Empathy: An Unappreciated Way of Being

Excerpts taken and adapted from: Empathy: An Unappreciated Way of Being

by Carl R. Rogers. Ph.D

Being empathic means to sense the hurt or the pleasure of another as they sense it and to perceive the causes as they perceive them, but without ever losing the recognition that it is as if I were hurt or pleased and so forth. If this ‘as if’ quality is lost, then the state is one of identification.” (Rogers, 1959 pp. 210-211)

Being in empathy…

· means entering the private perceptual world of the other and becoming thoroughly at home in it.

· involves being sensitive, moment to moment, to the changing felt meanings which flow in this other person, to the fear or rage or tenderness or confusion or whatever, that he/she is experiencing.

· means temporarily living in his/her life, moving about in it delicately without making judgments, sensing meanings of which he/she is scarcely aware, but not trying to uncover feelings of which the person is totally unaware, since this would be too threatening.

· includes communicating your sensings of his/her world as you look with fresh and unfrightened eyes at elements of which the individual is fearful.

· means frequently checking with him/her as to the accuracy of your sensings, and being guided by the responses you receive.

· means that for the time being you lay aside the views and values you hold for yourself in order to enter another’s world without prejudice.

A man has been making vaguely negative statements about his father. His friend says, “It sounds as though you might be angry at your father”. He replies “No, I don’t think so.” “Possibly dissatisfied with him?” “Well, yes, perhaps,” (said rather doubtfully). “Maybe you’re disappointed in him”. Quickly the man responds, “That’s it! I am disappointed that he’s not a strong person. I think I’ve always been disappointed in him ever since I was a boy”.

Against what is the man checking these terms for their correctness? He is checking them against the ongoing “felt meaning or felt sense of the whole of this situation” within himself to see if they fit. In this case “angry” doesn’t match the felt meaning at all; “dissatisfied” comes closer but is not really correct: “disappointed” matches it exactly, and encourages a further flow of the experiencing.

Where can empathy take us?

(1) The non evaluative and accepting quality of the empathic climate enables us, as we have seen, to take a prizing, caring attitude toward ourselves and others.

(2) Being listened to by an understanding person makes it possible for us to listen more accurately to ourselves , with greater empathy toward our own bodily-felt experiencing, our own vaguely felt meanings which contain the “whole-ness” of any situation.

(3) Greater understanding of, and prizing of, ourselves opens us up to new facets of experience which become a part of a more accurately based self, we are now more congruent with our experiencing.

In the ordinary interactions of life – it is probable that congruence is the most important element. Such genuineness involves letting the other person know “where you are” emotionally. It may involve confrontation, and the personally owned and straightforward expression of both negative and positive feelings; it means being able to express honestly and listen empathically with curiosity and openness. Congruence is a basis for living together in a climate of realness.