choice-full-conscious living

The basic premise underlying Transformative Communication is that people are trying to connect when they communicate.

Unfortunately sometimes the “way we connect” such as our words, behaviour or strategies do just the opposite…they lead to a communication breakdown.

Furthermore, our culture has developed a language structure that contributes to this breakdown; either in our inner talk or the way we talk with and to others.

Marshall Rosenberg identifies four “D’s” leading to disconnection:

1. Diagnosis: judgements, analysis, criticism & comparison
2. Denial of responsibility
3. Demand
4. Deserve-oriented language

Examples:

1. Diagnosis
   1. Judgement = She is lazy. Those people are greedy.
   2. Analysis = They are just attention- seeking. She is so needy.
   3. Criticism = That’s the wrong way. When will you grow up?
   4. Comparison = Your sister always tries harder at school. She is prettier than me.

1. Denial of responsibility:
   1. You made me angry/sad/punish you.
   2. I have to…..x, y, z
   3. They made me….
   4. I have to follow the rules.

1. Demand:
   1. Direct: You have to do the dishes/clean up your room/go to bed.
   2. Indirect: Can you swap shifts with me? Remember I swapped with you for your sister’s wedding.

1. Deserve-oriented language:
   1. He broke the law so he deserves to be punished.
   2. What goes around comes around.
   3. They are poor because they don’t work hard enough and save their money.

These forms of communication have developed over thousands of years and many are embedded in the way our language, English, is structured. For example the verb “to be” enables us to label ourselves or others and makes something that is “just in this moment” sound like a statement of fact or permanent:

‘I am depressed’, implies that

• I always feel sad, will always feel sad, and I can do nothing about it.

‘Is’ and ‘are’, like all present tense verbs, imply no time, no space and absolute truth. ‘I am depressed’ abbreviates what has happened in the past. So perhaps it means:

I felt sad on many occasions in the past, and I feel sad now.

• With a partner identify which communication breakers you have experienced receiving and briefly state how you felt and still feel, e.g. I feel defiant when I hear moralising; I feel hurt when I hear name calling
• With your partner identify which a communication breaker you use most often with other people and briefly note the situations in which you use them, e.g. judging when frustrated, praising when wanting to get something done, withdrawal when feeling overwhelmed.
• What need were you trying to meet when using a communication breaker? For example. Using praise to get someone to do what I want – I have a need for ease.

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