies

1. Committing to seek mutual purpose: here we need to take a leap of faith. We need to agree to agree. To do this we need to ask ourselves if we can leave silence or violence behind for long enough to try a new strategy. Starting with our Heart we commit to stay in the conversation until we come up with a solution that serves a purpose we both share. Do to do this we need to open to the idea that there is another choice out there – not ours, not theirs. If you find that you are in a battle of wills it could be that it is because you, or they, feel unsafe.  Try this amazingly powerful but simple skill – simply say:

“It seems like we are both trying to force our view. I commit to staying in this discussion until we both have a solution both of us are happy with.”

2. Recognise the purpose behind the strategy: That is what need is being met by the strategy each person is choosing? If I want to go to a movie and my partner wants to stay at home it looks like we our choices are incompatible. When you notice this – step out of the content of the conversation and start talking about the needs or purpose behind your strategy. I might have a need for entertainment and rest. He might have a need for rest and ease. We could go out for dinner and then rent a DVD so that we have an early night and no-one has to rush home and cook dinner.

So you have been offered a promotion but it will require you working longer hours and sometimes travelling interstate. Your partner already feels that you do not spend enough time at home and the so do the kids. However, the promotion comes with a significant pay increase and a car which everyone agrees would be a good thing.  Your conversations goes something like:

You: Hey honey, I just offered that new job in Head Office. I’ll get a 20% pay rise and a car! Isn’t that great?

Them: Is that the job you have been talking about since the new department opened?

You: Sure is! And they want me to head up the new section.

Them: I can’t believe you are thinking about taking it. You know it will involve more hours – its not like the kids see you now during the week. And won’t it involve interstate travel too?

You: Ah – well, yes. It will.  But it is a great job and I have always wanted to work in that area.

Them: What about us? You won’t be around for us.

STOP HERE. STOP TALKING ABOUT CONTENT NOW AND START TALKING ABOUT NEEDS OR VALUES.

Ask: what needs are you wanting to meet by doing x,y,z? Or What is the purpose of doing x,y,z?

You: O.K. honey – I can hear you are concerned about my work-life balance and being here for the kids. Is that right?

Them: Yes. You will miss all the important moments. And I get really tired doing all the running around during the week and on the weekends. I need some ease, rest and support.

You: (Let them know you have heard and can empathise with how it is for them). Oh, are you concerned that I will miss the unrepeatable moments with the kids and may regret that later and you need some more support with the kids and some rest too.

Them: Its not just that you will regret it – they miss having you there. They want their Dad to see them doing what they do.

You: (Hear the correction – this just gives you more insight into the situation and is not a criticism of how you hear). Oh, I see, the kids miss me too. O.K. o there is being worried I will regret missing those important events, the kids miss me and then you need some support too.

Them: Yes, that’s it. And I miss you too – I really want to share these times with you. But I can hear how important this job is to you. What is it about it that makes you want to consider it?

You: Well…

3. Invent a Mutual Purpose: If you cannot find a mutual purpose then you need to make one up. Try moving to a higher order purpose or more encompassing goals. The conversation continues…

You: So you want me here more and I want the job. How are we going to manage it? I can’t take out the interstate travel and hours.

Them: O.K. well maybe we could talk about what are our big values nowadays.

You: Well, we’ve always agreed that time together and time with the kids is important. I agree with that.

Them: And we really value our relationship – time together.

You: I also remember us talking about giving the kids opportunities we never had – travel, hobbies and so on.

Them: True. The increase in pay will help with that. Rosie could take the art lessons she wants and Brian could go on the soccer trip to New Zealand with his club.

You: So we value opportunities and time together as a family mostly – yes?

Them: Yes.

Take a breather here. Take a moment to enjoy the connection and agreement. Celebrate that.

Then start the conversation from this place of shared meaning.

4. Brainstorm New Strategies: Once you have built safety by re-establishing mutual purpose you can brainstorm new strategies. Agree to suspend judgement and brainstorm. Agree that just like in any brainstorm no idea is too crazy and it may or may not be taken up. Maybe it would be possible to…

get a cleaner or gardener to lighten the load at home and free up time

work from home two afternoons a week

have time at home straight after interstate travel

take your wife and kids on the travel that happens in the school holidays – they can sightsee during the day and you can spend evenings together.

…and so on…

Remember – you can use time-out to help you manage your feelings and thoughts in this process. If you do call a time out you need to let your partner know why and when you will  time back in. You can use your contrasting skill here.

O.K. honey. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed just now and I am not thinking straight. My desire to get the job is over-riding my ability to listen carefully to what you are saying. Can I take a 5 minute break to calm down. I don’t want you to think I am walking away from the conversation but I do need to get back into a better, more settled mental space.

So over the last 3 posts we have practised:

1. Identifying which condition is at risk –mutual purpose or mutual safety
2. Stepping Out to make it safe again by
• Apologising
• Contrasting
• CRIB-bing
3. Stepping back in with an intention to resolve.

All sounds very straightforward. Until your emotions run high or the outcome really matters to you, or this is just like when your mother, father, Grade 6 school teacher did….

Next we will hear about how to master our stories – and how to stay in dialogue when you are hurt, angry or scared.