Researchers estimate that it’s necessary for the ratio of positive-to-negative comments be at least five to one for a relationship to be healthy and survive long-term.

So, not only am I noticing what I am saying to myself, I am noticing how often I have negative (or non-self-caring) self talk. The stats are not pretty. Who’d have thought my ratio would be so tough on me?

"I shouldn’t feel sad, scared, angry, disappointed, depressed, shocked, tired, stressed, upset, happy, bored, lonely . . .etc."

"It’s not okay for me to need affection, understanding, friendship, trust, comfort, safety, rest, family, community, intimacy, love, . . . etc."

"I should be more independent, less reactive, more patient, more aware, more focused, more energetic, more healthy, . . . etc."

"What’s wrong with me? I should be over this by now. This should not be an issue. I should know better."

"I have got to stay in control of my emotions. If I let myself feel what’s coming up I won’t be able to handle it. "

"Emotions are dangerous and unpredictable and will take over if I don’t keep them in check."

"I don’t deserve to take up space with my own needs and feelings. I deserve to be punished."

"I am being selfish."

These all send one basic message: DON’T EXIST JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Suppress who you are. Suppress your feelings and needs. Disconnect from your own experience and living energy and conform to cultural-social expectations/norms or keep up your self-image (the narrative or story you have about yourself) or keep up appearances to the world (your public persona) or all three.

Three types of self-talk seem especially corrosive:

1) Victim Self-Talk – Here we tell ourselves that others have created our problems and are responsible for our setbacks and losses. Even when people legitimately have been victimized, it is not helpful to wallow in victimization. Such talk robs us of a sense of control over our destinies. How do we feel energized and optimistic about life if we’re telling ourselves that positive outcomes are out of our control? How does this influence our choices, our decision-making and our sense of self?

2) Hopeless Self-Talk – Sometimes those losses and setbacks become so frequent or seem so overwhelming that we doubt whether we’ll ever find success and happiness. Hopeless self-talk is an important component of depression. Many times, it is accompanied by self-blaming talk, where we direct our anger and frustration at ourselves over disappointing outcomes. The result is a gradual leaking of optimism and energy, where the dominant mood can be expressed by, "What’s the use?" Where do we go with our thinking and actions when we start with the premise of “there’s no point anyway?”

3) Perfectionistic Self-Talk- When we acknowledge our successes, we reinforce self-efficacy and confidence. Our victories are psychological confirmations that we can, indeed, achieve our desired ends. Perfectionism robs us of victories by setting standards of success so high that they cannot be met. It’s not enough to have completed the tasks we set for the week; we should have  done them better, faster or with a new, fresh angle. In a dangerous way, perfectionism snatches defeat from the jaws of victory. Do perfectionists experience satisfaction, lightness, joy? Or are drained of life giving energy and a broader sense of perspective on their overall life?

Or maybe you can see a couple of kinds of self talk here that fit for you or can name a few others? Or maybe you notice a pattern of one kind of self-talk leading to another?

Here are some more that I can think of:

• comparing myself with others and coming up short
• blaming myself for things that happen around me
• shaming myself when I don’t get things right
• making promises that are unrealistic to keep (I’ll never lose my temper again)

What to do about this?

Well, just noticing is a great start, for me. I am learning to say STOP! AND I am learning to have fun doing so. I have decided to give my non-caring self talk the image of a gremlin. It’s not a scary gremlin. More like a cartoon.

So now when I start to hear self-talk that doesn’t serve me, doesn’t fit in with my intention for self-care I imagine this voice coming from a little, round green gremlin.

Now…this is what I ask myself when these gremlins appear…

Where’s the love?

Negative self talk robs us of the opportunity to simply acknowledge and celebrate where and when, in our lives, we are living in congruence with our values.