Weaving focusing and NVC:

here is something else I am leaning into…the spaces holding NVC & focusing….i think because I am trying to get my head around the natural weaving of focusing attention within something like the NVC model…as Marshall trained with Carl Rogers and also worked (I think) with, around or near Gene I guess he “focuses” somewhere between the feeling and need.

So when I try and practice NVC and feel stuck or more often “dilemma-ed” it may be that focusing can help me hear more than one need at a time.

Below in Robert Lee’s description I sense something similar to:

Step 1: enjoying the “jackal show”

Steps 2, 3 &4: getting in touch with feelings (and calling faux feelings as the arise…these are words that interpret what we think we are “I feel inadequate” or what we think someone is doing “I feel abandoned”)

At this point, in NVC, we try to get in touch with the need/value/that which we vision or wish for that is not being met (in the case of negative feelings). And this week I had lunch with 2 friends who introduced me to NVC and we had a long chat about how different the process is if we bring out attention to bear on “visioning” rather than “needing”…alluding to the practice of imagining abundance rather than scarcity, imagining how that vision feels in the body if we allow it rather than on what is missing. That is not to say that we aren’t feeling x,y,z out of something we are yearning for: let me see if I can word this: In NVC I might say:

“When I remember not being called or thanked for lending you my gear I feel chagrined (mixture of mild anger and disappointment) because I really value appreciation and consideration”… (and suddenly a deep breath comes as I write this) …now I ask inwards if my need for appreciation and consideration were met how would I feel? I would feel warm and loving, (and I take time now to allow this small feeling to spread through my body and soak into my cells)…have I now met my needs myself? Have empowered myself? Yes…there is, in there, a part of me opening champagne and celebrating my own capacity for self-care and the recognition that as usual it is all about how I am inside and very little to do with what is happening out there.

Checking again I can thank the chagrin for alerting me to my valuing and yearning for warmth and love and how I had, myself, through “thinking” cut myself off from that which is already inside me. The “heat” has also gone out of judgements about “what they did”! I notice, too, that I would like to take time now to allow this emotional-physical sensation to relax and take up my body shape.

Step 5: Expressing honestly and receiving empathically

I like the idea of timing…it is very hard to stay “present” especially if the listening is something personal/triggering. It gives each person a chance to give and receive the gift of presence and I am guessing build trust in the process and each other gradually.

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From: robert lee [mailto:robertlottlee@hotmail.com] Sent: Thursday, 9 November 2006 6:23 AMTo: Focusing DiscussionSubject: [focusing-discuss] conflict resolution and 12 avenues into felt sensing

I wanted to contribute something about focusing in conflict resolution, and also relate it to a workshop I am teaching in Manhattan on this Sunday called “12 Avenues into Felt Sensing”.
I had been an avid participant in a weekly changes group for 2 or 3 years in Cambridge, MA in the late 80’s. I was distressed that there was one person in the group with whom I really did not want to do focusing partnership. When I presented my dilemma to Zack Boukydis, the resident Changes expert, he advised me that it is a goal of a Changes group that you be ok with partnership with everyone in the group. He went on to suggest that I try “interpersonal processing” (a focusing method for conflict resolution) with the person. He explained the method. I tried it the next week, and was blown away by how successful it was in lowering my negative charge with this person.
I became fascinated with the interpersonal process and often used it during my time in partnership in the changes group (it requires a triad). In fact, I began looking for small conflicts with people in the group so I could use the process more and learn more about it. Eventually I created my own version of interpersonal or 3rd person processing. Eventually, I created a focusing oriented method of couples’ therapy which was influenced quite a bit by this work in the Changes Group.
I want to share 4 small things for the focuser/initiator of an interpersonal processing session. They are also relevant to the respondent.
1. Let the other people in the triad know that you are going to try and find one succinct blame and that you might even exaggerate. Limit your total blame time to 30-60 seconds. Do some silent felt sensing to prepare your blame statement. After you make the blame statement, avoid elaborating on the blame. Avoid repeating the blame statement.
2. Immediately go to disciplined felt sensing after the blame statement. Avoid further statements of blame which are camouflaged as feeling statements. For example, “I feel that you always are late”. For some people, it is extremely hard to avoid these statements and they need a very active facilitator for achieving that.3. Words ending in “ed” like pushed, pressured, insulted, shocked, provoked, are good handle words for felt sensing when you are in a conflict. They get you to hold on to something inside you and move from having your total attention out there on the object of blame. E.G. “Inside I feel pushed”, or “Inside, I feel ignored”, or “Inside I feel outraged”. These “ed” words are a transition from leaving yourself out of the equation (a classic tendency in blaming) to including yourself. However, they still suggest some blame. “I feel pushed” suggests that someone is pushing me.
4. After getting an “ed” handle, it is important to continue felt sensing until you are all with yourself. In this regard, all kinds of felt sensing do not seem equal. Describing the texture of the felt sense (of the “pushed” for example) is quite effective for bringing you more into yourself and disengaging from the charge. As the facilitator I have often experienced the charge decreasing right at the moment that the focuser is able to describe the texture of their felt sense. Of course they may need to use metaphor or gestures or internal dialogue or imaging or other routes into felt sensing in order to be able to get at the texture.
5. If a focuser is skilled enough to do all this in a 5-8 minute segment, it is very helpful because then, the 3rd person listener can give the other person a chance to respond before they’ve gotten exhausted waiting. That person needs to follow similar guidelines in their response for the process to work well. If each person in the conflict can do this in 5-8 minute segments, there is time for each person to have 2 segments in a 30 minute exchange. It’s extraordinary what can happen in such a short time.
I later became very interested in how different routes into felt sensing often did different things. For example, one route into felt sensing–bodily location– does not do much for entering further into a felt sense but it is extraordinary at supporting later ongoing resonating/entering. By establishing a place, focusers are much more likely to really resonate with that place in their further attempts to enter it through words, metaphor, gesture, sound, posture, imaging, internal dialogue, etc.
I eventually developed a workshop on 12 Avenues into Felt Sensing, to help people discover the routes that they were not utilizing, to help them learn some of the secrets of the different ways into felt sensing. “Texture” is one of those routes into felt sensing. One secret of “texture” is its power in conflict resolution.
This Sunday, in Manhattan, there is a w
orkshop on “12 Avenues into Felt Sensing”. It is the first workshop of a ten month course in “Launching Focusing as a Practice”. www.focusingnow.com/tenmonthnov.htm but it’s often possible to do the first workshop without committing to the whole course. If interested, contact me at: robert@focusingnow.com or 707-237-5283 (a US#) or skype: robertlottlee
Robert Lee