Crucial Conversations Part 3 ~ Make it safe to talk about almost anything

Continuing my series on “Crucial Conversations”  this post will look at the ways the

authors  say about what it takes to restore safety.

Step out and create safety

The key is to step out of the content of the conversation.

Don’t stay stuck in what is being said. In order to restore safety in the conversation you may need to set aside the confronting issue.  But what should you do when you step out? Well, that depends on which condition of safety is at risk.

Conditions of Safety

1. Mutual Purpose = Trust in Your Intention

Often Crucial Conversations go awry, not because of content, but because others believe that the content indicates you have negative intentions towards them.  So, the first condition of safety is Mutual Purpose. Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that we are working toward a common outcome in the conversation, that we care about their goals,interests and values. And this goes both ways – they care about ours. So, Mutual Purpose is an entry condition for dialogue – finding a shared purpose or goal.  Signs that trust in your intentions are at risk include:

• defensiveness
• forcing opinions on others
• hidden agendas
• accusations
• circling back on the same topic

In order to help your conversation partner cooperate with you and reduce possible misunderstandings , you could also try starting important conversations by inviting your listener to join you in the specific type of conversation you would like to have.

This is a 2-step process. First we offer an explanation of our intent and then we finish with an invitation to consent.

For example: We can start with the intention

Hi….I would like to …….

• share information
• give instructions
• make plans
• negotiate about
• explore possibilities
• make a request
• ask for support
• clarify
• tell you about my experiences/feelings
• hear what’s happening for you
• entertain you with a story/joke
• coordinate/plan our ….
• express my affection for you
• check/clarify/confirm my understanding about…
• resolve…
• make an offer
• accept or decline an offer
• persuade or motivate you…
• make an apology
• offer an interpretation of/in regard to…
• offer an opinion on…
• change the subject
• have some time to…
• leave/end this conversation so that I can…

and then invite consent to participate:

• have you got time to talk?
• is that ok?
• can we talk about it?

Here are some examples:

Hi Roxanne, I need to get some specific information on the project I am working on. Have you got time to talk about it right now?

Hey, Maria, I’d love to tell you about something funny that happened on the weekend – are you curious to hear more?

Hey Hamid, I need to explain the next stage of this job. I think it will take about 10 minutes.  Is now a good time for you to hear it?

Hey sweetie, I have some appreciation I’d like to share with you around doing the gardening this weekend. Would you like to hear how I feel?

Let’s say you have a friend who fails to keep their commitments with more regularity than you enjoy. If you start your conversation with “You do ….” you might find your conversation starts to derail. Start with yourself. What do you want for you? What do you want for others? What do you want for the relationship? Instead of saying “I want to talk to you about how you are late whenever we arrange to meet.”  You could say,

“Hey Joanne  – I would like to share something that is going on for me at the moment seems to be affecting our relationship – is now a good time to talk?”

Then talk about “your business” that is what the experience is like for you – not what they are doing “to you”.  “

“I notice when you arrive after the time I thought we agreed upon to meet I get worried/frustrated/confused and then I don’t seem to enjoy our time together as much as I would like. I really value our time together and don’t want this is come between us.”

Then do a safety check or relationship check:

How is it for you to hear this? I just want to check if you feel safe/comfortable talking about this with me.

I’m wondering what landed for you hearing this?

I’m wondering if you have noticed something around all of this you’d like to share with me?

Your turn:

Recall a challenging conversation you had recently – was their a mutual purpose? Was it clear to both/all of you? How was the purpose articulated?

2. Mutual Respect = Trust in your Relationship

As soon as people perceive that others do not respect them the conversation is likely to come to a screeching halt. As, the authors say, respect is like air. If you take it away it is all people can think about. It is the case that we do not like all people. It is the case that cannot understand their values or lifestyles. It is the case that their personality traits or behaviours can trigger us. These are places where the other person or people differ from us. However, it is possible to respect their basic humanity. This is where we are all the same. We all want happiness, our basic needs met and even love. If you can find this commonality it is possible find respect for that.

Signs that respect is being lost include:

• body language – rolling eyes, tapping fingers, talking to someone else while you are talking
• anger, yelling
• pouting, name calling, labelling  “You are….”, “You always…”

Thinking back on the conversation you recalled above…investigate how you could find a place of mutual respect between you and the other person. Is it on the basis of shared interests– you both care about the environment? Or is it on shared values – you both value autonomy or you both value honesty?

In the next post we will look at what to do once you step out. We will explore 3 skills:

• apologise when appropriate
• contrast to fix misunderstanding
• CRIB to get to mutual purpose