How I found out what I need to do to take care of myself & my relationships when triggered

I cannot tell you how resistant I sometimes feel to responding empathically to others when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed and challenged. The irony is that I facilitate courses based on NVC and have this internal expectation that, if I am offering trainings, I “should be” a near-perfect role model. UGH! GRRR!

So, why is it I resist what I know works? Try as I might, my mind simply cannot answer this question. I either go to analysis and/or excuses and/or blame and shame. Either way I stay in the same place.

So, I turned to my tried and true way of getting in touch with my own body’s knowing about what’s going on in there – Focusing. Finding some time to myself I got out my journal and just started to sense inwardly for how my body held “all about resisting being empathic when I am in pain even though I know it works and makes me feel good”.

First comes a weight on my chest and a squeezing feeling – from all sides all around my rib cage. Then an image of string coming out from the centre of my chest and me being pulled forward by the string.  I can sense my heels digging in and me leaning back against the pull of the string. Pulling the string are my expectations, my “shoulds” and the perfect model of NVC. Ohh! There’s also a finger wagging, it is near my shoulder and it is saying, “You know the model in NVC, now do it!.”

I acknowledge the pulling and the finger-wagging critic. Just say hello to them. I sense the critic wants me to feel in integrity. Oh, I get that. It wants me to live what I know works and makes me feel good. And when I do that I do feel an inner sense of integrity. A big sigh comes….and the string drops. My feet balance evenly on the ground now.

My attention is drawn back up to my chest again. The pressure has released and now there is pain inside the chest. A kind of soft sadness there. I say hello to that. It lets me know it wants me to pay attention to it first when I am getting stressed, into an argument or disagreement or something happens that feels hurtful. It needs to be taken care of before I can take care of anything else. As I acknowledge that an image and sensation of an aircushion comes around the whole of my chest area and it has the quality of calmness.  It provides a safe space for my pain. This feels good. Inside I can see how this space has a few parts of me in there – all responding to the situation differently. I need to pay attention to each part when things are unravelling emotionally – not just the strongest feeling – but all the little feelings too.

I ask this place, this felt sense, what is an action step I can take to bring this wisdom and bodily-felt knowing into my outer world and I get an image of taking time – or space – to take care of me. This feels like a self-empowering and self-strengthening move. I need to take as much time as it takes to get centred, if the situation allows that possibility.

Then this sensation moves up into my throat and I hear words like:

“I notice I am feeling triggered/stressed/confused right now and need to take some time out to get a better sense of what is going on for me. When I have worked that out I will come back to this conversation and from that space I feel sure we’ll be better able to hear each other…”

and a briefer version comes

“For us to better hear each other I need to take a little time out to get some clarity and calm. Can I get back to you once I have done that?

also

I’m finding this situation difficult and I’d like to check  what’s going on for me before continuing. Can I get back to you when I am in a better space  to be able to hear what you need me to hear?”