Who do you give the hardest time?

I have been working on improving the quality of my communication for quite a few years now. Oh, it has been hard work – for me , that is. It has been a long road and I usually have to watch every step. I have a quick mind and have been known to have a sharp tongue. I say it straight and, even when I want to, find it hard to think of the soft way around saying what I need to say.  I have been empathically guessing how it might be for others. I have been trying to work out needs. I have been practicing listening instead of advice giving. All wonderful things. All working towards building relationship.

BUT…

This week I noticed I give myself a hard time.

Let me tell you how.

I have just come back from a 3 month sabbatical. Of this time away, I had 4 emotionally difficult days, 4 days where I was anxious, fearful , uncertain, and not enjoying myself. I had other days, of course, where expectations where unmet or I was just plain tired.

So, I am reflecting on my travels and I hear myself thinking,

“You should have been more adventurous”.

The reality is I hiked for 2 weeks in the Spanish Pyrenees with my sister and then we drove around Northern Spain and Portugal, I spent time with my husband’s family in the UK and then enjoyed a wonderful tour in Turkey after travelling from Prague to Istanbul via the Dalmatian Islands on  my own.

“Yeh, but….”

Now, this went on for a while. A whole load of criticisms and complaints streamed into my head.

It gets worse!

I then went on to how I was just settling back into my old routine now that I am back! All of 4 days for heaven’s sake. What had I really learnt after spending all that money and time? blah, blah, blah.

And then I woke up. I woke up to myself. I was fairly brutal, to be honest.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD. STOP IT!!! YOU ARE NOT SERVING ME WITH ALL THESE PERFECTIONIST, CRITICAL VOICES.

AND…

WHO ARE YOU???

Now I know enough psychology to be able to label these voices… but does that help? I really just want action. I just want to improve the quality of my thoughts and my self talk. I don’t want to know the “why and who” of these inner critical voices so much as finding and developing the “how to have voices of self care and support” in my head.

So, at this stage, I am “playing” at combining my Dharma, NVC and Focusing to notice and learn to enjoy how I communicate with myself. I reckon that once I have a fun, lighter, more supportive, understanding and empathic relationship with myself that quality will naturally flow outward into the world. It just stands to reason as a natural flow on…no effort, no concentration, just a way of being.

I don’t use the words fun and lighter lightly. Oh no! I don’t want another project. I want an energising experience. Oh yes!

So, here I go. day 1. Learning to say stop.

STOP RIGHT NOW.

When I say stop it means I have noticed a negative thought about myself. I have noticed a criticism. I may or may not go on to Focus on the intent behind the thought or listen to it empathically, sensing into its needs. But first I need to simply notice. And, then I need to feel good that I noticed. YEP! Not get sucked into the cycle of noticing a negative thought and then beating myself up for having it and then beating myself up for beating myself up. Have you been there? UGGH. Nasty little quagmire to get sucked into.

Day 1. Notice I have enjoyed writing this blog. STOP the thought about “I should be down helping weed the garden.” I can do both if I want. Or not.

 And I can do either without a litany of self-critical thoughts.