Crucial Conversations Part 4 ~ The role of apologies & contrasting to keep the conversation going

So… how do we find Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect in situations which are highly charged, where a lot is at stake, when there is a history of mistrust or animosity and so on?

Kerry Patterson et. al. in their book Crucial Conversations offer 3 possible strategies:

1. Apologise when appropriate – when you make a mistake that hurts others start your conversation with an apology. An effective apology communicates regret and can reassure people that the transgression is understood and not likely to be repeated. So how do you build a good apology? Apologies involve three elements or the three R’s:

1.  
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     • Acknowledgment of a fault or an offense, and communicating regret for it , that is, getting it across to the other person. Expression is one sided—as though one were getting an apology off one’s chest.  Communication, however, occurs between people, and an apology needs to work well for the other person to be effective.  That protects you from sounding defensive, and your apology will be better received.
     • responsibility for the offense and
     • remedy – how things will change.

False apologies usually contain an excuse, denial of intent or blame. For example our friend who is often late  when meeting us may rush up exclaiming:

I’m sorry for being late. I just couldn’t get out the door on time – my mother rang and then I had to drop my daughter at a friend’s house (excuses).  I meant to be here on time (denial of intent). I don’t know why you take it so personally (blame) – you know I try and be here on time.

Using the 3 “R’s” our friend could apologise by saying”:

I’m sorry for being late. I can see how my being here 45 minutes after we agreed has affected you and I know this has become a pattern lately. I’m guessing you don’t know whether I will get here on time and when I am late it leaves you feeling frustrated and tense because you value consideration and keeping to agreements when possible. I simply didn’t organise my life in way that would ensure I would get here on time. From now on I will call if unexpected things come up for me that might make me late. Would that work for you?

2.  Contrast to fix misunderstanding – Contrasting is a don’t/do statement that addresses the others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part) and confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part). Contrasting can be used as First Aid – to repair a situation that hasn’t gone the way you intended. Contrasting is a way of ensuring what we said didn’t hurt more than it should have. It provides context and proportion.  Sometimes in the middle of a touchy conversation others hear what we are saying as bigger or worse than we intended.  In my last post we talked about our friend who arrives late more than we enjoy when we meet up. A consequence of this is we find ourselves getting frustrated and resentful and not having the relationship we would like with this person.  After opening the conversation with:

“I notice when you arrive after the time I thought we agreed upon to meet I get worried/frustrated/confused and then I don’t seem to enjoy our time together as much as I would like. I really value our time together and don’t want this is come between us.”

our friend might say:

You know I try hard to get here on time – I can’t help being late. Are you saying I do it on purpose? Why would I do that to a friend? Why can’t you just accept me as I am?

Using contrasting  you might then say:

I don’t want to suggest that you do this deliberately or that you don’t care about me. What I do want is for us to work out a way we can meet up so that neither of us left waiting for more than 10-15 minutes.

Contrasting can also be used for prevention. When we are aware that we are about to drop something into the pool of meaning that could create a splash of defensiveness, we can use Contrasting to bolster safety. Here are some examples:

I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate the time you have taken to keep the rental property accounts up to date. I do appreciate it and I know how much time and effort they take. I do, however, have some concerns about the funds calls coming after the account goes into overdraft. Is now a good time to talk about this?

I don’t want you to think that I don’t notice the amount of work you are putting into the new course. I do appreciate how you are making contacts in the community so our students can enjoy work experience. I am concerned, however, that the assessment tasks are not capturing all of the outcomes of the new subjects. Can we work out a way to update the tasks?

I don’t want to suggest that the jobs you have done this weekend are insignificant and not appreciated. I really enjoy the garden looking great and the back door sliding smoothly again. I am worried, however, about the sealant on the outside light at the backdoor. It is not sealed around the whole unit and will not be waterproof when it rains. Can we work out a way to get this sealed before the next rainstorm?