tips for making disagreements useful

There is no point in hoping we can get through life without disagreements. I, naively, thought if I learnt enough about conflict resolution, nonviolent communication, self-awareness and if I meditated enough I could avoid arguments. I am not a shy and retiring girl. Far from it. In the enneagram I am an 8! I wanted to avoid disagreements because of how I react to them; that is I am more scared of my own ways of being in an argument than I am of them per se.

So, now I ask myself, how can I respond to this situation? So here are some tips that are helping me. The first 5 tips are all about me. The 2nd 5 tips are all about me and the world.

1. Take a breath and notice how I am feeling in my body.

Counting to 10 works for some people, but it didn’t for me. By the time I got to 10 I was more wound up. I find saying hello or acknowledging how I feel inside brings insight and relief. Now, I might notice a physical sensation (tight, holding my breath) or a word/emotion (frustrated, impatient, scared) or an image (a brick wall, a ball of steel in my belly) or a sound (a siren, a loud buzz, a muting of sound). So, I simple say, “hello, steel ball in my belly, I sense you there” in a curious, friendly way. I don’t try and change it or get rid of it. I just acknowledge it.

2. I ask myself “what would a camera see here?”.

That is I try and make an objective description. “I notice that the washing is still on the line, it has started raining and my partner is watching T.V.” rather than, “how lazy is that, I hung the washing out and he can’t even be bothered to bring it in. Now it’s going to get wet and I will be the one who has to get it dry again and…and…” in an intensifying vortex of difficult emotions which are coming from what I am saying to myself.

3. I try and notice my thoughts and ask myself if this is absolutely true” and “can I be 100% sure of that”?

This is from the work of Byron Katie. Is it absolutely true that my partner is lazy? No, it is what I am telling myself. Is it absolutely true that I will have to get the washing dry-I can’t be sure of that either.

4. Now I go in search of my needs/values.

See other posts of mine all about needs & values. I check in with what I LOVE. Oh…I LOVE it when we all work together to get the chores done because I really value support, contribution and contribution. So….”when I notice the washing is off the line before the rain starts I feel appreciative because that really supports me in getting the laundry done and I feel supported” . How different is that than hearing any of the following:

“Can’t you see its starting to rain, are you blind?”

“Why can’t you help out just once? I am sick of being responsible for everything!!!”

“I feel frustrated and sad when I notice the washing on the line, the rain starting and that you are watching T.V. because I value support and contribution. Would you be willing to help me get the washing in?” (for me this still has a tone or energy of lack or complaint).

So, this shift in energy is in the form of a positive request based upon the visioning of needs-met.

5. I take some time to relish my needs met vision.

How good does that feel inside? It connects me with what I love, and how I like to feel. It may be that my partner won’t get off the couch and help bring the washing in but by connecting with my own needs and values I am getting some clarity about how I like to live in this world, what I care about (beyond the strategies I employ) and I empower myself. I can build on my request like this:

“When I notice the washing is off the line before the rain starts I feel appreciative because that really supports me in getting the laundry done and I feel supported. To meet my own need for getting the laundry done I’m going to go out and get it. Would you mind giving me a hand?”

Now, comes the second half.

6. I try and hear the needs behind the words or actions. That is what positive intent is behind what this person is doing/saying? Is my husband needing a rest? Is he tired too? Has he genuinely not noticed because he is absorbed in his show? Does he hold a belief about what he ’should do” to support the family and he is only acting out of that belief. Curiosity is very useful here. I become a needs detective!!!! Also try and separate intention from impact.

7. Quality Questions

Oh boy, did I ever get to understand the power of these the other day. My husband and I were about to slide into a very familiar argument and I was about to slide into my habit of trying to analyse his motivations (not a good move for staying connected)! And, miraculously, some little angel in my brain leapt out of my mouth and asked him, “what is it you need me to understand?”.

Well, talk about watching a pattern break. We had a wonderful discussion, reached an agreement and found connection with each other. We have been living off that energy all week

Another tip: try not to use the word ‘why” at the start of your questions. That invites justifications.

8. The power of language:

Try any of the following:

and instead of but

I instead of you

Remove absolutisms eg always, never, every, none, nobody, everybody, all, must, should, have to, impossible

Add : “to me” to your sentence, eg It looks like it is raining to me.

9. Look for our shared values

What can we agree on? Is this disagreement about a value or a strategy? What is this agreement really about? Is it about broad relationship values about trust, respect, consideration and then get specific. How would you know if you can trust someone or what does respect look like, sound like to you. if you don’t know how can you expect your partner to know to?

The last “argument” I had with my husband was about fairness. Turns out what we think is an example of fairness differs for each of us. His idea of fairness is my idea of “accounting”. My idea of fairness leaves him feeling vulnerable as it is such a moveable “in the moment” feast. He thought paying exactly half of the bills was fair. I thought us both paying to the best of our ability. Sometimes more from me, sometimes more from him was fair because over time we are both contributing all of our income jointly to our living.

10. Check for understanding (rather than assuming understanding)

Ask the other person some simple questions:

Do you mean…?

Can you tell me what you heard me say?

Can you tell me what you thought I said so I can be sure I have been clear.

I would like you to tell me how you feel and what you need.

How do you feel when I tell you this?

Can I just say back what I thought I heard you say?

What’s the most important aspect of this for you?

So…what’s so useful?

Well, by the time I have done all of this I am communicating with the person I am in disagreement with rather than talking to or screaming at.
I better understand my own needs and how I can meet them…I have usefully found how to empower myself.
I better understand the other person’s needs and values and this may lead to less arguments because I will get why they do what they do.
I can see where our values overlap even if our strategies differ. This becomes a point of agreement rather than disagreement.
I have described what has happened objectively and this is also something we can agree on. It is not personal.
I am learning what kind of language supports communication that connects and what kind of language disconnects.
I am asking awesome questions and the quality of my partner’s responses are going up exponentially.
I am releasing my, somewhat paranoid, tendency to assume the worst intent (a glass half full approach).
I love hanging out in my “needs met” space…it feels physically and emotionally wonderful. My stress and resentment levels are plummeting. WHEW!
My husband and I are falling in love with each other again because we are hearing what is in front of us and not what we think is in front of us (just another story). That’s the best part of all !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!