Listening with Emptiness & Curiosity

Emptiness means taking a conscious decision to suspend our judgments, beliefs. We take a moment to empty our mind so that we can silence the familiar and welcome the new or unfamiliar. It only be a temporary suspension so that we can hold a space to really listen to another or to listen to the small, still voice within us – but emptiness is needed for silence and openness to come in. We can choose emptiness through self-connection before we enter the interpersonal space. We can stay with emptiness by allowing brief, reflective silences to fall after someone has spoken.

Curiosity, from the spaciousness of emptiness, allows us to hear more. We can learn to ask open, honest questions – these are questions which we do not the answer to (in our minds already). They do not guide or influence, imply or suggest.  An open, honest question is one that expands rather than restricts the inquiry. “How do you feel about this experience?” is an open, honest question. “How are you handling the stress of this experience?” is not. It presumes the quality of the experience for the other person and even presumes the nature of their response. Staying with the language of the person you are listening to is one guideline for asking open, honest questions. Pay close attention to the words they speak. Pay attention to their body language but do not interpret it.

Feeling understood settles conflict

Researchers at Stanford University tested a simple idea for how to create successful outcomes during tense negotiations or conflicts. The reason that arguments can quickly turn ugly is that people don’t feel as if they’re being understood. Thus, make sure that each party feels as if they are being carefully listened to.

If people show that they are curious and willing to learn more about someone else’s opposing view, this might be the key to diplomacy. That is, ask a single clarifying question about what another person’s view is about. That’s it.

One question with a few important guidelines:

1. All you are doing is gathering information.
2. Be willing to suspend your biases and passionate beliefs-anticipate being challenged to defuse any defensive reactions on your part.
3. There is no commitment that you are going to alter or change your position based on what you learn.

Think of it as making an assessment of what the other person is thinking instead of judging them. Don’t get me wrong, this is a hard mindset to be in.

But what happens when we are genuinely curious about someone that holds a point-of-view that diverges from our own?

By merely asking for a single bit of information:

• The other person views us as more open-minded and warm ("I appreciate you taking the time to actually hear me out").
• They view us as different from the typical person with a belief system that differs from their own ("You know, it’s refreshing to hear someone who is an atheist listen to what someone with faith actually has to say").
• The other person feels as if we are paying attention and they don’t just feel good, they view us as a good person. That curiosity, that open-mindedness, ends up being contagious. When you show curiosity in what they care about, they show a greater willingness to gather additional information from you. In the end, they are more willing to negotiate and come to a compromise that benefits everyone.

Another study asked participants to view a video of someone holding a view completely counter to their own belief system. Feminists vs. fans of pornography. Vegans vs. carnivores. Half of the participants were asked to prepare comments for the speaker. The other half were asked to prepare a single question showcasing their natural curiosity about the speaker’s point of view ("Can you explain to me why the benefits of banning pornography outweigh the costs?"). What scientists found was that compared with people preparing comments, people armed with a single question viewed the message on the video as more intelligent and reasonable, viewed the speaker as more open-minded, and most promising, were more interested in meeting and getting to know the speaker in the future.

So what’s the take-home message from this research? If you prepare yourself to be more curious before you hear messages, you are more receptive to what is being shared even if it clashes with your own worldviews.

When we train ourselves to be curious ahead of time, when we prepare questions that don’t smell of judgment and criticism, we open the doors to achieving the greatest possible outcomes in emotionally charged situations.

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