Top 10 ways to kill Communication that Counts

Coffee Argument by alasdair

Ok. Here are the top 10 ways to kill off good communication. No, make that kill off any communication that counts.

These are easy to do and guaranteed to succeed.

You can mix and match them and I can 100% guarantee, to you, that you will never get to use them all in one conversation before it is ended by the other person.

1. Ordering & Commanding Consequence
   1. You must…
   2. You have to…
   3. You will…
   4. You’ll have to stop doing that…
2. Warning & Threatening
   1. If you don’t, then…
   2. You’d better, or…
3. Moralising & Preaching
   1. You should…
   2. You ought to…
   3. It is your responsibility
4. Advising & Giving Solutions
   1. What I would do is…
   2. Why don’t you…
   3. Let me suggest…
   4. If I were you…
5. Judging, Criticising & Blaming
   1. You’re not thinking maturely…
   2. You are so lazy, incompetent, slow…
   3. It’s your fault…
6. Praising & Agreeing
   1. Well, I think you are doing a great job!
   2. You’re right, they sound awful!
7. Name Calling & Ridiculing
   1. Cry baby…
   2. Wuss…
   3. Cat got your tongue?
8. Diverting, Sarcasm & Withdrawal
   1. Let’s not talk about that…
   2. Well, why don’t you try running the world?
   3. Remaining silent, turning away
   4. No eye contact
   5. Why do you have to talk about that; you know it upsets me.
9. Interrupting
1. Impatience and talking over the top of the speaker
2. Stuck on own ideas or being right: “No, that’s not right, you…”

10.   Resistance, cynicism and resignation

1. Yeah…but…
2. It can’t be any different than it is…

Just notice how often one or more of these are used on television shows (especially reality T.V.), at work in meetings, on talk back radio and generally in your life. Even as you read this post, reflect upon a time you experienced being on the receiving end of these communication killers. How did you feel and what did you do?

And which are your favourites in times of stress or fear. Which communication killers do you resort to and how do you feel when you use them? Consciousness is the first step to change so give this exercise your attention. I only ask that you don’t beat yourself up with what you find, nor judge or criticise others. We have been raised to relate this way. It is part of our culture – it is the pond in which we have swum so how could we be any other way than we are right now?

Now, while I am posting this list I won’t leave you hanging for too long. Over the next few days I will post some alternatives to communication killers – and most importantly I will post some ways to handle it when these killer comments are coming in your direction from someone else. I will show you how to turn the conversation around to make it more effective, meaningful and cooperative.

In the meantime, just see if you can notice what we do actually do in reality, AND, see if you can imagine how different each situation might be if communication had been cooperative, caring, clear and more conscious.