Inner Conflict Patterns:

Have you ever wished you could deal with conflict differently? Do you notice a pattern in your life around conflict. As soon as we are in a conflict or see a conflict coming up we tend to revert to a tried and true pattern – even if it has never really given us the connection or outcomes we seek. It’s like we have a knee-jerk reaction. It is our conflict habit. This may acquired from early childhood and family patterning or it might have developed in our current relationship or situation but now feels stuck and unproductive.

Reflect back on your last conflict. It may have been over sharing household tasks, agreements not being met, or it may have been over an event that was painful for you to experience.

How did you feel as you noticed the conflict coming up? Did you feel anxious or scared? Did you feel blank or numb inside, tongue-tied or helpless? Did you feel agitated, tense, unable to breathe or annoyed at this intrusion?

Let’s look at some conflict habits but before we do I would like to invite you to consider what needs you are meeting in reacting the way you do in your current habit. It might be that you are needing ease, or harmony, or safety, or to be sure you needs will be considered, or for autonomy.

Please do not skip this step otherwise you will be missing an opportunity to connect to what’s important for you ~ because that won’t change. What can change is how you go about getting that need met in the future.

Done?

O.K. lets look at some conflict strategies or habits that we can all recognise.

Withdrawal or submit

This can be avoiding conflict, just giving away your needs or even telling yourself you don’t having any needs in this situation. You may choose to leave the scene of conflict or find ways to distract yourself – drinking, going out, watching T.V., working late, taking drugs and so on. You might stop talking, storm off in a huff, retire hurt, become resentful or depressed, give someone the cold shoulder or just leave the relationship.

Suppression

You may refuse to even acknowledge the conflict, pretending it doesn’t exist. You may act as though it doesn’t matter, plough on regardless ignoring how you are feeling inside or how the other person is feeling, put up with the situation or use charm to get your way.

Fight

This habit, strange as it may sound, often comes from an unconscious desire to protect yourself from pain even though it looks like you don’t mind a good fight. You may use insisting, blaming, criticising, shouting, threats, lay down the law, or bring in allies.

You might find it interesting, now, to try and guess what needs others are meeting using their conflict strategies.

By doing this you are taking the first step to creating genuine cooperation in your relationships.

You are discerning the difference

between an intention and a strategy.

Knowing this difference is essential.

Strategies involve specific people, times, places and actions. One strategy = one opportunity.

Intentions are only what you value and express the qualities you want to experience in a situation. So when you connect with the underlying needs behind your habitual conflict strategy then you connect to your real intentions. When you connect to your intentions you open the door to many opportunities to meet your needs and create outcomes that also meet the needs of others.

Now you need to find out more about the intentions of the others in  the dispute. The process of creating alignment asks you to get curious. You need to untangle the conflict and in the next post I will invite you to try using 3 simple questions that help you get some clarity about your needs and theirs.