Communication Killers 2: The horrible consequences for you both

1. Ordering & Commanding Consequence
   1. You must…
   2. You have to…
   3. You will…
   4. You’ll have to stop doing that…
2. Warning & Threatening
   1. If you don’t, then…
   2. You’d better, or…
3. Moralising & Preaching
   1. You should…
   2. You ought to…
   3. It is your responsibility
4. Advising & Giving Solutions
   1. What I would do is…
   2. Why don’t you…
   3. Let me suggest…
   4. If I were you…
5. Judging, Criticising & Blaming
   1. You’re not thinking maturely…
   2. You are so lazy, incompetent, slow…
   3. It’s your fault…
6. Praising & Agreeing
   1. Well, I think you are doing a great job!
   2. You’re right, they sound awful!
7. Name Calling & Ridiculing
   1. Cry baby…
   2. Wuss…
   3. Cat got your tongue?
8. Diverting, Sarcasm & Withdrawal
   1. Let’s not talk about that…
   2. Well, why don’t you try running the world?
   3. Remaining silent, turning away
   4. No eye contact
   5. Why do you have to talk about that; you know it upsets me.
9. Interrupting
   1. Impatience and talking over the top of the speaker
   2. Stuck on own ideas or being right: “No, that’s not right, you…”

10.   Resistance, cynicism and resignation

1. Yeah…but…
2. It can’t be any different than it is…

  

Fear & resistance

Rebellious behaviour

Fear & submissiveness,

anger,

testing

obligation,

guilt,

stubbornness

implies person cannot solve own problems

dependency or resistance

implies incompetence,

stupidity or poor judgment

people will tell half-truths to protect themselves

implies high expectations

patronising and manipulative

loss of honesty about things really are

can cause person to feel unloved, lower self-esteem,

provoke verbal retaliation

implies difficulties are to be avoided,

person’s problems are petty

can lead to person repeating themselves or raising their voice to get heard

can lead to people taking actions without consultation

stifle honest expression
speaker might give up

implies there is only one way to view the world
escalating counter-arguments

closes off connection to the other person

implies no choices