What’s the money argument really about…?

According to a study , 60 percent of people either overspend or have a spouse or partner who overspends during the holiday season. Yet 78 percent say it is difficult to discuss holiday spending with their spouse or partner. The majority either put it off for months or avoid bringing up their concerns altogether.

Or this may be an issue for you both throughout the year. One partner enjoys the immediacy of shopping, loves gadgets or the latest gear whether that is shoes, electronics, sporting equipment or even books.

And maybe the other partner would enjoy less spending and more saving, would enjoy less credit card debt?

To avoid going over budget this Xmas and next year, follow these six tips for discussing spending with your spouse:

Talk early. Don’t wait until your spouse springs for a Harley to talk about limits. Find a time to talk early about how you’ll deal with spending this Xmas and next year.

Solve the right problem. Many couples don’t reach resolution because they discuss the wrong problem. For example, if you discover your loved one has rented storage units in neighbouring suburbs stuffed with hidden binge purchases, or that they  have been using a second credit card that you didn’t know about, the issue now is trust, not spending.

Be willing to be changed by what you hear. Approach the conversation with an open mind. For example, it could be that the source of your conflict is not a real budget limitation, but that you don’t value holiday gift-giving to the same degree as your partner or that you grew up in a family that was more reserved about spending than your partner.

Communicate with love and respect and be willing to have a different perspective. At this stage go for the values not the strategy. The most important key to solving problems with loved ones is to ensure they know you are talking about the issue and not “them”. You can be firm with the issue and soft on the person. When they know you support and respect them, their defences drop and they begin to listen to how this issue impacts on you. Express the needs you have around finances. It may be for security (hence having savings) or freedom (hence putting money away for your retirement) or contribution (hence putting money into an education fund for the children) or self-discipline (hence having a budget).

• Establish what is spent and the pattern: take some time together to get to know the facts of the issue. Find agreement on expenditure and income and the relationship between them. Have a clear understanding of your actual financial position.
• Explore the needs or values that are met by spending such as variety, spontaneity, recognition (of effort, hard work etc), beauty, self-care, excitement and so on.

Brainstorm a range of strategies for meeting needs: Use these needs to explore a range of strategies that can meet them. Brainstorm with an open mind to get as many ideas on the table as possible. Allow time for each idea to form and sit there – think of it as if you are both acclimatising to these new possibilities and need time to get a feel for their fit. For example, excitement might be met by taking alternative ways of investing. Self-care might be met by having a long aromatherapy bath at the end of the week and your partner making dinner.

Make 2 agreements and hold each other accountable. Once you reach an agreement, find a way to routinely keep track of spending. Make a second agreement on how you will work together if the first agreement is not working. How will you explore the needs that are not being met by the first agreement. How often will you check the success of the first agreement. This agreement about the agreement eliminates the accusation (either within oneself or from the other) of “checking up on” but is part of your process of working together towards a workable solution.