From presuming the worst to assuming the best

Learning to assume positive intent has asked me to explore a pattern of assumptions that date right back into my childhood.

The assumed position I was raised with is that people generally act in their own self-interest and that is “bad” if it causes uncomfortable feelings in another person.

This family belief also leads to a “you” focus. You are the cause of my distress, annoyance, upset. You need to change what you are doing. Not only does it lead to disconnection with the other person (now seen as a problem) it leads to disempowerment and disconnection with myself.

So long as I believe another person is able to “control” how I feel with their words or actions then I feel vulnerable and unsafe. From this place I may choose flight, freeze or fight as my habitual response. How this looks in my life is withdrawal and denial, blocking and passive-aggressive or attacking, blaming and judging.

So, what if the belief I was raised with is partially right? People do act in their self interest. And what if I only need to shift the second half of my belief? If they are acting in their self-interest – that means they are meeting needs that matter to them –now I can get curious from an empowered and empathic place.

Ahhh….