3 steps to empathy

F. Scott Fitzgerald said:

“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”

To which I’d add that the test of a first-rate capacity for empathy is the ability to hold two opposed positions in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to think for yourself. 

The Buddhists capture this approach when they say,

“Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.” 

Want more truth about your social situation?  Put yourself in other people’s shoes. But to do that, you have to get out of your own.  Our eyes are clouded by the longing to see ourselves in a favourable light. If you can’t afford, or refuse to relinquish your authority, self-conferred exemptions and specialness, it becomes next to impossible to get next to yourself, in other people’s shoes.  When you put yourself in another person’s shoes you risk seeing yourself as others would see you—not quite as special as you think. But the pay-offs are worth it.

Most of us think we’re already great listeners and fabulous empathizers, but thinking it doesn’t make it so.  So what does?  Here are three practices:

Uncloud your Mind:

This state is often called Presence. It is a quality of emptying out in order to fill up or one elegant way to describe it is:

“full heart ~ empty mind”

Active Listening:

You probably have heard of this technique. It’s about as powerful a skill as I’ve ever seen come out of psychology. And it’s very simple.  If you find yourself in a conflict or rift with someone, stop the decision-making for a moment and simply repeat in your own words, the other person’s argument as persuasively as possible. Then ask whether you heard it right. And then wait for an answer.

“Wait Nicole, before we go any further here I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Please tell me if I’ve got this right:  You think I’m being too nosey here, that it’s your decision to make and that though I have concerns, now that I’ve declared them, I should back off.  Is that what you’re saying?”

Here you are capturing their gist, showing you understand their meaning and hearing them how they would like to be heard.

Sense for and guess underlying needs:

Starting where we left off with Nicole we might then, after hearing from her that we have reflected back what she meant us to hear, sense for her needs.

“Wait Nicole, before we go any further here I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying. Please tell me if I’ve got this right:  You think I’m being too nosey here, that it’s your decision to make and that though I have concerns, now that I’ve declared them, I should back off.  I wonder if you are really needing some privacy and autonomy here?”