This post arriving in my inbox is soooo timely for me.
Just last week I tried to express to my husband my sadness and despair around the quality of our conversations. We had gone out for lunch and the people we were meeting were an hour late so we sat down to have a cup of tea while we waited. I noticed, for this hour, his attention was predominantly drawn to the screen showing music videos in the cafe. I started to feel resentful. My need for connection and fun were not being met by his attention being elsewhere. At first I self-empathised.
BUT then I noticed my thinking kicked in. Just staying with self-empathy was not enough to change the situation I was not enjoying. I told myself I still needed “him to want to want to communicate with me”.
“This happens a lot. I can’t remember a conversation for ages where he has been joyfully engaged.”
“Why do I have to put all the effort in to starting/keeping a conversation going?”
“The least he could do when we are together is “be here” and talk with me.”
Then came thoughts about
Well, I’ll sit here and wait and see how long he can “not talk to me”
As you can imagine the hour passed with me feeling increasingly resentful, despairing and with a growing sense of disconnection.
What I had not done was envision how I wanted this situation to be and taken control of it myself.
I hadn’t taken self-care to the next level which is actively taking responsibility for getting what I want. I could choose to change my experience in the moment. That is not to say I still couldn’t do with some empathy around all of the thoughts above – and I can take the next step in self-care and make a request for that with some of my empathy buddies (or journal it).
AND I can take care of the moment where I want a nice time with my husband by making it a nice time. Noticing where he is at (tired, distracted, uncertain?) and connecting there first. I could have changed the environment – invited him to come for a walk while we wait (reframe, create energy). Once I connected to my need to take care of myself, in addition to my need for connection and ease, a number of strategies (more useful than the one I chose) may have arisen.
Please enjoy LaShelle’s posting. I have!
Connection Gem of the Week
When You Want More Conversation
You have just shared about a difficult situation you experienced during the day. Your partner looks at you, not saying anything. “Well, what do you think?” you ask. Your partner answers, “I don’t know. What do you want me to say?”
You have a particularly mindful moment and are able to watch your jackal show instead of speak it. It might sound something like this:
“Can’t you just talk to me! All I want is a little conversation. Is that so hard?!”
The truth is that it is hard for many. Even more difficult is responding in the specific way that meets your need for connection and being heard in a given moment.
Part of creating supportive relationships in your life is taking responsibility for creating the listening you want. This means being conscious of your intention for sharing something with someone else. I often let my listener know what I am wanting before I share something. Below are some typical things I am looking for when I share and relevant questions I might ask my listener.
Empathy / Understanding
- I want to share something that happened today and I am just looking for empathy. Are you up for listening?
- Can you tell me what you’re understanding from what I said?
- What are you hearing me say?
- For my own clarity, could you say back what you are getting?
- I am having trouble identifying my feelings and needs. Could you make some guesses?
Celebration
- I have a celebration. Want to hear it?
- Guess what?!
Relatedness / Connection
- Have you experienced something like this before?
- Is this a common experience?
- What feelings and needs come up for you hearing that?
Perspective
- How does this fit in the context of other things in my life?
- What else might be influencing me or the situation?
- Do you have any sense of where this other person was coming from?
Reality check
- Does my thinking make sense?
- Am I missing something?
- Information / Advice
- Are there facts I need to know?
- What would be most skilful?
- What would you do in my shoes?
Any given conversation may contain allow of these or a dance among several. Remaining conscious of this dance helps create more fulfilling conversations.
Knowing your intention in sharing something and asking clearly for what you want back, not only increases the chances for your needs being met, it also helps the listener meet their need for contribution in a clear way.
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