What stops us from resolving conflict?

“I don’t know why I couldn’t work it out with him” a friend said to me recently. “I just couldn’t find it in me to get the conversation started, it all feels so familiar and I can’t see what difference it would make. We’ve been over this so many times before and nothing really changes.”

Does this, or something like it, sound familiar to you? Or do you have your own stop sign when it comes to conflict. A thought or experience that seems to hold you back from moving forward and resolving the issue?

Some common stop signs are:

Unresolved issues from the past 

It is like we know this fight well. We can almost predict the lines and the outcome and we don’t want to go there again.

How can we change this? Just noticing our resistance or defensiveness is the first step. Say hello to it as it is. Then sense for what it is…

• Is it a lack of confidence in our ability to resolve the issue. We haven’t been able to do so before so why would we think we can this time?
• Is it that you are still holding some hurt or resentment from the past? Maybe you compromised on something important last time and you don’t want that to happen again? Or you didn’t feel heard and understood and all those feelings are still inside you relating to the last event?

What can we do with unresolved issues?

• We can explore our limiting beliefs – I’ll never be fully heard, accepted, loved if I dog for me needs. Is there a belief you are holding that shuts you off from other possibilities or the hope for change.
• We can let go of the past. We cannot change it now – all we can do is mourn what happened, acknowledge the needs that were not met and check in if the same needs still need to be met now. Is there something you value missing here in the current situation? Be present with this – here & now.

Be right or be heard?

Maybe you (or the other person) keeps repeating themselves. Or you are certain they are not really listening. Or you find no value in their suggestions. Or you only feel heard when they agree with what you are saying. Could it be that you (or they) want to be right at any cost?

You can help shift wanting to be right by:

• slowing the discussion down and making sure that each person reflects back what they are hearing before expressing their own views.
• finding out why the other person might not want to listen. They may need empathy first or they may need to feel safe or they may not realise that they do not need to agree with you when they reflect back.
• go back to checking what you both want from the discussion. What qualities do you want back in your lives when this is resolved.

“Nothing will work” … being cynical or resigned

It could be that hopelessness or despair has set in and you (or they) believe that there is no way you can come to an agreement. You notice resistance or defensiveness coming in or an unwillingness to try. Or maybe one of you keeps floating the worst possible scenario or keeps saying “yeah – but”.

When this happens the best thing you can do is remember:

“A cynical person is only a very passionate person who doesn’t want to be disappointed again.”

If this is the case you can:

• try and connect with their concern about being disappointed again.
• try and identify the core values they want to have addressed in this discussion and make sure they are on the table
• ask ‘what is preventing you from wanting to have this discussion with me?” and “is there a time when you might?” It may be that now is not the time.
• focus on what you are grateful for in the relationship and discuss starting with a smaller issue so that they can get a feel for the process and you both can experience a small success.