Interrupt with Grace 2 – you’re full up

In May I posted Interrupt with Grace written by Ian Peatey at Quantum Learning.

Here are 2 more reasons why we may interrupt; we may be full up or we may no longer feel like offering empathy

We have heard enough

By this I mean we may have heard a long piece from the person we are listening to and

1. we simply cannot take any more in or keep track any longer
2. they have started to repeat themselves
3. they are starting on a new topic

Here are some ways we can interrupt with grace:

When we can’t take anymore in:

“Wow Mary, I’m really appreciating what you’ve shared with me and can hear there are some important things in there for you and I it sounds like the most important is…”

“So, I think I’ve got the essence of it and I’d like to let you know what I am hearing.”

or

“Hey, Mary, I’ve got to stop you for a moment. I’m really wanting to hear each of those things that are important to you fully and I’m noticing I can’t hold it all. Can I just let you know what I’ve heard so far?”

When they are starting to repeat themselves:

“Hey Mary, I wonder if I can let you know what I’ve already heard…(and keep going now – the question is rhetorical – reflecting back some key feelings and needs, but mainly the needs you’ve heard). You’re needing…. or it sounds like (needs) are really up for you here etc.”

When they are starting on a new topic:

“Whoa, Mary – before we go on to something new I’d really enjoy completing what we were just talking about. I want to make sure I have heard what you wanted me to hear and/or there are some things I would like to share with you around all of that’.”

No room for offering more Empathy

Empathy Hostage by La Shelle Lowe-Charde

One of the blocks to a willingness to give empathy is the fear and/or experience of being held hostage by the idea that you should keep giving it long after your desire and energy to do so has faded.  Somewhere in the middle your natural desire to listen with compassion gives way to other needs (food, rest, play, mutuality, it could be anything).

For example, let’s say you are listening to someone with empathy for some amount of time and you notice you are hungry and starting to fade.  Here you are at a cross roads.  If you have not taken on the job of being responsible for this person’s feelings and needs and you can articulate your caring for the other while taking care of yourself, you might say something like this:

“I am noticing that I feel caring for you and also noticing that I am hungry and starting to fade. I need to get some food.  I am wondering if this has been helpful and if there is anything I can do before I go get something to eat?”

On other hand, if you take on the job of getting this person out of suffering or hold the belief that you will only be loved if you give unconditionally, you will likely ignore your own needs.  You may say things to yourself like:

“This person really needs me.”
“It would be selfish to stop listening right now.”
“They really will be hurt if I say I can’t listen anymore.”
“It’s my job as a caring person (friend, partner, daughter, etc.)  to listen.”
“A compassionate person would keep listening.”

These are the words of the part of you that puts you in empathy hostage.  A place where you start to feel resentful or guilty instead of compassionate.  In the end these painful experiences have you avoiding times when you could give empathy freely.

This week notice when you are listening more than you really want to.  Experiment with interrupting to help the other person connect with both your caring for them and your desire to tend to other needs to take care of yourself.

This last piece comes directly from La Shelle Lowe-Charde who writes a wonderful newsletter full of NVC tips and reflections that I really value and look forward to receiving. If you would enjoy reading more of her previous gems they are posted on her website:  http://wiseheartpdx.org/blog/