choice-full-conscious living

This is a post for me. I know I speak directly – often wishing I could be more “tactful” but not knowing how. I don’t want to water down my message and I don’t want the conversation to stop before it has even started. How do I share information that is going to be hard to hear? Where is the sweet spot between tactlessness and silence?

How do I tell a colleague at work that I am receiving feedback from other committee members that they speak over other people and “hog” the floor.

How do I tell a colleague they have bad breath?

How do I tell a staff member that their co-teachers say they are not pulling their weight on the program?

How do I tell a relative they are not being invited to a wedding?

Here’s how…

1. STATE your path.

Share your facts. Facts are the least controversial and they can be a point of agreement to start your conversations. Opinions tend to start conversations as a point of disagreement.

Tell your story. First check your facts again. Then check if you are going to tell a victim or villain or helpless story. Revisit your story. What is important for you? What values or needs are up here? For example, are you needing connection, autonomy, support, clarity, safety? As you share your story notice how the other person is responding. If they are withdrawing (looking away, looking down) or becoming defensive (folding arms, tapping, trying to interrupt) you may need to re-establish safety by contrasting.

Ask for others’ paths. How is this landing for them? Be curious about their story.

Talk tentatively. Try phrases like; I was wondering, perhaps, would you be willing, I’m starting to think, I’m starting to feel, I don’t think you are intending this but…,

Encourage testing. Invite other views – is there another way to see this that I haven’t suggested, how else could we think about this, what might be another reason?

2. DO NOT DRIVE UNTIL YOU ARE UNDER 0.05

Think of being triggered, angry, judgemental, suspicious as being over the limit. You are  now emotionally impaired – but only temporarily. Just as you wouldn’t take the risk of driving when you are over the legal alcohol limit and you would wait until you are sober – you can choose to wait until you are emotionally sober and your adrenaline is below 0.05 before you start your conversation.

3. FOCUS ON YOUR DESTINATION

Decide what you really want – not about the issue – but with the relationship. How do you want the relationship to be and then ask yourself ;

“How will I behave to get the relationship results I want?”

4. STAY FOCUSED ON  THE ROAD

Do not take side roads – such as other issues, other people, excuses etc. Keep your eye on the road and look out for road works which flag safety or respect are at risk. Slow down, manage safety and respect before continuing.

You can see Crucial Conversations on You Tube

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